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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH busying himself when he could be spending time with DS

31 replies

StrugglingFirstTimeMum · 10/06/2017 19:09

We have a 5.5mth old gorgeous but quite demanding baby. I'm on mat leave and I admit I've never really got my head around what's fair in terms of household/childcare split, but I don't think my DH spends as much time with our DS as he could. DH disagrees. My reasoning isn't so much to give me a small break (though of course that's appreciated), but so that they spend time together and bond. DS is calmed much easier by me, for example, but I know the only way that will change is by DH doing it more often.

That's the background, so I accept I'm already a bit annoyed before even getting into my current bugbear. Every time DH has some time with DS, without fail he will find something else to do first. So it will be time to give an evening bottle, and he'll just go to the toilet. Or make a drink, or eat something. Or write an email or something, leaving DS waiting. Today, he had given DS most of his bottle (DS was slowing and starting to play with it), then he said "can you hold him for a minute". 5 minutes later I realised he had gone off to water all the house plants! WHY that couldn't have waited I have no idea. I ended up giving DS the rest of the bottle, which defeated the object of both me having a break and them having bonding feeding time. I was clearly annoyed and DH said "don't you dare be in a huff with me for watering the plants"

I guess with the going to the toilet/making a drink I am being unreasonable to be resentful. I think it comes from me responding to a needy DS in the early days immediately, I wouldn't have had time to go to the toilet or make a drink. (Ha! I sound like a right martyr!!)

But it is driving me crazy that he's doing things that could reasonably wait until DS is in bed when he could be spending time with him. After work there is so little time before DS' bedtime, and so much time after it, is it really unreasonable of me to expect DH to prioritise his son before houseplants/emails/other crap? Writing it down it feels petty but it is really really annoying me. DS was much wanted, DH was the one who always wanted children, I was the one who took my time to decide. We then had fertility issues and he was a long time coming. I know DH loves him, I just don't think he practically prioritises him in the same way I do.

Has anyone had this issue? Any ideas how to reasonably get my point across (if I am not being unreasonable, of course)?

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 10/06/2017 19:12

No, if this is frequent then he is BU. Your son comes first. Obviously some things can't wait but watering the plants when your child needs feeding is a clear avoidance tactic.

DeadGood · 10/06/2017 19:18

YANBU.

I think you need to absent yourself when it's "his turn". Go out, or to the bedroom (and tell DH you are going to lie down, i.e. not to be disturbed) or get into the bath.

I know this is difficult because you will worry that your son will be the one who suffers. If DH leaves him alone while he goes off to do whatever nonsense. But it will be worth it for the bonding. Soon you me DH will not be able to bear not responding immediately either.

Good luck

5BlueHydrangea · 10/06/2017 19:27

How confident is he with the baby? Sounds like he may be unsure what to do so is avoiding things..

Offherhead · 10/06/2017 19:30

I think that is pretty off "don't you dare ...". That's fucking awful. Does he often tell you your feelings are wrong like that?

NapQueen · 10/06/2017 19:32

Sounds like he is bored.

He needs to accept that it is boring. And get the fuck on with it.

Original poster

StrugglingFirstTimeMum · 10/06/2017 19:36

DeadGood I think you could be right about leaving him alone with DS. There's a lot of default parenting going on when I'm around. He'll just assume I will pick it all up whereas he somehow has the freedom to wander off without worrying about DS because he knows I will deal with him. He absolutely wouldn't leave him alone if I wasn't there, though, so that could be the solution.

Offherhead I couldn't agree more. He phrases things horribly when we argue, we've spoken about this before. He will always apologise, admits that he says things in anger that he doesn't mean. I do tell him how much I hate it. "Don't you dare..." just sounds awful, doesn't it? It's heat of the moment, not that I'm excusing it.

OP posts:

Somethingbloodyclever · 10/06/2017 19:37

Dp was like this, ds is now 9 months and things have improved. In the beginning I couldn't even have a bath without dp shouting up the stairs saying ds needed me.
We sat down and talked about it, he said he felt unsure of what to do, whether he was doing things correctly and that I knew what I was doing and that ds obviously preferred me. I pointed out that I was a first time parent aswell and was basically making it up as I went along. Pretty much said that I was following the fake it until you make it thought processes. That ds preferred me because I was the one doing the majority of the parenting.
Since that conversation things have improved so much. We work as a team now. Please talk to your dp, hopefully it's something like a lack of confidence and it can be solved easily. You should be allowed some breaks. Fingers gers crossed that the situation improves.

missiondecision · 10/06/2017 19:38

Babies are boring a lot of the time.
He is not being fair though to leave you holding the baby. Literally.
You need a discussion, fact not too much emotion, resentment festers.

Original poster

StrugglingFirstTimeMum · 10/06/2017 19:40

5BlueHydrangea he's not as confident as I am because he's not doing it! Surely the more he does the easier it becomes?

NapQueen actually hate the thought that he might be bored, though you could be right. I want him to want to spend time with DS but I guess just doing it even if he finds it boring is the next best thing!

OP posts:

Original poster

StrugglingFirstTimeMum · 10/06/2017 19:43

Somethingbloodyclever I don't suppose you can remember how you phrased the start of your discussion, can you? (I'm presuming you raised ur not your DP). Sounds like it was really helpful.

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 10/06/2017 19:45

I don't like the 'don't you dare' comment either. Why shouldn't you point out getting bored with a feed so wandering off to do something else is a shitty thing to do? Who does he think he is?

On one level I kind of get it, a demanding baby is Hard and actually pretty boring (thank whichever deity for smartphones!) but it's tough. Things like feeding, cuddling, pulling silly faces and chatting shit are your baby's whole world and the most important thing that needs doing. I get the frustration of sitting fannying round with the baby eyeing up a million little jobs that need doing but it's tough titty for the next few years.

On balance I think I would chuck him a bone and acknowledge that he might be finding it hard and not quite as he expected - if this is the case then it's tough shit. Time to shape up and fake it till he makes it. If he thinks it runs deeper than that he still has to shape up but find a bloody counsellor and leave his issues outside the home. I may be biased, but at this moment in time priorities go baby>you(physically and hormonally you've been though a lot)>him.

I don't think it's unusual for couples who've struggled with fertility to have a tendency towards depression when they finally have a baby. There's been a very stressful road travelled and a long time building a fantasy that just isn't reality once the baby's actually there.

Digestive28 · 10/06/2017 19:49

We had this with both our kids. I think there was an assumption initially it was all on me, I hated the imbalance in our relationship. We spoke and it improved but to be honest, it only really got better when forced - I went back to work and he had the baby/two children for a few days a week. sorry, probably only helpful if you are sharing childcare in future

Cornettoninja · 10/06/2017 19:50

X-posted and repeated loads of people !

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 10/06/2017 19:50

Ask him how he sees their relationship in the coming years. .
My exh did absolutely fuck all and when I asked him how he thought their relationship would turn out he said he would be taking ds for his first pint at 18!! No mention of any real bond til then!!
Needless to say when we divorced ds didn't see him. .
And at 25 ds hasn't seen him since he was about 7.
Except a physical fight outside a court when ds was 19!! .

Somethingbloodyclever · 10/06/2017 19:53

Ye I raised the topic, dp is very good at avoiding issues. To be honest I didn't raise it in the best of ways, I might have shouted a bit and then cried a bit I think he realised then how much it was bothering me.

Suntrapped · 10/06/2017 19:54

Having a baby puts a lot of stress on both of you. Be kind to each other.

I think it's U to be annoyed that he finds DS boring at this age. A 5 month old doesn't do much or respond much to games. Once they start engaging with you, walking, talking etc it gets more interesting.

But wandering off halfway through a feed isn't on. Can you go out for a bit so they have time to bond? Can he take him for a walk in the pram or meet up with other dads at the weekend?

You both need time to yourself.

Lanaorana2 · 10/06/2017 20:09

Leave the room when he's with DS, and become unavailable.

PinkPeppers · 10/06/2017 20:12

Whether he is it boring or not is not here nor there.
Im sure plenty of women find it boring too, it doesnt mean that they will stop feeding their baby mid way to go and water the plants!!

And i also have a major issue about being unsure and working as a team.
If he was ta work, doing a new job, there is NO WAY he wouild to his boss saying 'oh im not sure how to do it, can you come ans show me?'. They would be getting on with it and so should they at home with their own child.
Team work in this circumstances is just another way to say 'not my responsibility. I will act as a child and expect you to be the adult'

Fwiw i read the OP to DH and his comment was' he is escaping and refusing responsibility there'.
Which i think is a very fair analysis of the situation.

PinkPeppers · 10/06/2017 20:17

Btw, ive had that issue too about avoiding responsibility.
It took some time and a few 'discussions' about it (along the lines that he was as responsible and capable as me therefore he had to get on with it!)
I left DH with dc (and then Dc1&2) and made myself unavailable. I think too that men can sense very well if you are not going to step up (aka if you really believe its their responsibility and they WILL do it).

One thing though, whilst i left him geting on with things, things weren't done the same way I did, maybe also not to my standard. But as long as it wasnt an issue with dc (eg nappy getting unconfortable, nappy rash or bottle not sterilised) i never said anything. If I had we would have gone back to me being in parent mode and telling him what to do and him being a child that needed guidance, help and more importantly was NOT responsible for our dc.

Parker231 · 10/06/2017 20:18

How much time does your DH spend with your DS on his own, when you're out of the house? Perhaps you need lunch with friends next weekend so they have some quality time together on their own.

JaneEyre70 · 10/06/2017 20:22

I used to have to run a bath or pop to the shops to get DH to take over. It seemed to take forever tbh but he just never really "enjoyed" the baby bit....it was all too much like hard work but he came into his own when they were toddlers upwards. Funny thing is now we have grandchildren, we've slipped right back into the same routine....I cooked tea for us all tonight as they are staying over, he cleared up while I bathed them and he played with them while I got their beds/milk ready. Without even having to say what we were doing .....old habits .

balalalala · 10/06/2017 20:26

I could pretty much have written somethingbloodyclever's post! I also raised it with my dh, but probably when dd was about 3.5 months old. And the answer was similar about not knowing what to do and her wanting me. We talked, dd is now 9 months and he's fab. I raised it because he was getting upset when he would take her from me and she'd just scream and he couldn't understand why. It gave me the perfect in and he took it well as I had stored examples and was very calm. He now baths her every night and gets up one weekend day and she's really happy having daddy time.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 10/06/2017 20:27

My DP did that thing of always finding something to do so I couldn't complain about ending up holding the baby the whole time. When I was on mat leave I'd look after them all week while he swanned went off to work & then looked after them all weekend while he did (admittedly useful) stuff like cooking for the week. Eventually I explained to him how much I would give to spend a couple of hours uninterruptedly cooking etc if he would only take actual responsibility for them so I could get on with it. I had to really spell it out (I.e point out that doing housework without a toddler clinging to your leg was a PRIVILEGE and I wanted a turn at it) but after that we made sure we took turns being go to parent. Now they have such a lovely relationship because he put the work in.

Agree with pp: try explaining it to him, but if it's not getting through then come up with your own reasons to make yourself scarce whenever he's in charge of DS. He'll step up if he has no alternative and it'll be much better for their relationship long term.

Hassled · 10/06/2017 20:27

I agree that at least for a while you need to just not be physically present - announce that you need a walk/to go for a jog/anything. I had an evening routine of just buggering off to the bath after our evening meal, and then staying there with a good book and often a glass of wine - it was my precious half an hour in a day when I wasn't dealing with stuff. DH had no choice but to cope.

Deux · 10/06/2017 20:35

Next time your DH tries to get you take over his responsibilities then just say that you'll do it later once you've made some tea/had something to eat/water the houseplants. Then when he kicks off you can calmly explain that this is what he does to you.

Clearly petty. If talking to him doesn't work then you're going to have to make yourself out of sight and unavailable.

Do you ever go out and leave him to it?

The behaviour you describe sounds like avoidance behaviour or coming from maybe an anxious place. If you're not there he'll be fine and figure it out for himself and that'll give him confidence.

I had a regular trip out on a Saturday morning when my DC1 was born from when he was about 8 weeks old. I was bfing and I'd leave as soon as I'd finished a feed and just go to our nearest town for a couple of hours. It was great for all of us. Can you do something like that, say on a Saturday morning?

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