DH busying himself when he could be spending time with DS

[StrugglingFirstTimeMum]

We have a 5.5mth old gorgeous but quite demanding baby. I'm on mat leave and I admit I've never really got my head around what's fair in terms of household/childcare split, but I don't think my DH spends as much time with our DS as he could. DH disagrees. My reasoning isn't so much to give me a small break (though of course that's appreciated), but so that they spend time together and bond. DS is calmed much easier by me, for example, but I know the only way that will change is by DH doing it more often.

That's the background, so I accept I'm already a bit annoyed before even getting into my current bugbear. Every time DH has some time with DS, without fail he will find something else to do first. So it will be time to give an evening bottle, and he'll just go to the toilet. Or make a drink, or eat something. Or write an email or something, leaving DS waiting. Today, he had given DS most of his bottle (DS was slowing and starting to play with it), then he said "can you hold him for a minute". 5 minutes later I realised he had gone off to water all the house plants! WHY that couldn't have waited I have no idea. I ended up giving DS the rest of the bottle, which defeated the object of both me having a break and them having bonding feeding time. I was clearly annoyed and DH said "don't you dare be in a huff with me for watering the plants"

I guess with the going to the toilet/making a drink I am being unreasonable to be resentful. I think it comes from me responding to a needy DS in the early days immediately, I wouldn't have had time to go to the toilet or make a drink. (Ha! I sound like a right martyr!!)

But it is driving me crazy that he's doing things that could reasonably wait until DS is in bed when he could be spending time with him. After work there is so little time before DS' bedtime, and so much time after it, is it really unreasonable of me to expect DH to prioritise his son before houseplants/emails/other crap? Writing it down it feels petty but it is really really annoying me. DS was much wanted, DH was the one who always wanted children, I was the one who took my time to decide. We then had fertility issues and he was a long time coming. I know DH loves him, I just don't think he practically prioritises him in the same way I do.

Has anyone had this issue? Any ideas how to reasonably get my point across (if I am not being unreasonable, of course)?

Thank you for your helpful responses.

Digestive28 we are planning to do some shared parental leave. And to be honest how he is currently makes me worry about that, but it's a way off yet and we have some time off together to do a handover. I'll definitely be out of the house more then as they need to both get used to being without me there.

Parker231 after work, if he's back in time, DH will give an evening bottle, change for bed, massage and story. 1-2 weeknights he's not home. Weekends, not that much more tbh but getting a bit better. I'll occasionally have a Sunday lie-in and he'll take DS (DH not around Saturday morning). I'm ok with when DH isn't here, it's when he is that I expect him to spend more time with DS.

DS is mostly breastfed, which DH has said makes him feel like he can't look after DS as well as I can, because I can offer the breast (DS feeds on demand).

I haven't left DH with DS on his own much yet, when I have it's been in the morning at his happiest time. When DH has taken him out for a walk to give me a break it's only been half an hour.

I think this is very common actually OP. My DH was a bit similar at that stage. He used to watch me playing / interacting with our DC at bath time or just generally, and he once admitted that he just didn't know how to chat, pull faces and have that kind of face to face communication with them. I was also exclusively bf so DH was unaware of feeding patterns. He never got up in the night either as there was no point. It was the same with all three of ours. He would do what I asked him but that was about it.

The good news is that they get much better as the babies get older and can actually "do" things. Don't worry that your DH doesn't appear to be bonding as much as you would like at this stage. He'll do it in his own way in his own time.

I've experienced this with DP and DS even though DS is nearly 10months. Many times I've said "can you do this etc" "can you do that?"and it either offends him me asking and making out he does nothing or causes a bit of an unneeded argument! I think things will change when I return to work as he'll see how demanding it is having a child all day that sometimes you just need a break. I can understand he has to get up for work etc and may be tired so I let some things go. I do say about him missing out and yet again this offends him.. I think he takes it on board tho and sometimes I put it down to a confidence issue as he always talks about how much he loves DS etc however DS can play up for him a lot as he wants me! Bed times are a struggle and it does hold me back doing things as I worry about DP 'loosing it' if you get me. I'm prob not giving you much support or advice however just to say I know how you feel! I think as the children get older they may be a lot more involved and maybe it comes to some men more to be more hands on? This may get slated by some but I know how much he does love him - but maybe the confidence/etc doesn't know how to with some things???

DP must have spent 2 hours a day in the bath some days with DS1 at that age (he was fussy, and getting in the bath with DP pretty reliably calmed him down when we'd tried everything else)

Now the kids are older, he does have trouble prioritising - understanding that routine is important, and that sometimes, it's better to spend 10 minutes sorting the kids, then doing whatever he wanted to do, rather than going and lying down for 30 mins and wondering why it's all going to hell around him - it's like he doesn't connect that if they go to bed an hour late, the next morning they're grumpy toads. Or if you stick to a breakfast/dressed/tv routine, then they're easy to keep on track, but if you breakfast, wait 20 minutes while he showers and let them watch TV in the meantime, then they'll be difficult about stopping the cartoon and getting dressed.

YANBU. He expects you to be the primary parent and do most of the work. He seems to think he's only to give you a bathroom break every two weeks and or a bottle to your baby for three minutes and that gives you all the help you need. Problem is, a baby (and toddler) is a 24 hour job. You are a human being and need time to sleep, rest, and shower in peace occasionally.

I had clinical sleep deprivation when my son was a baby. It did weird things to my eyes and brain and I had to see a neurologist. My son literally did not sleep longer than 20 minutes at a time except from 7am-10:30am.

I remember one morning hearing my husband on the phone to his mother how the baby "slept all night, didn't hear a sound" and I thought, No, doofus, YOU slept all night! And you snored all night!! BECAUSE I WAS AWAKE ALL NIGHT.

I feel for you, Op. No amount of explaining helped my dh understand. He simply believed he was not obligated to worry about our child's, or my, needs....he's a good dad and husband but during that period, he was useless!!!

Shared parental leave will make things better, and absent yourself for increasingly longer spells in the meantime. I had to go back to work when DS was 8 weeks old. My husband had no choice and told me months later that he was absolutely terrified, but it had to be done and in some ways fear was the motivating factor to stick to routine, get up early, etc. I pointed out that I was equally terrified as we were both first time parents so I knew as much as he did about looking after a baby - DH looked sheepish and said he didn't think of that . Actually, I have to say, that this baptism of fire converted DH to become an actual partner in life - prior to that, he was a typical infantile single (man)child who didn't realise that laundry doesn't do itself, etc.