To ask what to do about this man?

[TrueSay]

So without being too outy - a large group of us that share a hobby went out last night.

About 40 men and women.

One of the women in the group I've become particularly close to as we have DC the same age and we live nearby. She's going through a tough time at the moment - having gained a lot of weight over the year and has some mental health stuff going on. To the outside world everything is good but overtime I've noticed and from what she's told me things are not.

Her husband is a genuinely lovely bloke. I've often though - found him staring at me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Last night I kept catching his eye.

Then I was talking quite passionately about politics getting quite animated and he turned round and said 'the way you are talking about it sounds like how you would talk about sex?' His wife was in listening distance - she didn't flinch or possibly didn't hear?

Strange thing to say.

Now I just think he possibly has a teeny crush on me - not being big headed BUT it's making me uncomfortable. Maybe it's all in my head - but he always goes in for a big tight hug when we meet and I'm generally pulling myself away!

Now what can I do about this? this lady means a lot to me as a friend. But I'm finding I'm distancing myself due to her DH. Because it all makes me really uncomfortable being around him.

To round it all off he's asked my DH out for a drink. Maybe it's me reading too much into it - I'm sure it is.

Help what can I do? Plus there is lots of other stuff that's happened - but the main stuff is he is ALWAYS staring at me!

tell your DH 100%

Also - if he was a genuinely nice bloke he would be so mortified he made you fell like that. But you are worried about protecting him a bit.... so you know he knows he is being a creep.

Married to that, is it any wonder she has mental health problems.....?

He's meeting your husband to get some info on the state of your relationship is
My guess. See if there's a weak spot. Ensure your DP doesn't say anything private to him. What a creep. Your poor friend

"Every time he stares at you meet his eye and ask 'yes?' or 'did you want to ask me something?'"

Think this is good advice, not too confrontational.

Right now this guy is absolutely relying on you not calling him out.

This is all totally freaking me out. I now realise his behaviour is entirely inappropriate.

It's actually made me literally sick today the stress of it. So uncomfortable.

How has he made me feel like this? So fucking unfair

It is inappropriate True. I understand your feelings and reactions. It is unpleasant and no wonder it has set off all sorts of natural alarm bells. Try to feel reassured now though, that your instincts are right.

Now that you now know what he is up to and if you tell your DP, you can be a united front I hope and you can be protected from him.

He will of course be sneaky and insidious in his behaviour, so it is harder to accuse him publically, but take strength from the fact that you know now, and it will no longer be a surprise. You can take control back from him. You do not have to let him near you or play his games and can confront his staring as others have suggested. You do not have to hug him at all. Perhaps hold out your arm/ hand and don't allow him close to you.

You are not the one on the wrong. He knows he is. Be brave and bold OP. Don't let the bastard get to you.

You need to stop making excuses for him. He is not naive, nice or anything else with a vaguely positive connotation. He's a twat who might cause you immeasurable issues going forwards. Deal with it now.

Agree with PP.

I bet he is NOT at all naive, but seeking to cultivate that image.

Suggest your DC do not spend time at his house, unless you are there too. I wouldn't want my DC around someone who was confident enough to behave that way towards women, in public.

I would seek to stay friends with his wife but almost always see her alone.

I would tell DH and ask him not to go for a drink with the creep.

I have had a couple of inappropriate comments from H's of friends (but no staring or other creepy behaviour) and said: "that was inappropriate" and / or moved away and avoided them. I judge men that do that: IMO it seems to indicate they are seeking a nasty kind of power, putting women in an awkward position to see if we will be "cool".

I know it's disappointing but I'd cool the friendship with his wife. I would be tempted to tell her why I was doing it, but would tread very carefully. It's likely this creep is abusive to her and it may open the door to talking about it. At the very least she should realise the effect this year is having on her friendships.

It's definitely a power play, OP, to make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Don't let him hug you, set your boundaries and raise a hand to him briefly, palm out, just as a warning, if he gets closer than that. As others have said, you need your DH to know, arrange a signal you can send him if there's a problem.

A quiet word to him not to ever touch you again might be in order, from you or your DH, depending on whether or not he takes notice of a non-verbal warning to back off.

He's a bastard; I feel sorry for his wife. Maybe her weight gain is due to comfort eating. I know that problem.

Thank you to you all for your advice.

I got to be careful how I play this - he's a very clever man.

I've been so naive.

I don't know the ins and outs behind my friends weight gain. It's been a significant gain - when I talk to her she doesn't appear unhappy but she does worry a lot about small things. So I'm sure she has a level of anxiety.

It wouldn't be too difficult to keep my distance. I don't want my friend to feel it's about her though. It's also my turn to invite her and DC around so I'm a bit more in control in my own home.

Glad you are beginning to see that it's OK not to feel like you have to accept his behaviour. You don't.

As for the swingers suggestion - surely active swingers have far easier means for securing willing partners than grooming actual 'friends'?

It's pretty straight forward. Next time you get the opportunity tell him straight to stop staring at you as it is making you feel uncomfortable. You are a grown woman, not a quivering wall flower. Take the power away from him. He does sound like he's on the prowl so put him straight.

Seriously, I'd tell everyone. In a jokey, "ewww" way. These people think they have control. Take it away.

I will tell my DH I just don't want to upset him.

He would be devastated that he left me alone to feel like this.

Your DH doesn't need to be upset. It doesn't need to be devastating or terribly dramatic.

Just say "Jane's DH stares at me a lot and makes inappropriate comments. He makes me feel uncomfortable, please don't leave me alone with him."

That's a weird response about your husband.

Devastated?
Upset?

A normal reaction would be to be annoyed on your behalf and then reassure you that he's got your back next time.

Interesting that you started out worried about appeasing / explaining sleaze (he's genuinely lovely, he's naïve) and now you seem to be prioritising your husband's feelings.

You're the one that counts here. If your husband is "devastated" he needs to curb his own drama and concentrate on you!

Ellisandra is right.

You are overly worried about two men's feelings here. What about you?

Don't take this the wrong way OP but do you fancy him a bit?

I don't think I fancy him. He freaks me out. He's a bit older than me.

I suppose some would say he's good looking. I think. I don't know. I think because of his behaviour I'm struggling to see past that.

So I don't think I fancy him.

Do you think he thinks i fancy him then he thinks he can stare at me? Am I giving some incorrect signals here. I'm so confused now

Fucking hell.

You are a married woman.
He is a married man.

You don't even fancy him.

Why the fuck is someone putting it in your head that his shitty behaviour might be your fault?!!!!

I am raging.

This man is a sleazy shit, and yet some stupid people still want to blame that on the women?

Jesus wept.

No, OP, you are not giving him incorrect signals - he is an arsehole.

He may well be one of those creeps who actively get off on frightening /hassling women... Horrid...

When he stares at you when you're in a group ... Say 'yes, were you wanting to say something as you were staring at me as if you were?'...this takes back power... You've noticed it and are calling him on it.

Personally I would very non - dramatically ensure you are not alone with him.. He sounds a creep

Of course you don't fancy him - what a ridiculous question, given your comments on this thread.

LTB!