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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my children to go to my parents/IL if we die

27 replies

Anditstartsagain · 10/06/2017 12:18

Just that really we both had questionable upbringings not awful but not what I would want for my children at all. My best friend would take them I know we have more of less the same parenting style and I know she would respect my wishes and spend the money on the kids nothing else. I have sorted it legally but an aware they could challenge it.

DP is on board but doesn't want anyone else to know incase we offend our families. I don't really want to bring it up either but wonder if we should make our wishes known. Tbh I doubt either would really want the kids anyway it would be more of a what would the neighbours think situation.

OP posts:

JellieTot · 10/06/2017 12:19

Write your wishes in a will

MariafromMalmo · 10/06/2017 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthebestnamesareused · 10/06/2017 12:22

You speak to the friend who will have them. You appoint them as guardian in your will. You set up a trust so that the friend has money for the kids maintenance and education. Your solicitor will be able to help with all this.

No need to tell anyone other than friend. We have done the same.

DonkeyOaty · 10/06/2017 12:23

No need to make your wishes public.

My husband and I* are named as guardians in our friends' will, similar circs.

*not royalty haha

JustHappy3 · 10/06/2017 12:25

Write your reasoning down and add it to your will. It's social services who would get involved and make a final decision.
At that point it's like they are being adopted. Why not come over to the adoption board and ask how to phrase it and what to big up about your friend and how she would cope with the problems. We've had to scrutinise ourselves and do it so could offer good advice.

krustykittens · 10/06/2017 13:04

I am NC with my parents, there is no way in hell they are getting my kids. My BIL has agreed to be their guardian in the event of our deaths and we have made a will to this effect and arrangements for their maintenance and education. No one has to know about it at all.

TidyDancer · 10/06/2017 13:16

I am named as guardian for my three godchildren (two different families). Both families do not have other family members to call on and so the DCs would come to me. I don't know if the families are aware, possibly I should ask that actually.

Solidasarock · 10/06/2017 13:21

You don't want them to be guardians and they don't want to be. I don't see where the problem is.

Unless of course you want to tell them to stick it to them.

FloralTribute · 10/06/2017 13:23

What allthebest said.

Original poster

Anditstartsagain · 10/06/2017 13:30

Solidasarock I think they wouldn't people to think badly of them so would want to take them to keep up appearances I wouldn't put it past them to fight each other but I don't think they honestly would want to bring up two young children.

My mum has legal guardianship of my niece and though she loves her she resents having to give up what she friends have ie free time and being the fun granny. DP's mum was a teen parent she admited she is so glad that her parenting days are over as she didn't enjoy them and is now reclaiming her life. They would be all Eastenders about it 'them kids need faaamlyyy round them' totally ignoring the fact that my friend is closer to them than most family and the most sensible choice in every way.

OP posts:

CressidaTheHeathen · 10/06/2017 13:37

I will take guardianship of my friends DD if anything happens to her. She was raised by her grandparents and her husbands family are pretty useless.

Her family and her husbands family don't know. It's in her will.

balancingfigure · 10/06/2017 13:48

Anyway, although your parents and ILs sound younger then mine it makes sense to have a guardian your age or similar. We didn't even consider our parents. Not because we didn't want them to look after DD but because being older we though there was more chance of them dying before us.

VIPissArtist · 10/06/2017 13:52

You dont need to let anyone know and of course one hopes it would never ever happen.

I feel the same but sadly we have no choice it has to be in laws but it could be worse...

We have put this in our will however in laws don't know ( they may try and bump us off...to get their hands on our dc)

theredjellybean · 10/06/2017 14:01

i am named as the legal guardian of my god daughter in her parents' wills , both sets of grandparents not aware of this, i am sure they would be secretly relieved but might feel a bit put out...better just quietly do it and not worry about it.
i am not sure they could 'fight it' ...unless they could prove that your friend was not a suitable guardian for the children ...?

BarbarianMum · 10/06/2017 14:06

Don't tell them - chances are they'll never need to know. Dsis/dBiL changed the guardianship of their son to me and dh from dBiL's sister because they disliked her husband. She's never been told and as dn turns 18 in a couple of months she'll never need to know. So hurt feelings have been avoided.

WinifredAtwellsOtherPiano · 10/06/2017 14:10

On the upside it's incredibly unlikely to happen if you and DH are both alive and well now, so that's probably a good reason not to cause family conflict and upset over a scenario which would never happen.

I think you'd be well advised to leave supplementary letters with your will explaining your reasoning but not actually in your will (because that's a public document and you probably don't want to make all your comments about your parents public).

NellieFiveBellies · 10/06/2017 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 10/06/2017 14:12

Just put it all in a will and then don't mention it to anybody except the friend , the likelihood of it happening is so slim that it's not worth the argument.

Sunshinesuperman · 10/06/2017 14:16

We have picked one of my ds, the one whose parenting is most similar to ours and who we trust the most. We have discussed it with them and written in our will. I have not discussed this with DP. DH did discuss with his dm and I think she was a little hurt. I would set it all up but not raise with your family. Hopefully it will never need to be known.

AuditAngel · 10/06/2017 14:19

I met DH as I was friends with his cousin. She and her husband are named as guardian for our 3DC should anything happen to us.

ScarlettFreestone · 10/06/2017 14:21

We picked one set of our parents over the other. The other set don't know. They would be hurt and as it's unlikely to ever occur they don't need to know.

The children know who they would go to but also know not to discuss it.

onlyjustme · 10/06/2017 14:27

Extremely unlikely to happen...
BUT write a will, just in case.
In our will we have appointed a person to "make the decision". Tomorrow my parents would be able to cope. In 2 years who knows?
Anyway, our appointed person makes the decision. She might raise them herself (unlikely...) or choose an appropriate guardian.

BackforGood · 10/06/2017 14:46

As long as it is all clear in your will, and you've made the financial provision for your friend, then you don't need to discuss it with anyone else. Odds are it will never be needed, so why offend them unnecessarily.

PersianCatLady · 10/06/2017 15:08

I have sorted it legally but an aware they could challenge it
Whilst you can put your wishes for your children in your will, if you and your DP both died whoever wanted to have your children live with them would still go through the same family court process as any other child residence case.

Family court judges make any decisions based on what is in the best interests of the child and your wishes really aren't considered that important.

A single father that I knew did earlier this year living behind his DD.

In his will he said that under no circumstances should his DD go to live with DD's GM (DD's late mother's side) but that instead DD should go to his sister.

DD was living with the sister but the GM put in for a CAO for custody.

The sister was being quite responsible and making the DD go to school and having firm rules and the like for stability.

GM lets the DD whatever she pleases and never says no or tells her off.

Following lots of appointments, hearings and interviews including with the DD the court decided that GM should have the DD live with her.

When the issue was raised that the father had expressly said that he didn't want DD to live with the GM in his will, it was said that the wishes of someone who is dead, even the father, do not override what the court has decided are in the best interests of the child.

Original poster

Anditstartsagain · 10/06/2017 17:23

Thanks. I think I may write a letter making it sound like i'm thinking of them as I said neither would want to raise them really so if they have a letter and some words to peddle off to their friends about respecting our wishes they would be less likely to make a fuss.

My worry would be on paper they are fine there is no good reason they are not abusers or addicts it's just they would parent the way they did 30 years ago and wouldn't bother with play dates or after school activities screen time or healthy diets. With my friend they would slot into her family and live similarly to what they do now.

OP posts:

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