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DD catfished

92 replies

NameChange3045 · 09/06/2017 23:29

Name changed for the safety of my DD. Sorry if it gets long but this isn't a troll, I promise

DD is 17 and a wheelchair user (This will come in later). Her 'best friend' of 5 years has been catfishing DD as a guy for the past two years! DD just came to me about it in tears as she recently clicked. She saw the girl midway through texting as she was coming.

The 'guy' isn't really nice. He acts as if he's a saint if he doesn't get angry for a bit if she has to get away from her phone..really he has a massive go at her for not messaging fast enough if leaving didn't suit him. Then the best friend has a go at her for 'upsetting her brother' and my DD would snap at her and the girls argue only for support staff having to stop them and get them 'back as BFFs'.

It's been daily for 2 months. DD went through and faked it with the friendship anddd also had to spend the time she would usually have alone as a study period with the bff because she decided to bunk lessons because of 'anxiety'.

She thought it was over and done on the last day of school BUT she has to go back in on Monday to edit her BTECs work since her teachers made a mistake with one mandatory unit. After this, she's done for the year. Next is uni and a different one.

She doesn't want to bump into the 'best friend'. Hard not to notice her wheels. They don't share lessons but generally the study spaces or if a friend speaks of her attendance the bff.

DD is naive but a bit vulnerable too and thinks the best of everyone! Bless. Well not now but she's heartbroken, scared and wants no confrontation.. It's heartbreaking... What should she do?

OP posts:
ThouShallNotPass · 10/06/2017 10:13

@CaulkheadUpNorf I know what catfishing is and am still very confused at the explanation of this situation.

A) Does the brother exist at all?
B) If the "man" in question was the BFF's brother, then why in two whole years had the OP's DD never met him in person? I knew almost all of my BFF's family and assume most of us are the same after enough years.
C) Why was OP's DD putting up with this "abusive" online only man?
D) Why did OP allow the DD's abusive relationship to go on?
E) Why is OP advocating lying to this fake online person to keep the fake online person happy? Why keep up the pretence?

All those bits make no sense.

ThouShallNotPass · 10/06/2017 10:14

Oh and yes, was it two years or two months?

MissionItsPossible · 10/06/2017 10:18


I am well aware what catfishing is and have seen the show a couple of times, what I quoted in my post just doesn't make any sense for the reasons I gave.

Italiangreyhound · 10/06/2017 10:18

I had assumed that the persona' if the 'the 'guy' was fictional but you said 'brother'. Is the nasty girl pretending she has a brother or pretending to be her actual brother.

If the brother is a real person then the family should be told. If he is older than the girl his sister could get Hon in massive trouble by pretending to be him and messaging under age girls. Even if he is younger he will one day be an adult and his sister could get him into trouble.

This is not your dd's problem but exposing this abuse could possibly give your dd closure and maybe also ensure that there is no future contact. Sat o g she knows but not exposing this girl could lead to the girl confining to pretend to be her friend and this could lead to further harm.

Collect evidence just in case.

Do speak to a counsellor please with your dd. She must feel so embarrassed but she has nothing to feel bad about. the other girl is the Villan and your dd needs to understand this.

Italiangreyhound · 10/06/2017 10:21

The opening post says it has been going on for two years. it says it has been daily for two months (which does not negative it happening for two years but means it was not daily until two months ago.)

The daughter realised recently and just told her mum. so her mum has only just found out. this is all in the opening post!

Fairenuff · 10/06/2017 10:27

I think the friend (let's call her F) has been catfishing OP's DD (let's call her D) by pretending to be F's brother (let's call him B).

What I'm not clear on is whether F actually has a brother or whether that whole person is completely fictional.

BalloonSlayer · 10/06/2017 10:31

For goodness sake, go to whoever is in charge of her 6th Form, or her personal tutor if it is a 6th Form college. This is a pretty serious matter. This person may well be doing this to others too.

Italiangreyhound · 10/06/2017 10:34

Thou I can't help you with a but maybe b) he diesn't live at home, or he met her and later said sorry to act all cool but no insist know about us, I really do not know but it is a good question.

For your other questions, I think you could workout those answers.

C) lots of women do get into and stat in abusive relationships, they are easy to get into because the abuser doesn't start out abusive!

D) why did the OP allow the abusovd relationship to go on?"

She just found out!

So she did not allow anything. It is on the opening post that she just found out.

E) as Dar as I can see the mum is not advocating anything to keeppthers happy! The daughter doesn't want to expose the friend as she doesn't want a fuss.

I expect the op would be happy to go in all guns blazing, I know I would. but the dd is 17, almost an adult, in a bullying abusive relationship which is all a big fay lie, I guess she is embarrassed.

I would say op you need professional help. There is nothing to stop this girl turning up and trying this again, with your dd. Exposure now may make her think twice. IMHO.

Italiangreyhound · 10/06/2017 10:35

No one ist know about us.

NameChange3045 · 10/06/2017 12:41

I have kept her phone in a drawer and she's deleted the app that she had messages coming true. Most are "I wonder if you're coming back after 2 weeks" or "I miss you". DD hasn't responded since the start of half term before..

Is this boy real? No but she has used a picture of a relative so they do look alike.

Why didn't she meet 'him'? She never felt comfortable with that so she used to cancel them or make up excuses.. Again they didn't like that

Has she tried to confront her? Yes, and she tried to leave her alone but she gets the " How dare you leave me because of a false accusation, we've been through thick and thin since year 8 so why don't you believe me. Is this because of my mh issues, is it. You're stupid and thick anyway because you don't do A levels." Horrible and she cried so people in the school can feel sorry for her.

Has she tried to leave? Yes but then the 'guy' would guilt trip DD and turn the friend on her so that they argue and teachers have noticed arguments but not the fact that DD is unhappy

OP posts:
NameChange3045 · 10/06/2017 12:58

And I'll change her phone number next week so she won't have to worry about her messaging or calling.

She can't really tell her sixth form staff abouy this because the student's have officially left and just in for exams.

Before she wanted to but she was embarrassed and scared that they wouldn't believe her word over the girl's. So I think I may have to contact the police if they contact her again. Should DD message her/them not to contact her again?

She doesn't know where we live which is convenient but only because DD is embarrassed over having friends over

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 10/06/2017 13:02

One final message, if she receives another one : 'You must not contact me again. Any further contact with be regarded as harrassment and reported to the police'

PeaFaceMcgee · 10/06/2017 13:03

*will be

ChasedByBees · 10/06/2017 13:07

She needs to block both the imaginary guy and her 'friend'. Real or not, you can stop speaking to someone whenever you like for whatever reason. She doesn't owe any of these real or imaginary people anything!)

NameChange3045 · 10/06/2017 13:47

I agree, I've told her that and she's told me that she will after she goes into school so there isn't more drama

I'm kind of worried for her now that she's going to university in Sept and I don't know how she will be with people

OP posts:
social · 10/06/2017 13:59

They have been close since the beginning of secondary, but she never met her brother? Did she never go to their house?

Have you called the girls parents and asked if there is a brother? As she has a mental health issue I think it's important that her family know what she has been up too. It may be an indicator of something else going on etc.

Badweekjustgotworse · 10/06/2017 14:10

namechange if worry about her true friendships that she forms at uni too, which is why I suggested counselling upthread. She needs to relearn what a normal supportive friendly relationship is. I'm so sorry she's going through this, it sounds horrible.

Also I'd be concerned about this friend trying to continue to harass her on social media if she/he can't get anywhere with messaging on the app they were using.

Please phone childline (or nspcc) for advice about online safety and bullying so you know what to do if this friend takes a grudge and decides to bring it to Facebook (or whatever the kids are using these days!) The last thing your daughter needs is this following her to uni in any way shape or form.

NameChange3045 · 10/06/2017 14:34

social No, DD never has been invited really, sadly enough hence why I don't have the parents' numbers.

Upon looking on fb, I really don't think that there is a brother because DD said the 'brother' had fb too and he is not on the friendslist of the friend which is odd because siblings would be your facebook friend right? but he's also not found on search. DD doesn't use her fb anymore but she does have one.

Badweek I'll call childline with DD and ask.

Should I message the parents? I feel like the police threat may be enough to scare her away?

OP posts:
CaulkheadUpNorf · 10/06/2017 14:36

Either you call nspcc adult line or get her to call childline. I was a counsellor and then a supervisor and it's likely you won't get put through if it's you calling them.

NameChange3045 · 10/06/2017 14:43

Caulkhead That makes sense, I'll tell her to do that.

I'll call her GP as soon as possible and get her seen to be referred to a counsellor

OP posts:
user1495025590 · 10/06/2017 14:50

I've calmed her foen and told her to say that her phone has been broken and that she's not been able to get to a PC because she's been in hospital. That is believable since DD goes to the hospital regulstly and the guy doesn't like that.. If it doesn't suit their timetable.

^^ I don't understand this? Why soes she have to make excuses to a guy who doesn't exist?

erinaceus · 10/06/2017 14:50

Yes, you should message the parents.

It's not about threatening her in order to scare her away. It's about her welfare. It sounds as if she needs more support than she is currently getting.

As for your DD and university, I think that you are right to be concerned. Are you able to access counselling for your DD over the summer? Or have her live at home for the first term for instance? It might take her a little while to process what she has been through.


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NameChange3045 · 10/06/2017 14:57

User1495025590 It's because she's scared of the consequences and the confrontation. She hates any type of confrontation even at home.

erinaceus She'll be at home for the whole course so I can get her some support in the summer and the time after if needed.. if there isn't a waiting list.

I'll message them with a message like this:

"Hi. I'm the parent of DD.

I have found out from my DD that your DD has been catfishing my daughter. I am not trying to stir trouble, but there may be something that you need to talk to your daughter about because this has currently affected my DD's look on friendships. Please warn your daughter that she should not contact my DD in any way shape or form.

Many thanks,


That sounds clunky, doesn't it?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 10/06/2017 15:05

The sixth form will definitely still consider the students as still at the school, believe me. The sixth form staff are still very involved with all the students right up until the end of term.

If this girl has done this to your DD, she might have done it to Year 12 students as well.

This will also negatively impact your DD in her final assessments. I can't imagine why you don't want to inform her teachers, as it's possible they could put in for special circumstances for her.

MissionItsPossible · 10/06/2017 15:10

It's because she's scared of the consequences and the confrontation. She hates any type of confrontation even at home. But the guy doesn't exist.

Yes, that is a good text message to send but get rid of because this has currently affected my DD's look on friendships because if the parents feed that back to the best friend she might use that information, via herself or the fake brother(?) to hurt her.

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