To think this is a dick thing to say by Dfriend's DH
Evelight · 09/06/2017 13:56
Dfriend was recently awarded an annual prize by the national association of her discipline, for a research project she did.
Her department threw a champagne reception for her and other award winners (a few at different levels).
At the reception, I said to DH of Dfriend: "Congratulations for your wife's award". (he came up to me and it sounded like the right thing to say?)
"Well it would have been very difficult for her to avoid winning it since she was the only one who completed a project [at her level], and they had to give the award to somebody"
He basically meant that since there were no other nominees for this annual prize, and she was the only one who completed a project in that discipline in that year, she kinda got the award by default.
I felt disappointed. I have not socialized much with this DH, mostly spending one-on-one time with Dfriend, but she always speaks very highly of him and they seem like a perfect, loving, supportive couples. She has also taken a "lower" sort of career to move where his career is flourishing. In a time where most my other friends, and myself, are all separated/divorced, they really seem as if they have a relationship to aspire to. I found myself thinking if this is the "bitchy" kind of comment this supposedly perfect husband says behind his wife's back (I had no idea before she had got the award because there was noone else to give it to that year), then honestly what hope is there for the rest of us?
My sister says I am reading too much in a throwaway comment and he was probably just tired from being at the reception, and not everything is about gender. I said "The only acceptable response when someone says Congratulations (for anything), is "thank you".
FreudianSlurp · 09/06/2017 14:07
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
House4 · 09/06/2017 14:15
YANBU .. but .. If it's true then it's true! No relationship or person is perfect! They could have just had a big row before leaving the house! Who knows! I would suggest you don't mention it to your friend. Often friendships outlast marriages these days and she will be aware if he really is like this.
Evelight · 09/06/2017 14:18
@TheAntiBop She has mentioned a couple of times jokingly that he said something like she would earn more as a barista than at her current salary levels...
@Freudianslurp I did feel that - but, I dunno, what are you supposed to say at this sort of event? And it wasn't just anyone else- it was his wife! Surely partners are supposed to share in each other's achievements?
RedSkyAtNight · 09/06/2017 14:29
Dunno - I won a similar sort of award once when I was the only person eligible for my category. Whilst I think the work I did was good, I've no idea whether it was award standard compared to others. And I wouldn't in the least mind my DH saying that I'd only got it by virtue of being the only candidate, to close friends!
YouWouldntLetItLie · 09/06/2017 14:36
She has also taken a "lower" sort of career to move where his career is flourishing.
I wonder if he's got rather used to his career being the big, shiny one? You're right, the only correct response is, 'I know! I'm so proud of her, she's brilliant.' It's up to her if she wants to be modest, not him on her behalf...
PinkPeppers · 09/06/2017 14:38
Her DH is jealous.
So not only has she scale back on her career for him but its clearly still too much sucess for him.
That was a really shitty thing to say. He should be proud of his dw achievement. To start with, if she was the only one to finish, then it means that the project she undertook must have been quite hard! And that she did a really good job of it.
Makes you wonder what is happening behind close doors though, doesnt it?
Splandy · 09/06/2017 14:53
It sounds like exactly what I would have said if I was your friend. My husband is much the same. I downplay any achievements and don't like to sound like I'm bragging. If my husband had said this, it probably would have been that I had said it to him and we'd laughed about it and he'd then repeated it as an attempt at humour instead of sounding like a show off.
YouWouldntLetItLie · 09/06/2017 15:10
The fact that her department threw a champagne reception for her and other winners shows they think the awards are meaningful, so for him to say, effectively, oh, it's a bit of a farce, makes him sound sulky and rather churlish. Say it afterwards, if you must, but not at the actual event where other honourees and their guests would be milling around.
Splandy · 09/06/2017 15:11
I don't think it is showing off when I'm sitting here discussing it, but when in that situation I would probably feel like a show off and make some sort of joke. I downplay anything good and feel uncomfortable with compliments. I don't think this is a good thing but this scenario could happen with me and my husband. Doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't value her or is horrible. OP would be able to tell much more from tone.
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