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To think this is a dick thing to say by Dfriend's DH

49 replies

Evelight · 09/06/2017 13:56

Dfriend was recently awarded an annual prize by the national association of her discipline, for a research project she did.

Her department threw a champagne reception for her and other award winners (a few at different levels).

At the reception, I said to DH of Dfriend: "Congratulations for your wife's award". (he came up to me and it sounded like the right thing to say?)

He responded:
"Well it would have been very difficult for her to avoid winning it since she was the only one who completed a project [at her level], and they had to give the award to somebody"

He basically meant that since there were no other nominees for this annual prize, and she was the only one who completed a project in that discipline in that year, she kinda got the award by default.

I felt disappointed. I have not socialized much with this DH, mostly spending one-on-one time with Dfriend, but she always speaks very highly of him and they seem like a perfect, loving, supportive couples. She has also taken a "lower" sort of career to move where his career is flourishing. In a time where most my other friends, and myself, are all separated/divorced, they really seem as if they have a relationship to aspire to. I found myself thinking if this is the "bitchy" kind of comment this supposedly perfect husband says behind his wife's back (I had no idea before she had got the award because there was noone else to give it to that year), then honestly what hope is there for the rest of us?

My sister says I am reading too much in a throwaway comment and he was probably just tired from being at the reception, and not everything is about gender. I said "The only acceptable response when someone says Congratulations (for anything), is "thank you".


OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 09/06/2017 13:58

Doesn't sound very supportive.


SorrelSoup · 09/06/2017 13:59

Yanbu. What a lovely man. I hope it's jealousy rather than him actually thinking she's a bit shit.


TheAntiBoop · 09/06/2017 14:02

you don't even know it's true. has she ever mentioned him being unsupportive before?


FreudianSlurp · 09/06/2017 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

House4 · 09/06/2017 14:15

YANBU .. but .. If it's true then it's true! No relationship or person is perfect! They could have just had a big row before leaving the house! Who knows! I would suggest you don't mention it to your friend. Often friendships outlast marriages these days and she will be aware if he really is like this.


aginghippy · 09/06/2017 14:16

YANBU The correct response is 'thank you'. Of course she has not won the Nobel prize, but it does sound like he is belittling her.


Evelight · 09/06/2017 14:18

@TheAntiBop She has mentioned a couple of times jokingly that he said something like she would earn more as a barista than at her current salary levels...

@Freudianslurp I did feel that - but, I dunno, what are you supposed to say at this sort of event? And it wasn't just anyone else- it was his wife! Surely partners are supposed to share in each other's achievements?

OP posts:

Evelight · 09/06/2017 14:19

@House4 no never would dream of mentioning it to her! I just felt annoyed that, she is always so supportive of him and speaks so proudly about him and his career- why wouldn't he do the same?

OP posts:

SamoanSamosa · 09/06/2017 14:20

That's the kind of thing I would say as a weird sort of modesty/avoiding too much attention kind of way. I always down play my achievements and would probably downplay my DHs too. I wouldn't read too much into it especially if he was just being honest!!


RedSkyAtNight · 09/06/2017 14:29

Dunno - I won a similar sort of award once when I was the only person eligible for my category. Whilst I think the work I did was good, I've no idea whether it was award standard compared to others. And I wouldn't in the least mind my DH saying that I'd only got it by virtue of being the only candidate, to close friends!


House4 · 09/06/2017 14:32

It shows you are a good friend to be annoyed Smile. And well done to here even if she was the only one it's nice you are proud of her.


YouWouldntLetItLie · 09/06/2017 14:36

She has also taken a "lower" sort of career to move where his career is flourishing.

I wonder if he's got rather used to his career being the big, shiny one? You're right, the only correct response is, 'I know! I'm so proud of her, she's brilliant.' It's up to her if she wants to be modest, not him on her behalf...


RockyBird · 09/06/2017 14:36

I have a DF whose DH doesn't have a nice, positive thing to say about her. The laugh is he's punching well above his weight in intellect, personality and looks. She behaves as if he's a catch.

Love is blind it seems.


Wanttobehonest · 09/06/2017 14:36

Not sure, at my last job interview I was the last candidate. I told everyone if they congratulated me! I felt like a fraud. I feel like I am boasting if I mention DHs achievements too. Maybe was misplaced modesty this sentence sounds weird.


Wanttobehonest · 09/06/2017 14:38

I was the ONLY candidate


PinkPeppers · 09/06/2017 14:38

Her DH is jealous.
So not only has she scale back on her career for him but its clearly still too much sucess for him.

That was a really shitty thing to say. He should be proud of his dw achievement. To start with, if she was the only one to finish, then it means that the project she undertook must have been quite hard! And that she did a really good job of it.

Makes you wonder what is happening behind close doors though, doesnt it?


ScarlettFreestone · 09/06/2017 14:44

It's an incredibly arsey thing to say.

The proper response is "it's wonderful, I'm so proud of her".

At least her department is supportive and proud.


NataliaOsipova · 09/06/2017 14:46

Samoan I agree with you. He may be the type for whom saying "She's marvellous and I'm really proud of her" seems like showing off by proxy, if you see what I mean?


superfluffyanimal · 09/06/2017 14:48

It could be that your DFriend shared this view with him? rather than him bitching?


Splandy · 09/06/2017 14:53

It sounds like exactly what I would have said if I was your friend. My husband is much the same. I downplay any achievements and don't like to sound like I'm bragging. If my husband had said this, it probably would have been that I had said it to him and we'd laughed about it and he'd then repeated it as an attempt at humour instead of sounding like a show off.


ScarlettFreestone · 09/06/2017 15:00

How is it showing off to say something nice about your wife at a reception held in her honour.

It's extremely poor form.


Londonlovely · 09/06/2017 15:03

YABU and sound vaguely envious. Your df's husband is none of your concern. Odd really to start a thread about it. Of course you are entitled to start a thread about anything but, Hmm really?


YouWouldntLetItLie · 09/06/2017 15:10

The fact that her department threw a champagne reception for her and other winners shows they think the awards are meaningful, so for him to say, effectively, oh, it's a bit of a farce, makes him sound sulky and rather churlish. Say it afterwards, if you must, but not at the actual event where other honourees and their guests would be milling around.


ScarlettFreestone · 09/06/2017 15:10

London are we reading the same thread?


Splandy · 09/06/2017 15:11

I don't think it is showing off when I'm sitting here discussing it, but when in that situation I would probably feel like a show off and make some sort of joke. I downplay anything good and feel uncomfortable with compliments. I don't think this is a good thing but this scenario could happen with me and my husband. Doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't value her or is horrible. OP would be able to tell much more from tone.

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