Advice please, not sure where to turn

[barkisworsethanmybite]

Hi all. I've been with my husband 15 years. We have 2 under 2, the youngest of which is 10 weeks old. It's an emotionally abusive relationship sadly and I've only just accepted that as I'm a strong person and was in denial. I gave up a very well paid job when I had ds1 and went on to have ds2 straight after. The company no longer exists so I couldn't go back even if I wanted to and if they would have me. I ebf ds1 and am doing same for ds2. I would like to do it for at least 12 months.

In addition to having all but eroded any feelings of self worth I had, my husband has been cranking the emotional abuse up and up and after horrendous verbal and mental abuse which was worse at Christmas, birthday and Easter, has now taken to telling me he wants a divorce, no longer loves me etc regularly. He seems to enjoy seeing me cry. I'm so bloody stupid.

I have no job, no access to our joint bank account and he has always controlled our money. I feel like such an idiot and stupidly I am heartbroken at the loss of my marriage and I don't know why. I suppose I'm realising it's all just empty abuse and not what I thought it would be because he has periods of being lovely. He isn't a shit to me all the time but when he is he is awful. He calls me horrid things in front of the children - slovenly, the b word, c word, lazy, fat, stupid etc. I'm so angry with myself to be in this situation with two babies and no way of supporting them myself. I feel trapped and isolated. He's really done a number on me and I know it now. I want to leave him but have no family, no proper friends (he has seen to that over the years by turning me against them all). All I have are ladies i know at surface level from play group. I feel so upset and heartbroken at the prospect of having to go to bottle feeding and putting the boys in nursery whilst I take a job I could do in my sleep to make ends meet. He has a supportive family who will take care of everything for him. He has made sure I don't have a good relationship with them either. I feel so bloody stupid and really need help but have no idea where to start. What sort of man does this? I have a number of serious continuing physical complications from both births and our youngest is so young. How could he do this to me?

Also (sorry to keep going on, I really feel for you and it's bringing back a lot of memories for me!) he is not entirely lovely with the children if he calls you a b and c in front of them, no matter how young they are.
I remember a quote that broke my heart, that the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother...

OP he is projecting the worst of his personality onto you. It's a form of brainwashing.

Emotional abusers like your DH use projection and gaslighting as part of their control. Just keep repeating this: It's NOT me, it's him.

He has brainwashed you by stealth. None of this is your fault. He is deploying classic abuse tactics. When you get a minute, look up Narcissistic Projection and also Gaslighting.

Well done for phoning Womens Aid.

No no no, he is gaslighting you. He is saying these things to confuse you and take away any confidence in yourself, and make you believe you need him/ can't do without him. Appearing lovely to 'outsiders' is a very very common part of situations like this.

DO not worry about the longer term contact situation. Deal with being safe first. Then contact can be formally sorted, and it could be, for example, that it has to be supervised with someone else, with a court order so he cannot see you.

What have I done to make him treat me like this? I feel like I must have caused it as he is so nice to everyone else.

You've done nothing wrong. He would be like this with any woman he has a relationship with. He'll do the same to the next woman he's with.

Abusers ARE nice in the outside world. It's part of the role, to stop you telling others, because they wouldn't believe you because he's so nice.

You're doing the right thing. You're grieving right now, for the life that you hoped to have, but didn't get.
You'll make new friends when you're not held down by him, and you can build up your self esteem.

You WILL get through this.

Please on a practical level, find all the paperwork and get it somewhere safe. Go and see a solicitor as soon as you can, and phone the local council about council tax benefit and single person discount. Claim income support www.gov.uk/income-support/how-to-claim

Look for private rented accommodation in case he stops paying the mortgage. It may not be necessary but it doesn't hurt to have a look around and be prepared, and it will do you good to keep busy if you can, and you will feel better if you have a plan.

Also can you access the joint account? He may try to empty it.

You have taken the first step by contacting women's aid and that is the hardest step. You are stronger than you think. Well done for putting your children and yourself first for once