Advice please, not sure where to turn

[barkisworsethanmybite]

Hi all. I've been with my husband 15 years. We have 2 under 2, the youngest of which is 10 weeks old. It's an emotionally abusive relationship sadly and I've only just accepted that as I'm a strong person and was in denial. I gave up a very well paid job when I had ds1 and went on to have ds2 straight after. The company no longer exists so I couldn't go back even if I wanted to and if they would have me. I ebf ds1 and am doing same for ds2. I would like to do it for at least 12 months.

In addition to having all but eroded any feelings of self worth I had, my husband has been cranking the emotional abuse up and up and after horrendous verbal and mental abuse which was worse at Christmas, birthday and Easter, has now taken to telling me he wants a divorce, no longer loves me etc regularly. He seems to enjoy seeing me cry. I'm so bloody stupid.

I have no job, no access to our joint bank account and he has always controlled our money. I feel like such an idiot and stupidly I am heartbroken at the loss of my marriage and I don't know why. I suppose I'm realising it's all just empty abuse and not what I thought it would be because he has periods of being lovely. He isn't a shit to me all the time but when he is he is awful. He calls me horrid things in front of the children - slovenly, the b word, c word, lazy, fat, stupid etc. I'm so angry with myself to be in this situation with two babies and no way of supporting them myself. I feel trapped and isolated. He's really done a number on me and I know it now. I want to leave him but have no family, no proper friends (he has seen to that over the years by turning me against them all). All I have are ladies i know at surface level from play group. I feel so upset and heartbroken at the prospect of having to go to bottle feeding and putting the boys in nursery whilst I take a job I could do in my sleep to make ends meet. He has a supportive family who will take care of everything for him. He has made sure I don't have a good relationship with them either. I feel so bloody stupid and really need help but have no idea where to start. What sort of man does this? I have a number of serious continuing physical complications from both births and our youngest is so young. How could he do this to me?

Bark you need to get out now. I know what you say regarding why should you leave but do you really think it's the right thing to stay just out of principal?

Is the house in joint names? If so it will be sold in the event of divorce and you'll get half of the profit made and can look to buy your own then? You could also leave temporarily and get an order to remove him from the family home so you can live there although in this instance it sounds like you need to be somewhere he doesn't know. If he's been violent before he can be violent again.

They would place you somewhere with your kids. Are you in a London council or elsewhere?

Please call Woman's Aid, you will feel much better once they explain things to you.

Thanks x x He has told me already he won't agree to sell the house - if we split, he wants it. He wants me to have nothing. He said he will buy me out...but he's no intention. I realise it's all just mind games. Even if it wasn't mind games, he has told me he doesn't love me and wants a divorce so it's over anyway.

Not in London. Can't say as don't want to out myself on here 🙁

Ok then call his bluff and offer one.

Although I do think you need to get out of there and find somewhere safe to stay. If you are named on the house he can't force you to let him buy you out. You'll also need a good solicitor -Woman's Aid will point you in the right direction there too. You will get legal aid as there is abuse.

I know it's a lot to take in and very daunting but think of this as the start of the rest of your life.

Please take the advice you're being given here by everyone. No one deserves to lives the way you are. Don't ever think there is no way out, there always is no matter how impossible it may seem.

Just because he wants you to get FA in a divorce settlement doesn't mean that's what will happen - he won't be allowed to leave you completely destitute just for the hell of it. He wants divorcing him to be a terrifying prospect for you so you stay and take his abuse. Don't listen to him, he is talking utter rubbish.

All the threats about the house and the money are part of the abuse and to make sure you feel you are over a barrel and do not leave.

Women do leave abusive partners, with nothing except a few clothes, every day. You have to decide whether not having much money, going to work and having safe happy children is better than your current situation.

Nothing in your posts suggests that it is a good idea to stay, really.

While you may find it financially difficult for a while, think long term, will you and your children be safer and happier? Will you?

@arbrighton is spot on.

OP please take all of this excellent advice.

I have literally just come out of a relationship that was verbally abusive a week or two ago, woman's aid was fantastic and so was the domestic violence helpline for my local police (I actually have a thread on here where the wonderful people of MN give me strength to call upon when it's hard)
Woman's aid will help you with the legal side, emotional side and everything in between, they're honestly fantastic and I would give them a ring hun

If you first don't get through, keep ringing someone will answer, they're just so busy all the time x

You can do it. Once the process starts it becomes in some ways easier. That's why I'd love to convince you to tell people in real life. Hear those words. See someone want better for you. They might not be able to force this wanker to quietly afford you what is yours by rights with civility. But you need a cheering team. With tea, cake, cattle prods on certain days. You can start a brilliant future. You really csn. The whole world will be there once you clear the fog and smoke this waste of humanity is clouding your vision with.

Don't have any practical advice - these lovely ladies have said everything much better than me

Just wanted to add my support. It's not you. You and your children deserve so much more. He's trying to make you feel like it's all you/in your head

Stay strong. Chat with us all here. There are some very knowledgable ladies here

(And if you can - let us know a rough area where you are - if you're nearby, I'd be very happy to help out in real life)

Please go and see a solicitor and financial advisor. If you can, find copies of any financial records/mortgage etc. Find out all your options ASAP. He doesn't get to ignore your wishes in a divorce settlement just because he doesn't want too. Also keep any evidence you have of him saying that. Financial abuse is taken seriously.

Dear OP,

Your situation made me think of this:

www.cps.gov.uk/news/latest_news/new_domestic_abuse_law_introduced/

"Domestic abusers who subject victims to controlling or coercive behaviour could face up to five years in jail under a new law which comes into force today (29 December 2015).

The new legislation will mean the CPS can for the first time prosecute specific offences of domestic abuse if there is evidence of repeated, or continuous, controlling or coercive behaviour.

.....

The consideration of the cumulative impact of controlling or coercive behaviour and the pattern of behaviour within the context of the relationship is crucial.

This behaviour can include:

• Stopping or changing the way someone socialises
• Limiting access to family, friends and finances
• Monitoring a person via online communication tools e.g. tracking apps on mobile phones
• Repeatedly putting them down such as telling them they are worthless
• Humiliating and embarrassing the victim"

I am sure Women's Aid will be able to provide more advice.

What an awful situation
I guess it's not advice as such but just know that you can do it own, 1000's of women do it for many different reasons, life won't be how you imagined it would but instead you get the opportunity to show your two boys what a strong independent woman their mum is and make them proud. I understand not wanting to put them in nursery if it's not what you planned but I promise you the babies won't be any worse for it.
Could you speak to the council about having to leave home because of abuse so you are technically homeless? I don't know about where you live but I have known people this has happened to and they are put top of the list for houses and get one nearly immediately, is there a friend you could stay a couple of nights with maybe while it gets sorted? I also know we have a local project that will give people in your situation and similar furniture for free so maybe see if there is anything like that near you?
It will be hard but know that you can do it OP and that it is the right choice - the hardest ones usually are!

Hi, thank you everyone. As an update I called women's aid. They were very kind and basically just listened. I felt validated for the first time in a long time. They have given me some advice which I will follow up. My husband has actually packed a bag and left. I don't know where he has gone and I have mixed feelings.

Mainly I am in shock that he has gone. I thought he threatened it to keep me worrying and to be nasty but with no intention of going. Now he has gone I feel really sad. I know he has been abusive emotionally (and historically physically too) but there were times when I was so in love with him...I think I still must be a bit....I believed I had found my soul mate and part of me hoped we could get back to that. So, I feel so very sad, as well as feeling overwhelmed at what lies ahead - separation, divorce, rebuilding my life with two under 2....

My head is a mess

Take tonight once the kids have gone to bed to take a breather, can he get back in the house? This is the hardest bit, once you've had a week or two to get your head together it does get easier, you feel like you can finally breathe again once you're sorted, it's so refreshing

I'm so sorry you are in this position, please continue on though and leave now. Your husband sounds like a total bastard, well done for having the strength to call womens aid. You say you feel weak but I think you have shown great strength, caring for two tiny children in horrible circumstances. Stay strong and I hope you take him for everything he's got... Half the house and half the money are legally yours anyway if mortgage is joint, hopefully you will get more considering his abuse, history of violence and the fact that you look after the children.

Thank you x I think I feel lonely....I have no one else now and haven't for a very long time. I'm scared but have got to be a good role model for my children. I can't have them thinking this is normal or acceptable. I've forgotten what a normal relationship can be like. I can't shift this feeling of sadness. I'm so sorry my children are going to have parents who aren't together and an emotionally abusive father 😔. I love my kids but part of me wishes I hadn't brought them into this bloody horrible situation. I had no idea it would be this way.

Half the time you never do until it's happening, don't blame yourself - that's all the shit he's jammed your head full of talking, head up high hun you can do this, it will take a bit but you can definitely do this x

Virtual hand to hold here Bark 👋🏼

Everyone has posted really good thoughts and suggestions and so I just wanted to send a paw of support and a non-Mumsnetty hug and to say I am thinking of you.

I'm staying on a tiny, tiny holy island right now and will light a candle for you tomorrow in one of the chapels. May your path ahead be illuminated. There will always be a way through. 🕯

You will find friends. Good friends will come back.

It might be hard now but you will be better off and every day will be a bit easier and you'll be a bit stronger.

Please do make plans though, I know you've said he's gone but to feel safe, I think you need to be elsewhere

You've taken a massive step tonight, OP, well done. Try now to just take each day as it comes and find joy in your children.
There is no stigma in having divorced parents. The most messed up people I know lived in unhappy homes. You are ending this abuse now, before your boys are influenced or affected. Your story starts now. Keep looking or the future and say on repeat.. "we deserve a happy life".

So sorry to hear what you've been living through and massive hug for taking the first steps to a better life. Abuse is abuse whether physical, verbal or emotional. It takes a while to realise that the person you love/loved will not change, even though he can sometimes be nice. Walking on eggshells waiting for the next time...
It took me so long to realise this. My kids are much older than yours and I regret so much the damage that was done to them by living in an abusive home life. One of them, in particular, was singled out by him, screamed and sworn at, told it would be their fault if we divorced, had toys smashed up by him etc and now finds it hard not to respond in anger in the same way that he did.
You will manage, you will be able to breathe, you will find lovely kind people that pop pout of the woodwork and understand and want to help. You will find there are a lot of others who have been through this...it's so typical that we keep it to ourselves, ashamed.
No, he will not be able to keep the value of the home. Finances in divorce are shared basically 50:50 but then adjusted according to need - your needs are a home for you and the children and financial support if you do not work. You are lucky that he has left at the moment. Although he is probably just trying to make you feel bad.
I left the marital home as I was so afraid, however, it did make it harder for the children and I wish now I'd been braver and got an occupation order.
I have mourned for the lost potential of a happy marriage, but I accept that nothing I could have done could have made his behaviour any different. Living in fear is a shadow of a life.
I have never regretted leaving. Take it one step at a time, be kind to yourself x

Thank you everyone. I need to accept he won't change and that it's not me but part of me feels like it must be me because he is so lovely to everyone else. Most people we know think he is amazing as he does anything for anyone. I imagine they see me looking a state and being miserable looking and feel sorry for him that he has to put up with having a crap wife. They simply wouldn't believe what he is like with me.

I have hope that I can have a happier life without him. I'm sad that I will not be able to cut him off because we have children and I know he will take every opportunity to make me feel bad about myself and manipulate the children into blaming me - I blame me (although I'm starting to realise it isn't me) so young children have no hope against his brainwashing.

As vile as he is to me, he is great with them. They love him

What have I done to make him treat me like this? I feel like I must have caused it as he is so nice to everyone else.

He keeps telling me I have pnd. I don't think I do - he keeps putting me down and criticising me all the time and when I retaliate I'm told I'm nuts and need mental help. He has 'offered' to go to docs with me and support me through my issues but won't want me to say how he has been treating me. He says I'm isolating him from his family and friends when the reality is it's the other way around. All the things he does to me he accuses me of doing to him. Could I be emotionally abusive too?

I'm struggling to think straight. My mind feels foggy and confused.

I never used to be like this. I have always been insecure and had low self esteem but I'm questioning everything and have no trust in my own opinions now.

He says I'm argumentative and don't listen to him and dont respect him. I'm just trying to stand up to myself - being constantly put down, criticised and told I'm an embarrassment to him (my appearance is now increasingly under fire)....in a string person so i try to stick up for myself.

Sorry for long post. I feel like everything is a mess.

No you're not emotionally abusive! That;s just one of his tools... I bet you run yourself ragged thinking how to make things better and does he do the same??
He says you're argumentative? It's the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it? We went to couple's counselling and the therapist told us that we should both be able to say "stop" in an argument and the other person should respect it. I tried that during one of his many small hours' tirades. He told me I was being rude to him!
Incidentally, after a while even the therapist said it wasn;t a couples issue and referred him to anger management. Still didn't change.
To criticise your appearance is bullying and targeting what he perceives as a weak spot. No doubt your self-esteem is rock bottom anyway due to this situation.

Also try looking up narcissistic personalities. They are deeply insecure inside and need to bolster their self-esteem somehow i.e. by making out you are worse than them. No way could he let that side be shown in public because it would threaten his own view of himself, which needs to be that he is perfect (even though deep down inside he feels far from it).