Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that extra-curicular events should not be compulsory?

36 replies

adventuresinleaves · 08/06/2017 19:21

DS is in Y3. His school organize an annual extra-curicular event that they insist all students must attend. The children will be bussed to the event directly after school, and parents are also expected to attend as spectators. The children also require fairly elaborate costumes, which parents have to supply. DS (and a few of his friends) really don't want to go. He has been moaning about it constantly since it started being discussed at school. He got into trouble today for ripping up the letter telling me about the costume. I certainly don't condone his behaviour and don't have any problem with him being told off for it. However, I understand why he did it. I also have no particular desire to spend a couple of hours in an overcrowded hall watching an event I certainly wouldn't go to if DS wasn't in it, and I won't get any enjoyment out of knowing he resents having to attend. I have been quite neutral with DS about it. Explaining that he is expected to go and its only a couple of hours. I also told him off for ripping up the letter and getting in to trouble. But I agree with him and feel like throwing a similar hissy fit myself TBH. AIBU?

OP posts:
Trb17 · 08/06/2017 19:24

We had a similar thing with a Carol service every year and a letter saying All children must attend

Yeah right. My time after 3:15 so just never went apart from in final year.

Acopyofacopy · 08/06/2017 19:28

Is this a state school? I don't think any events outside of school hours can be compulsory. The same applies to spending money on costumes.

Will the school pay for transport?

Original poster
adventuresinleaves · 08/06/2017 19:29

Thanks. That's what i think too. Part of the problem is them being bussed there directly after school. It makes it quite difficult to allow them not to attend without having a confrontation with the school. I don't want to lie and make up some sort of excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
adventuresinleaves · 08/06/2017 19:30

It's an state academy (C of E) and, yes, they pay for the transport.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 08/06/2017 19:32

The school can't make him go, tell them you re picking him up at the end of the day.

What is the event ?

CherieBabySpliffUp · 08/06/2017 19:32

Just tell them he isn't doing it.
If you normally collect him from school then collect him as normal.

SquidgeyMidgey · 08/06/2017 19:33

Ours do a summer evening event that is 'compulsory' and it's the same e-v-e-r-y year so by yr 6 it's lost it's shine somewhat.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/06/2017 19:37

It's a teaching moment. Do you want him to learn that when he disagrees with something you will support him to object? Or do you want him to learn that rules are rules and there is an expectation? I'd prefer the former and would be happy to challenge the school on this.

I would, however, be having words about ripping us the letter.

OatcakeCravings · 08/06/2017 19:40

Just pick him up from school giving him a letter to take in saying he doesn't have permission to go. Sorted!

Mumoftu · 08/06/2017 19:52

Yeah just send a letter in saying he won't be attending. If you must you could say you have somewhere to be or that no-one is able to get to the venue to watch/collect him but saying you don't want him to participate is enough. I'd be happy enough to go along with the faff/costumes etc if my child was keen but if not I wouldn't be forcing them. If they want to make it compulsary it needs to be in school hours.

GahBuggerit · 08/06/2017 19:56

Hahaha ds's school do a similar thing. Increasingly shouty letters as the event nears and so on.

DS hasn't been once. I just tell them my parents will collect him from his class at his usual time. I get the "but ALL children must attend" so I rinse/repeat in monotone "sorry but its not possible, my parents will collect him at the usual time"

Mumoftu · 08/06/2017 19:56

MrsTerryPratchett it's not 'the rules' that the child must attend though. If the school told them they had to attend at weekends they wouldn't have to do it. Complying with regular rules should be encouraged but so should questioning things that aren't right.

Original poster
adventuresinleaves · 08/06/2017 19:57

Exactly how I feel Mumoftu. Exactly. There is however, the added complication of his behaviour with the letter. I have a feeling like I am condoning it, and possibly encouraging him to do something similar next time he feels strongly, if I let him get his own way now.

OP posts:
oobidobidooooo · 08/06/2017 20:10

I hate this. DS also has to do this and we even have to buy tickets at £10 each. They've also told that whoever doesn't go will be bottom of the list when it comes to picking parts for the school play. Shame!

Not great he ripped up the letter but I don't. Lane him Wink

2ndSopranos · 08/06/2017 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
adventuresinleaves · 08/06/2017 20:24

It's a dance festival. So, you folks telling me not to send him - you still thinks so? Even though he's been so naughty with the letter?

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 08/06/2017 20:29

Yep. They are two separate things. You can still have his back and have a go at him for ripping the letter up.

SnugglyBedSocks · 08/06/2017 20:30

In the big scheme of thing's is ripping a letter really THAT bad??

It's an activity he doesnt want to go to and so in his mind you don't need that letter.

He has been told off for it, let it go.

They are separate issues.

MissShittyBennet · 08/06/2017 20:34

My decision about whether or not to send him wouldn't be impacted by him ripping up the letter?

He doesn't want to go. If he did, that would be a reason to send him. The decision therefore comes down to whether you want him to attend or not. Will it be useful, beneficial, enjoyable? It seems not, from what you say, so I can't see how making him go and inconveniencing yourself by having to provide a costume is sensible. If you're that unhappy about him ripping up the letter, there are alternative punishments.

Original poster
adventuresinleaves · 08/06/2017 20:40

I'm not that bothered about the letter at all, but I try to be supportive of the school and the teachers. I don't want to be 'that parent'. My instinct is to say, bugger it, you're not going, but I feel conflicted because it's a good school and the staff are generally lovely and it is really being pushed.

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 08/06/2017 20:45

Dd & ds's junior school used to do similar but I refused to let dd miss her panto rehearsals or dance classes in the run up to exams/performances.

GahBuggerit · 08/06/2017 20:51

If you're generally supportive then you won't be THAT parent. And guaranteed your ds won't be the only one not going.

I honestly don't think I'd force DS to do anything extra curricular that he didn't want to. They are under so much pressure from such a young age as it is. Not to mention pissing about with costumes etc - nah, big fat hairy balls to that!

user1491810905 · 08/06/2017 21:04

For me it depends a bit on if the event is a sit down and get through it 'leavers' service style thing, or if it's something they have to perform at. If the latter then I agree, don't make him go. There is a weird sort of value of learning to sit through boring services we don't want to attend, but less value in being forced into an activity we don't want to do and aren't allowed to say no to!! That doesn't ever happen to us as adults, does it. So why should it happen to children?

When I was in secondary school, which was compulsory. I was desperate not to do it, I found things like that embarrassing and they made me incredibly anxious. My mum withdrew me, somehow and I've never forgotten. I felt like she really had my back and considered my feelings.

I'm now a teacher. Obviously we run events and shows like this, many of which are 'compulsory' but I will always always listen to my students if they feel really uncomfortable with doing something, and stick up for them if need be!!

I think if it's just one thing, and he doesn't have any other issues joining in with whole school events etc, then yeah I'd probably let him sit it out. If it's something that happening regularly then I'd look at why. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Original poster
adventuresinleaves · 08/06/2017 21:17

It's a performance. He's learnt the dances but he hates it so much. Surely this sort of thing should be optional and only for children who enjoy it?!

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 08/06/2017 21:23

So don't make him do it? It is optional, they just make out that it isn't. Nothing will happen if he doesn't go.

Swipe left for the next trending thread