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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To dump boyfriend? **Title edited by MNHQ**

47 replies

IPutBabyInTheCorner · 08/06/2017 12:47

Been seeing someone for around 4 months. When we're alone it's fine as I can put up with his quirky behaviour and have become used to what is probably quite rude social interactions (cutting me off mid sentence, ignoring me when I'm talking to him etc) but we've been out in public more often recently and I just find it all so cringey. Example we were waiting to get on a bus and a little old woman who was struggling to walk tried to grab the handles near the bus door and pull herself onto the bus only for him to almost push her off the bus and barge past her. She almost fell over, I was mortified. Another bloke in the queue went ballistic and started shouting at him to "have some fucking manners" and "if you want to push people about, push me you ignorant cunt" etc etc!!! DP was blatantly terrified and stood there fiddling with his collar mumbling about being in the queue first and the woman had tried to push in which set everyone else off laughing at him and calling him names. I was so embarrassed and just walked off in the end. He came running after me - I thought he was going to try and justify his behaviour or even apologise and all he said was "were are you going? We're going to miss the bus!" !!!!!

Other examples too such as being in a shop, him asking for advice and then literally walking off whilst the assistant is mid sentence.

I've told him I find his behaviour rude and embarrassing and all he says is "I can't help that, I have aspergers!" But he's never actually been diagnosed with it, he's just decided he is because his ex said he might have it!!

AIBU to just finish with him, aspergers or not I just can't be doing with the embarrassment.

OP posts:
Racmactac · 08/06/2017 12:49

God no. End it now.
He's just decided he's got Asperger Hmm

peaceout · 08/06/2017 12:51

If you don't want to be in a relationship with a person then you should end the relationship, it needs to be mutually enjoyable or don't do it

HeyRoly · 08/06/2017 12:51

Why on earth would you stay with him out of pity/guilt?

You don't want to be his girlfriend anymore, so just end it.

Leaderwithsoul · 08/06/2017 12:52

Yes finish with him.

You don't sound like you would be prepared to be understanding if he had it.

Find someone NT

Kokusai · 08/06/2017 12:54

Aspergers isn't an excuse to push old people over because you were in the queue first.

Ditch him.

Leaderwithsoul · 08/06/2017 12:56

No but its a reason to struggle with social rules.

Nice thread.

LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 08/06/2017 12:56

You can have aspergers and be rude you can not have aspergers and be rude.

You can be nice and have aspergers and you can be nice and not have aspergers, they are not mutually exclusive.

I have aspergers (yes I've had an assessment Grin ) and I still have manners, if you don't like him you don't like him, I know it's nice when people are understanding and tolerant but if you don't like him you don't like him and that's fine!

IPutBabyInTheCorner · 08/06/2017 12:58

Thing is, I do like, just can't cope with how rude he is.

OP posts:
patronsaintofglocks · 08/06/2017 13:00

Dump

patronsaintofglocks · 08/06/2017 13:02

I'm not NT but that's just...bad manners and behaviour.
He's not even diagnosed!

FilledSoda · 08/06/2017 13:04

Dump him because you don't like him , that's reason enough.

MrKaplan · 08/06/2017 13:13

If you aren't able to understand his behaviour please let him go to find someone who will be a decent partner for him.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 08/06/2017 13:13

Get rid. He's not even got a flipping diagnosis and yet he's using the label as an excuse to be dreadfully rude. The people I know with Asperger's don't claim they 'can't help it', they have spent years and years trying to make sense of rules and social cues to avoid rudeness. And they know how to apologise!

user1495451339 · 08/06/2017 13:14

My brother has Aspergers and would never push in front of an old lady. That's not to say it won't affect people differently but he sounds like he is using it as an excuse.

StripeyCurtains · 08/06/2017 13:17

Why don't you encourage him to seek a formal diagnosis so that he can then work on ways to manage his behaviour better?

TheSockGoblin · 08/06/2017 13:19

I think ending things with someone because they use a condition which they have no intention of actually seeking help for, (or finding out if they actually have it!!) in order to mitigate their shitty behaviour, is more than acceptable.

But you do realise you can break up with someone just because you don't want to be their girlfriend anymore, right? You don't need a reason more than that!

jamrock · 08/06/2017 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbluebus · 08/06/2017 13:19

If you really like him, would he be open to you teaching him the social skills that he needs? Maybe his rudeness has just been excused all of his life and no one has tried to correct him. My adult DS also has Aspergers/HF ASD and would not behave like that as he has been taught appropriate social skills

purpleladybird · 08/06/2017 13:19

OP - There's not a single thing in your post which suggests you like him. If you can't stand him in the honeymoon period then you will be miserable by Christmas.

Just ditch him. No need for drama or mention of his potential ASD, it just isn't working out.

TheSockGoblin · 08/06/2017 13:20

Also WHY on earth are you 'getting used' to his rude behaviour when others aren't around and it's just the two of you? Don't you believe you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect?

user1493059174 · 08/06/2017 13:20

God no! Get out! His behaviour will just increasingly irritate and embarrass you. Could you imagine how it would be should you stay and have children with him?!

LadyIrisBarclay · 08/06/2017 13:21

I know 3 men in their early 20's who have Aspergers who would never behave in the way you describe.

Nor do they use their condition as an excuse for being a dick.

Dump

DistanceCall · 08/06/2017 13:21

I have no idea whether he has Asperger's, but you are not an NGO. You don't have to have a relationship with him because he is not NT. You should only have a relationship with someone because you love them and like being with them.

neddle · 08/06/2017 13:24

It's incredibly difficult for adults to get assessed for aspergers. Just because he hasn't been diagnosed doesn't mean he doesn't have it.
I was diagnosed with it 5 years ago, but only because I had social services behind me pushing it.

Urubu · 08/06/2017 13:26

Choosing a lige partner is one of the rare situations where you can be as politically incorrect as you want IMO, because this is such a personal decision. I mean, we choose partners based on physical appearance, wealth, how they perform in bed, etc, why not mental health.