To dump boyfriend? **Title edited by MNHQ**

[IPutBabyInTheCorner]

Been seeing someone for around 4 months. When we're alone it's fine as I can put up with his quirky behaviour and have become used to what is probably quite rude social interactions (cutting me off mid sentence, ignoring me when I'm talking to him etc) but we've been out in public more often recently and I just find it all so cringey. Example we were waiting to get on a bus and a little old woman who was struggling to walk tried to grab the handles near the bus door and pull herself onto the bus only for him to almost push her off the bus and barge past her. She almost fell over, I was mortified. Another bloke in the queue went ballistic and started shouting at him to "have some fucking manners" and "if you want to push people about, push me you ignorant cunt" etc etc!!! DP was blatantly terrified and stood there fiddling with his collar mumbling about being in the queue first and the woman had tried to push in which set everyone else off laughing at him and calling him names. I was so embarrassed and just walked off in the end. He came running after me - I thought he was going to try and justify his behaviour or even apologise and all he said was "were are you going? We're going to miss the bus!" !!!!!

Other examples too such as being in a shop, him asking for advice and then literally walking off whilst the assistant is mid sentence.

I've told him I find his behaviour rude and embarrassing and all he says is "I can't help that, I have aspergers!" But he's never actually been diagnosed with it, he's just decided he is because his ex said he might have it!!

AIBU to just finish with him, aspergers or not I just can't be doing with the embarrassment.

Yeah, I'm with The SockGoblin(great name)

Almost more worrying that you have normalised accepting rudeness to you, as long as nobody sees, so you're not embarrassed.

He doesn't sound like he has Aspergers - he has rude twat disease IMO.

How have you put up with him for four whole months?

If in doubt, get out! If you love someone, you love ALL of them.

Urubu its not a mental health condition.

I have Aspergers. Officially. His behaviour is unacceptable. I wouldn't do that. Everyone over the age of 3 knows that pushing and shoving is not permitted especially old people. People with Aspergers might need to learn that sort of thing in a slightly different way to other people, but they do need to learn it.

For anyone seeking a diagnosis, I was diagnosed fairly recently on the NHS, after speaking to my GP and to IAPT.

I think it doesn't matter that much, it's a neurological difference not a mental health thing, but it can cause mental health problems if untreated.

Anyway, back to the OP, you could suggest he gets some help and improves his behaviour. If he doesn't want to then it wouldn't be unreasonable to split up, and it's possibly kinder to do so sooner rather than later.

Statistically, there are likely to be more undiagnosed adults with aspergers than diagnosed, I think. So he may well have aspergers, or a related syndrome.

He may well be oblivious to people around him, unless he's got his 'paying attention' hat on. He may have ADHD, and again struggle to be aware of what's happening around him and have poor impulse control.

Whatever the issue, you will need to educate yourself on ways to support him if you are to stay together.

You don't sound sufficiently motivated to do that, TBH.

Some people with ASD are inadvertently rude to those around them. Please don't write them off as rude twats, just because you know people with ASD who are not.

What are you waiting for .... nearly knocking an old lady down ..... 🤔

Whatever the issue, you will need to educate yourself on ways to support him if you are to stay together.

No, she won't! I have Asperger's and I want a partner- not a care worker. If he is concerned about his possible diagnosis and ways to deal with it, he needs to seek professional help.

You can't cope with his behaviour, so yes, dump him.
He may or may not have Asperger's - but the point is that YOU can't deal with his behaviour, so why put up with it?

Asperger's isn't a "get out of jail free" card when it comes to social behaviour issues. My niece has it - doesn't mean she gets to behave like that and get away with it (but then she is only a young teen still)

Dump him, OP. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who has completely different values from yourself.

Have you told him you are embarrassed to be with him due to his behaviour ?

Why are you ok with his behaviour or trying to put up with it? Doesn't matter if he has aspergers or not; what matters is his rudeness and disrespect for other people
Ltb

why doesn't he get an assessment? If he does have ASD then it cant be helped.(In some cases. ) If I can speak from a personal point:

My DC has ASD and comes across as very rude, shouts ''get out of my way'' to people in public, even though for years Ive been virtually pounding manners and respect and courtesy in DCS head, ( please say ''excuse me'' etc)to no avail.

Id also say to DC ''If you don't hear/see me be rude to people, I don't know why you think its okay to be.''

, I lead by example, Im the most courteous, polite well mannered respectful person around. (in rl anyway!)

Its embarrassing when DCs like this in public, and DC also pushes people out of the way if they get in DCS 'space'. I have to apologise for DC and say why DC is that way. people usually understand when I explain.

and any form of 'punishment' is useless cos DC just doesn't understand their actions and cant connect actions and consequences. Not that I want to let Dc get away with anything, Im very strict. Its a conundrum and I have to find the best strategys to cope with DC and for DC to cope.

Your boyf cant make assumptions he has a condition unless its officialyy diagnosed. If hes reluctant to ghet it seen to, then he may be making things up and using ASD as an excuse to be rude.

If he really has gor ASD it can come with the territory Im afraid, it affect people differently. some ASD can manage with some of what life throws at them and others cant cope at all.

My DC really cant help it . HTH.

Jessica, don't you think NT people need to be reasonably aware to help make a relationship work? Some people with ASD are not very self aware, and need friends, employers, family, partners to point things out to them in a constructive way. The very condition often carries with it a lack of awareness when they may need support, and a real difficulty asking for it.

If you have had an early diagnosis and benefited from learning how to manage your diversity and are able to manage without any need for flexibility from those around you then that is great!

Many people are not.

*He may well be oblivious to people around him, unless he's got his 'paying attention' hat on. He may have ADHD, and again struggle to be aware of what's happening around him and have poor impulse control.

Some people with ASD are inadvertently rude to those around them. Please don't write them off as rude twats, just because you know people with ASD who are not.*

^^ this.

He may well have Aspergers, he may well not. Queue pushers fuck me off but I wouldn't push them.

But what you shouldn't do is call him Aspergers boyfriend. It's fucking rude and the tone derogatory to those with it.

If you have had an early diagnosis and benefited from learning how to manage your diversity and are able to manage without any need for flexibility from those around you then that is great

I actually got diagnosed when I was over 40, and have been lucky enough to have some great friends who accept me as I am. But my family while not at all supportive were very good on positive socialising and it helped a lot.
But I want to be treated as an equal- not someone's pet project.

He may or may not have Aspergers, but you are not his mother or social worker, and you don't owe him anything. You can be a good mate, but I don't think, from what you are saying, it will work out as a romantic match long term. You will just have more of these incidents where you are left feeling embarrassed, ashamed and helpless.

As a naive 18 y/o, I briefly dated someone with Asperger's, though he was diagnosed. He was embarrassing to be with, he would talk loudly about all manner of inappropriate things where people could overhear and was generally oblivious when it came to other people. He dumped me in a very cold, public manner and was outraged I didn't want to be friends afterwards - nagging mutual acquaintances about why I didn't want to be friends and then getting cross with their answers.

Honestly, there's no room for political correctness when it comes to dating. I would not go out with someone with ASD again unless possibly I had been friends long enough to see what their behaviour was like and knew I could cope with it.

Life's too short for making yourself miserable in order to be "nice", you don't owe the guy anything other than a kind let down.

QuiQuaiQuod you said " I lead by example"

As long as that works for your son, that's great (I'm guessing you get his attention and explain what you are doing, which is a bit different to just expecting him to observe you and understand), but speaking in general terms, people on the spectrum don't pick up on being 'led by example' at all. Inferences and hints are baffling.

Blannkface I know, itsa alosing battle . But I still try.