Is it me or him? Freind is female incase it matters.

[Patriciathestripper1]

Live rural and go into town once a week to shop.
Before shopping I meet up with my one freind for a coffee. I don't see her any other time just the odd text.
I don't go out during the week so basically just doing home stuff and doing things with Dd and Dh.
Coffee takes a maximum of half an hour and sometimes we have s look around d shops but I'm always home for about 12 or 12.30 at latest.
Me and Dh always row when I say I'm having coffee with freind on a Thursday.
He always makes a point of ringing me asking me what I'm doing or where I am knowing full well I'm in the cafe.
He basically thinks I'm wasting time and money when we have loads of other stuff to do (his words).
Iwe argued about it this morning but I still went for coffee but cut it short and feel horrible now because of him.
He is making me doubt myself and feel guilty for going for a fucking coffee when yes we have things to do but nothing so urgent.
Is it me or him who is unreasonable?

Make an escape plan. Life is too short.

Has he always been like this? When and how did it start?

raven no I don't think he is a good dad anymore. He is like a child at times, breaks promises and spoils days out.

What are you going to do about it then patricia?

As I said, if you don't leave (or try to change things,) he will never change, and you will end up an angry and bitter middle aged woman who regrets her life. Because this man will not change.

op I don't quite understand how 7 hours a week would cause upheaval but obviously only you know whether it would or wouldn't. However don't necessarily rule it out on that basis as it could be a stepping stone to something else and I also think it sounds like your marriage would benefit if you weren't at home 24/7 which is what your DH seems to have come to expect.

You Cant handle his control issues. Only he can do that. Get the job, save a bit over the summer, speak to the council about rentals and eligibility for housing benefit, speak to CAB about benefits and then once you have prepared leave this miserable piece of work behind.

Controlling prick.

I had a boyfriend once who said he 'didn't like' me talking to this other bloke. I laughed in his stupid face. He crumpled like a soggy paper bag and I dumped him. Utter fucking red flag move, literally not ONCE does a man tell you what to do, where to go, who to go with.

And a vile example to set to a child.

You'll be safer - literally - away from him. What is he going to do if you 'defy' him? Hit you?

Take this job if you are successful and if not find another one. He doesn't want you to work outside the business because he doesn't want you to be independent. Same goes for meeting friends etc.

Patricia, think about the example this is setting your child about how relationships should be, thats what made me split from H. Its not easy but the relief you will feel when you have done it is priceless, you, and your child deserve better.X

Oh my goodness, take the job and get your foot in the door. Hopefully 7 hours will turn into a full time job.

I couldn't put up with him.

I went out for dinner with a friend on Friday night and then out again for a very long lunch with another friend (think 12 to 4.30) the other day. DH is a complete love about it. Starting full time job soon so the long mid week lunches will come to an abrupt end shortly!

Do you honestly think if you stay with him that he'll get better about this sort of controlling behavior? It'll probably only get worse.

I couldn't live my life with someone like that.

Maybe have this moved to "relationships" OP and I am sure there will be people who can offer practical advice.

I know you feel like you have nowhere to go but even if you leave and end up in a hostel / refuge / B&B whilst you sort yourself out, at least you will have your freedom and your DD's respect and trust.

Make a plan to get out of this hideous and abusive relationship

You cant control or manage him. Let that idea go, its not possible. Talk to Womens Aid and take the Freedom Program.

Look at the first to items in this link;
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

It's him. Do take the work if you want it, I think it can only be good for you to get some time outside of home and meet new people. I hope things improve, I would tell him to butt out and stop trying to prevent you from enjoying life. Life is short, we need to make the most of it.

YANBU at all, he however is definitely BU!!

Personally I would be leaving no matter how hard it seems to sort that out. Life can only get better if away from such a controlling miserable sod.

It is much nicer being single you can get on and do what YOU want to do in your spare time and make your own decisions. Bliss!

Patricia, you need to start making plans to leave. He will not improve, and your DD deserves better.

Thanks. I feel as though I have put myself in this situation.
We moved to another country 10 years ago I knew at the time in my heard it was s mistake but it was Dh 'dream'
It's ironic really that 10 years on he regrets the move but I love it.
My family are dead now so no links back to uk.
I hate myself for letting this happen.

As pretty much everyone else has said, he is being totally unreasonable and very controlling. How are you, OP? I would feel utterly suffocated in your situation. Does he ever go out or leave the home? Do you ever get 5 minutes to yourself at home? Are you 'allowed' to do the school run to get you out of house?

I think you are right to be concerned about his influence on your DD, she is at an age where she will soak up attitudes like this like a sponge (if that makes sense). Hope things improve.

So, is there potential eventually to work the full 40 hours at some point but he is trying to dissuade you and only wants you to work minimum hours if at all? Please, correct me if I am wrong. Because it seems that he knows that you will be financially independent and doesn't want it.

Whaaaat?!

He sounds very controlling!! You don't need to justify it in any way at all. You have a right to see your friends, do what you want to do and live your life! You need a serious talk with him asap.

Take the job.

Save some money.

Keep meeting you friend for coffee.

Get some legal advice.

Leave.

green he works out of the country sometimes and if I'm honest I love it when he's gone as thdwhole place feels relaxed, me and Dd have out good when we are hungry and not at set times and it's generally nice. We go for days out and to the pictures.
choc yes there is potential to work up to 40 hrs but contract would only be for 7nrs.
His argument is it would cost me more to get to work than I would earn (mainly due to our location) if only doing 7hrs a week which I can see his point. Plus if he is away and Dd sick or on school hold what then? There's is always a fly in the ointment And I feel trapped