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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people not to tickle my baby?

70 replies

troodiedoo · 08/06/2017 10:01

LO is 11 weeks old. Family members keep poking, prodding and grabbing her, trying to make her laugh. This makes me angry. It's a reflex reaction and doesn't mean she's happy.

I want her to grow up in control of her own body and who touches it.

AIBU?

and how best to tell people this? They will probably be on the defensive when their behaviour is questioned.

OP posts:
teacherlikesapples · 08/06/2017 10:50

You are definitely not being unreasonable, but it seems to be an unpopular view here.
Teaching children about consent & body autonomy is something that starts with treating babies respectfully.
An 11 week old doesn't have the physical ability to move away or the communication to express when they are uncomfortable, and often people aren't even tuned into whether the child actually likes it or not. The laughing response is often an automatic response rather than a sign of genuine pleasure (this happens in a lot of adults to) So often an assumption is made that the child likes it, when it might not be the case.

Babies definitely do indeed thrive on touch and there are plenty of alternatives, so it really isn't like you are depriving them of anything.

BertieBotts · 08/06/2017 10:58

For me this is more important once they are toddlers. I think it's a shame to deprive people of stroking and tickling a baby, their skin is so soft, they thrive on touch, and there are few things more delicious than a baby's giggle.

You can tell when a baby likes being tickled, I know laughing is a reflex action, but it's how they react after the involuntary laughter. Most babies and young children look at you absolutely delighted as if to say "Again!!" It's when children are older that they get into a stage where people will keep going to an unreasonable amount because they find the child's distress amusing or think they are playing a game, and at that point, I totally agree with you. But you're taking a reasonable premise to a level where it's not beneficial and may even be harmful in terms of hindering the baby's relationship with grandparents etc.

AnUtterIdiot · 08/06/2017 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadie9 · 08/06/2017 11:14

I think adults think they have a right in general to tickle, cuddle, kiss, hug or grab a child if they themselves want to. The child is rarely or never asked for their permission.
Used to annoy the hell out of me when visiting MILs where people from the town randomly came 'calling' and these people felt okay about tickling my kids or touching them on the face, asking for a hug etc.
How would any of us like if we were stood in a kitchen and someone we had only just met, strides up close to our face and pinched our cheek between finger and thumb and say 'well how are you Missy aren't you a lovely girl'?

We would call that assault but if you are a child you just stand there and cringe while adults nod their assent.

RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 08/06/2017 11:23

Threads like this make me so sad. Unless they are actually hurting her ( and I'm damn sure she'd let them know) then I think asking them not to touch her is completely unreasonable. Aside from storing up issues for the future for her, take a look at how many threads there on here about mum's who have no family around them, be greatful for yours and don't ostracise them.

JoWithABow · 08/06/2017 11:27

Love the posted who said about tickling babies feet and stammering - fairly confident there is absolutely no truth in that Grin

Original poster
troodiedoo · 08/06/2017 11:49

I fail to see how I'd be giving her issues, other than hopefully having the confidence to tell someone to stop doing something she's not comfortable with.

A lot of those saying I'm bu seem to be implying it's an all or nothing approach.

If I posted saying aibu telling people not to touch my baby bump, pretty sure the majority would be saying how very dare they!

OP posts:
PonderLand · 08/06/2017 12:04

What do you mean by grabbing?
My dad would hold my DS when he was a newborn in the height of summer sooo tightly that when he handed him back to me he'd be all wet with sweat Sad I just asked them to watch out he didn't over heat. I was a bit nervous though as I felt like i'd get branded a pfb mum.

I remember another time my son was 3 weeks old and a friend came to meet him, she kept shaking/jiggling him really vigorously. I never said anything as I wasn't close enough to her but for days after I thought she'd broken him!! My DP was horrified too, we just watched her! Argh!

I don't mind things much now, an old lady in a cafe yesterday kept patting my son on the head when she walked past, if she'd of done that when he was tiny I'd of felt differently. Anyway what I'm saying is that I think it's normal to feel like this about a new baby and if you aren't happy with the way people are with your baby then you can/should ask them to change what they're doing but in a nice way using your inside voice GrinGrin

kali110 · 08/06/2017 12:05

Maybe you should just ask your family members not to touch her at all?

Original poster
troodiedoo · 08/06/2017 12:09

Maybe you should just ask your family members not to touch her at all?

There's that all or nothing approach I mentioned Hmm

OP posts:
ArchieStar · 08/06/2017 12:17

How aggressively are they doing it? As a PP said, you can tell if baby likes it with the response they give after or not. Congratulations btw Smile

StayAChild · 08/06/2017 12:17

Could you pre-empt the poking and prodding by showing them some action that soothes her and that she likes? I'm sure most people only want to make a baby happy. My GC likes being held forward facing and jiggled a bit, so that he can still see Mummy.

MyBreadIsEggy · 08/06/2017 12:17

I think you are being a little unreasonable here.
My DC2 suffers with severe allergies with anaphylactic reactions through ingestion and skin contact with his allergens. I can't put my trust in everyone to either avoid his allergens completely before they visit or observe proper hand hygiene, so I just don't have people touch him. He stays in a sling most of the time, and when I'm in public I have a badge that goes on the sling that says "I Have Contact food allergies, please do not touch me".
Not worth the risk in my case.
I'm assuming your baby is perfectly healthy, so it sounds a little overboard to me Blush

kali110 · 08/06/2017 12:43

MyBreadIsEggy your case i wouldn't think you were being unreasonable in the slightest.
Can't imagine how hard that is for you!

waitforitfdear · 08/06/2017 12:49

MyBread* that must be tough Flowers

Witchend · 08/06/2017 12:49

I don't know about other people's dc but mine at toddler stage would (when tickled) say "stop it, stop it", then as soon as you stopped "again, tickly me again!" In fact ds, who's 9yo, still does that at bedtime if I'm helping him dry and catch a tickly part.

HookandSwan · 08/06/2017 12:54

I worked for a guy (I'm a nanny) who was funny about his baby being tickled because as a child his siblings would hold him down and tickle him and he hated it and he really to this day can't stand to see anyone being tickled.

patronsaintofglocks · 08/06/2017 12:58

YANBU
I would support you entirely in this.

Lasagnabreath · 08/06/2017 21:03

But.. but she hasn't expressed that she is uncomfortable so why are you saying that you want her to be able to express that when she can't?

I had a baby that couldn't be touched for health reasons. It's taken her til about 20 months old to accept and or give a cuddle. Do you know how eartbreaking it is to want to comfort a sick child and them not being able to lay in your arms without getting upset? The fact they like to sleep alone and with no comfort? Babies thrive on touch and even more so as they get older. Don't take the joy of touch away from her, please. You may have issues but she doesn't need them.

Lasagnabreath · 08/06/2017 21:04

That sounds heart breaking eggy I don't know if I will sound silly saying this but will things improve?

Original poster
troodiedoo · 08/06/2017 21:48

I never said I won't allow people to touch her ffs. She has cuddles all day long.

OP posts:
LadySalmakia · 08/06/2017 21:56

There's a massive difference between pleasant, loving touch and poking and prodding. It's not all or nothing and that's not what the op is suggesting - she's uncomfortable with HOW they're touching, not the touching itself.

Siwdmae · 08/06/2017 22:02

Poking and grabbing is not acceptable, she's not an animal in a zoo, God, even there we have notices saying not to poke them!

Is it someone specific?

Original poster
troodiedoo · 08/06/2017 22:20

Exactly she's not a performing seal. It's a few people on both sides of the family. She's very cute and smiley (aren't they all!) So people just want to make her laugh more. I get that. I'm not suggesting it's sinister. Just that I want to make my position clear on it from the start.

OP posts:
silkpyjamasallday · 08/06/2017 22:26

I totally get you OP, some of our relatives wouldn't leave dd alone at first and kept trying to wake her as a newborn and weren't gentle enough for my liking. Don't care if it's PFB. If you're breastfeeding just pretend she's constantly on the boob, don't move or unlatch her when she falls asleep with company and just hold her there, they won't look close enough to see if she's actually feeding. Said relatives find breastfeeding embarrassing so it worked a treat for me.