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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be so annoyed with my best friend?

31 replies

Janos · 19/03/2007 16:04

Don't get wrong, she is a lovely, lovely person, who I love to bits and I don't want to give any other impression

BUT...
yet again, she has cancelled a long distance trip to visit me (she's in the SE, I'm in Scotland) just because her boyfriend can't make it (he has decided to do something else instead). Instead of coming up on her own, she decides she has to cancel everything because she doesn't want to come up without him! This is the second time it's happened in a month.

I end up reassuring her (AGAIN) that I'm not upset (AGAIN) and am OK with it (AGAIN)when actually I'm pretty pissed off! Why is this man, who she's known for 4 months, more important than me, who has been her best friend for nearly 20 years??? AARGH!!

I was really looking forward to seeing her and I just want to scream 'Get a F-ing backbone!'

Am I really being unfair?

OP posts:

fleacircus · 19/03/2007 16:06

You are being completely reasonable, she is being completely thoughtless. I hate friends cancelling on me, it's so rude.

Mumpbump · 19/03/2007 16:06

I go and see friends without dh, but I must admit that I'd rather he came along. Some people are more sensitive to being a single with couples, I guess? But I'd be p*ssed off. I have a friend who didn't come to my birthday (I think) because her other half was going on an overseas trip. How that was relevant to her ability to visit me, I have no idea!!

Original poster

Janos · 19/03/2007 16:08

I can understand that Mumbpbump but I'm not in a couple...it's just me and my DS.

OP posts:

purpleturtle · 19/03/2007 16:08

I think you should let her know that you're upset, though. Reassuring her that you're ok with it, when you're not, is not being honest. And IMO that's not fair in a friendship either.

Mumpbump · 19/03/2007 16:09

Hmm. That doesn't work then!! Why don't you just say that you're rather disappointed that this is the second time she's cancelled in a short period of time and that it might be really nice to see each other without her other half around...

meeeeow · 19/03/2007 16:11

maybe this bloke isnt as nice as she says? maybe its not quite as her getting a backbone? You never know what goes on behind closed doors!
Dont mean to worry you and yes, she is probably fine and just doesnt want to travel without him. Just keep an open mind. x

Original poster

Janos · 19/03/2007 16:14

It's really not that meeeow although I do appreciate where you are coming from. I know my friend too well for that...she always puts the men in her life first, even before herself.

I'm giving a bad account of her, she's a great friend to me and very supportive which is why I tolerate stuff from her that I wouldn't tolerate in offer

OP posts:

izzybiz · 19/03/2007 16:15

I know its no excuse but, you say she has been with this bloke for 4 months, they are still going to be in the bessotted, cant see eachother enough stage!

Tell her you are dissapointed but maybe let her off for a little while longer.

Original poster

Janos · 19/03/2007 16:16

Aargh, I should have said in other people.

Purpleturtle, you are making a very good point. I did say that I was disappointed she couldn't come up but could see why she didn't want to. Maybe that wasn't strong enough but I don't want to have a go - she's having a tough time at the moment.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 19/03/2007 16:19

I'd be really annoyed. Hate it when people can't do anything except in a unit of two.

Babyramone · 19/03/2007 16:30

Not really got any advice but totally understand where your coming from. I had this problem with my mum!!
I'd arrange for her to come over and see me and DS and 9 times out of ten she'd cancel at last minute cause her new partner had decided to do something else. She was constantly letting my wee boy down. Did it on his birthday and at christmas. I no lomger invite her to his birthday.
Like your friend she puts him first.
Agree that your friend's prob in that besotted stage.
I'd let her know how you feel.
Did this with my mum and there was some really messy stuff but once out in open I felt better

Caligula · 19/03/2007 16:32

I hate poofy girls who can't do anything without their boyfriends

But she's probably almost as desperate to introduce him to you, as she is to shag him, so she feels you'll be missing out on meeting him if she comes without him.

Spidermama · 19/03/2007 16:33

I think if you're good friends you ought to be able to let her know you're pissed off otherwise she might be thinking, 'Oh good. Janos doesn't care too much if I come or not.'
Also if she has only been seeing him for four months she'll be at the stage where they're inseperable. Also perhaps she's very keen for you to meet him so wants to wait.

I can understand why you're pissed off but I think you need to let her know. She'll probably take it as a compliment that you want to see her so much.

Original poster

Janos · 19/03/2007 16:38

LOL Caligula and spidermam

I've actually met the boyfriend and he seems to be a genuinely nice bloke, so that's not it.

Just really wish she wouldn't endlessly defer to the men in her life

sigh

OP posts:

Original poster

Janos · 19/03/2007 16:39

"I think if you're good friends you ought to be able to let her know you're pissed off otherwise she might be thinking, 'Oh good. Janos doesn't care too much if I come or not."

Actually I hadn't thought of it that way, spidermama. You're right, I should mention it.

OP posts:

tribpot · 19/03/2007 16:42

Agreed - don't let the resentment fester, you are perfectly justified in feeling annoyed. I've let friends get away with far too much over the years to the point where I just explode and end up destroying the friendship. Perhaps if I had been more open earlier on and said "yes, you cancelling on me when I am going out of my mind stuck at home with a newborn baby does upset me" that wouldn't have happened.

Troutpout · 19/03/2007 16:45

Oh god...i'd much rather see my old time bezzie mates without dh....we can't bitch half as well with him there!

do one of those guilt/jokey jobbies ...'No of course i don't mind...standing up your oldest friend again for no other reason except you can't bear to miss out on a shag'
Sort of jokey ...but i kinda gets the message across without being too serious.

Original poster

Janos · 19/03/2007 18:00

I like it troutpout. Good approach!!

OP posts:

helenhismadwife · 19/03/2007 19:13

they probably are still in the velcroed together stage, wait till they have been together a year or get married she will be coming to see you all the time then

sorry you and your little one have been let down though it is upsetting, I was a bit like this when I met dh, spending all my time with him and my bezzie mate told me so to be honest I hadnt realised and was mortified when she told me.

nightowl · 19/03/2007 19:18

no you're not. ive had lots of friends who have only wanted to know me when they've been single, it makes you feel used and its bloody annoying. i also had one friend who told her bf ALL my business, why i dont know as he hated me anyway,(for no reason other than that we were close), gave him plenty of ammunition to be spiteful to me when they broke up!

workstostaysane · 19/03/2007 19:34

she deeply resents you. she is seething with envy at your dp and family. she wants kids and is angry cos you have them. she can't face you without a man cos you might have a chance to talk and she might let you know how she really feels about you.

just a thought...,

ProfessorGrammaticus · 19/03/2007 19:40

Does she want to share the driving? i wouldn't fancy driving that far on my own

helenhismadwife · 19/03/2007 20:04

professor I was assuming she was flying hadnt thought about driving

MascaraOHara · 19/03/2007 20:08

Why don't you go visit her? has she come to you more times than you have to her? you're right it is a long trip, maybe she's wary of travelling alone.. maybe she really wants you to meet her fella? there could be lots of reasons but you'll never know if you don't speak to her about it...

hoolagirl · 19/03/2007 20:10

To be honest just sounds like she's still in the honeymoon period of her relationship and can't bear to be parted from her bf at the mo.

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