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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my dh not to moan to me about being tired?

48 replies

Whatsername17 · 07/06/2017 08:18

I'm so tired my judgement is probably a bit off here. We have a 20 week old baby. She doesn't sleep well at night and the 4 month sleep regression has me on my knees at the minute. Last night I was up with her 5 times. She did a massive pooplosion which meant I had to change her outfit and grobag, meaning she woke up properly and took ages to settle. I sat in dd2's room dealing with her listening to dh snore 5 times. He's just sent me a message complaining of feeling sick. I replied that I hoped he was OK and he responded that he thinks it is just because he is 'so tired'. Angry I could actually either scream or punch him. Aibu to tell him not to moan to me that he is fucking tired?!!! We transitioned from breastfeeding to bottle feeding a month ago and finally replaced the boob with the bottle at night at the weekend. (I'm anemic and the iron upsets dd2s tummy so that's why we've changed) I am so tempted to tell him he can do all of the night feeds on Friday.

OP posts:
ShotsFired · 07/06/2017 08:24

He is tired, you are tired. You are both tired - maybe differently, but tired is a big word. It's not a competition. I know you feel wretched but based on this one post alone, it sounds like he was just thoughtless and not trying to hurt/offend you. Can you tell him in a way that expresses your feelings but doesn't totally minimise his (as there's not point having a fight about it)?

I hope you get some rest soon too.

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 07/06/2017 08:28

You are right. I just want him to not moan at me about being tired. He is so wussy. He moans constantly and I'm at that point where I keep crying because I'm exhausted. I don't want to hold his hand through his tiredness, especially when I know he had 7 hours sleep last night - I watched him!

OP posts:
HLBug · 07/06/2017 08:32

I know I am also being unreasonable but I am totally with you on this. DD is 7 weeks. DH is sleeping in the spare room (downstairs so can't even hear anything) while I do every feed every night. He then tells me he's tired. FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!

FanaticalFox · 07/06/2017 08:33

As a rule men don't have the same tolerance to tiredness that women do (preparing to be flamed but its true as a generalisation) my husband often says he is tired i just say ME TOO end of conversation. He wouldn't start saying he feels sick etc though as thats probably a bit too woe is me! Just say ME TOO and move on. Forget everything in the house just sleep when your DC sleeps and maybe get him to do a couple of the earlier night feeds?

Believeitornot · 07/06/2017 08:35

I told my dh not to complain about being tired because it was disrespectful and insensitive. I also told him I found him lazy when he fell asleep during the day, leaving me the default parent Hmm

He did stop for a bit. I still have resentment about this a few years later 😬

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 07/06/2017 08:37

It's so frustrating. He couldn't help with night feeds before because of was breastfeeding but he can now. I just feel like getting him to do a whole night might give him an insight into how I feel.

OP posts:
usersos · 07/06/2017 08:39

Why don't you suggest that he does a night or half a night? Work as a team....that's what got us through that shite time

MsHopey · 07/06/2017 08:40

I'm the opposite. I can and do sleep for 12 hours and still feel tired, and tell my husband as such. He sleeps about your hours then has to get up for work. He doesn't make me feel like shit about being tired, nor in 8 years together has he hinted that me telling him how I feel has upset him or filled him with resentment. He's hungry 27 times a day when I'm still full, I don't resent him for that. Different people have different tolerances and just discuss their general feeling and thoughts with partners without expecting to be judged. I doubt he meant anything more than he was tired and it was in no way meant to belittle how much you do and how little sleep you've had.

Vanillaradio · 07/06/2017 08:41

Op this sucks I know. 4-7 months with ds nearly killed me sleepwise. Here's the thing though. He is tired. Yes you are absolutely exhausted because you are doing the hard work at night. And yes he should do the night feeds at least one night at weekend. But competitive tiredness arguments benefit no-one. Try and have a discussion when you feel calmer to agree you both feel tired, you accept he's tired but him complaining to you makes you feel worse. And if you need him to do more, ask. Again, this is really hard and I snapped dh''s head off more than once.
Hold on though, I promise this is a bad patch and won't last forever.

alltalknobaby · 07/06/2017 08:41

What could you actually ask him to do a full night? If he works, maybe at the weekend? I had to leave my DP with DD for a day and a half while I went into hospital. It gave him a much better understanding of how hard I work.

Other than that, I have found the words "it's not a competition" have saved me from many an argument. Perhaps say to your husband that you are also extremely tired and you don't have a lot of sympathy for him as he had a lot more sleep than you did. Ask him to think before he complains to you and leave it at that.

Sympathy! Flowers

OwlinaTree · 07/06/2017 08:41

We've banned the I'm so tired conversions basically, and just take it as a given that we are both tired! I used to get annoyed at him saying I'm so tired, I snapped in the end and said this is adult life, everyone is tired that's why we invented coffee, just get on with it. I don't recommend you say that!

I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask him to do a weekend night so you get a full night's sleep. Sit down and discuss how you can both get some rest to catch up at the weekend.

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 07/06/2017 08:45

The thing is, I don't moan about being tired. He will moan if I fall asleep on the settee though. I don't compete, I'm just fed up of hearing about how tired he is. His moaning brings me down.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 07/06/2017 08:46

As a rule men don't have the same tolerance to tiredness that women do

I don't believe that at all. Same as I don't believe that men just have to pee outside because they're not able to wait until they reach a toilet like women can, or that they need half an hour in the toilet for a pool because they can't push like women can. Or that they just don't see mess so it doesn't occur to them to tidy up.

It is however very convenient for some men to be able to convince people that all these things are true...

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 07/06/2017 08:47

He probably is really tired but ime "normal" tiredness just doesn't begin to compare to the head-wrecking exhaustion of constantly disrupted sleep every night for months. I work and have 2 under 3 so I'm "really tired" but my life is paradise compared to how I was feeling when DC2 was 4 months old.

He should do at least 1 night a week now baby's bottlefed while you stick earplugs in and sleep somewhere else. You'll get a chance to catch up a fraction and he'll understand a little better what you're saving him from the rest of the time.

welshweasel · 07/06/2017 08:48

You're both going to be knackered. I agree, ban all talk of it. He needs to be helping you at night. You should be sharing the load equally now you're bottle feeding. Whether that's a night each or every other wake up or half the night each, decide how it's going to work and stick with it. I'd stopped giving night feeds by this point so we'd do a feed when we went to bed at 11ish then any wakings after that we took in turns. To be honest once we'd stopped giving milk he stopped waking up.

Personally I find being at work after a sleepless night far easier than being at home with a baby so don't feel guilty.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 07/06/2017 08:52

Men can't handle sleep deprivation? If they are so liable to crack if they don't get 8 hours why are they allowed to be surgeons / long distance lorry drivers / pilots / Secretaries of State etc?

PoorYorick · 07/06/2017 08:56

As a rule men don't have the same tolerance to tiredness that women do

What bollocks.

GlitterRollerSkate · 07/06/2017 09:03

Is there any reason why he can not do the night feeds once or twice a week? When we started combination feeding my husband did the night feeds on a Friday and sometimes a Saturday or he'd take the baby for the morning so I could have a lie in. I was usually awake with them downstairs but it just gave me a little break.

The first 6 months are exhausting but it does get better and definitely playing the "I'm more tired than you" game is never going to help. I'm always more tired than my dh but I require more sleep than he does or moan more or his fucking snoring

nannybeach · 07/06/2017 09:04

I worked nights for many years, all the men I worked with could go home, their heads hit the pillow and they were gone, often I couldnt sleep in the day at all sometimes 1 hour, when I worked 4 nights in a row the most I ever managed during the day was 3 hours. It got worse as I got older, I had 4 kids, breast fed so expressed milk for when I was at work. My DH feels and becomes physically ill if he doesnt have 8 hours sleep.I have been told its a hormone difference with women.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2017 09:09

' I am so tempted to tell him he can do all of the night feeds on Friday.'

Tempted? It's his kid, too! 'You'll be doing Friday night feeds.' The end, and then if possible, you leave with DD1. Go stay at a friend's or a hotel if you can manage it.

As for women do tiredness better, bullshit. As pointed out, best not to let men be pilots, soldiers/sailors, long-distance lorry drivers, hospital personnel, police, security, air traffic control, etc. Hmm

LetsSplashMummy · 07/06/2017 09:11

What would you think of someone coming on here and saying "only up 5 times, I was up 20, I'm more tired than you so you have no right to complain." You'd probably think they were a bit petty because you really want people to empathise and say "I agree, it's awful isn't it." That is all your DH wants, he is tired compared to his colleagues and just wants some reassurance that it is hard having a baby. You will have a better time moaning together than being in competition.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2017 09:12

'My DH feels and becomes physically ill if he doesnt have 8 hours sleep.I have been told its a hormone difference with women.'

You've been told total bullshit. I worked nights for years, alongside many women. We all were able to go straight to bed. You have insomnia. There are treatments for these.

LadyRoseate · 07/06/2017 09:12

Agree with Genghis, if tiredness was such a problem for men then they couldn't be junior doctors, air traffic controllers, night shift police etc.

YANBU OP and I don't think it does compare, actually. He may feel tired, in a normal kind of way, but that's a world away from how you feel when you haven't had a night's sleep for months and the patchy bits of sleep you get add up to a couple of hours. It is horrendous and permanently etched on my memory though it was years ago for me.

He's incredibly insensitive not to realise that if he's had 7 hours while you've been up all night, moaning about being tired is something he should avoid. He can feel tired but he shouldn't say it.

He should be doing some night feeds, so you can sleep and also so that he can understand how you feel. And also doing things like caring for the baby all morning at the weekend so you can lie in.

Tell him all this at a time when you're not really riled and can talk about it calmly.

(((hugs))) it is shit, but it will pass.

Coddiwomple · 07/06/2017 09:13

the "I am more tired than you" competition is so pointless and childish. One person being exhausted doesn't make the other one more or less tired. You can go straight into an argument, but what's the point?
One sleeps more, but has to be alert and at work all day. The other sleeps less, but can slob in her pjs all day and rest. How is that helping anyone.

You are both tired, just plan a full night sleep for each at the weekend (you sleep Friday night, he sleeps Saturday night or whatever), you both need to rest.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 07/06/2017 09:14

Although it's a bit immature, I always like to come back at my Dh's "tired" with something far more dramatic.
My favourites are: exhausted, drained, dead on my feet, dog tired and debilitated with fatigue. Wink