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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my dh not to moan to me about being tired?

48 replies

Whatsername17 · 07/06/2017 08:18

I'm so tired my judgement is probably a bit off here. We have a 20 week old baby. She doesn't sleep well at night and the 4 month sleep regression has me on my knees at the minute. Last night I was up with her 5 times. She did a massive pooplosion which meant I had to change her outfit and grobag, meaning she woke up properly and took ages to settle. I sat in dd2's room dealing with her listening to dh snore 5 times. He's just sent me a message complaining of feeling sick. I replied that I hoped he was OK and he responded that he thinks it is just because he is 'so tired'. I could actually either scream or punch him. Aibu to tell him not to moan to me that he is fucking tired?!!! We transitioned from breastfeeding to bottle feeding a month ago and finally replaced the boob with the bottle at night at the weekend. (I'm anemic and the iron upsets dd2s tummy so that's why we've changed) I am so tempted to tell him he can do all of the night feeds on Friday.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/06/2017 09:15

'That is all your DH wants, he is tired compared to his colleagues and just wants some reassurance that it is hard having a baby. '

Where's her reassurance? Why is it a knackered person's job to reassure another adult that their lives are oh-so-hard because they decided to procreate? He slept all night, his colleagues may not have. Jesus wept at so many of these manchildren. My h was working all manner of shifts when our kids were small. Never once moaned about how hard life was, that's being a grownup for ya. Diddums.

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 07/06/2017 09:30

I've asked him not to complain to me about being tired. I said I understood that he is tired, but I'm not the right person to complain to when I've watched him sleep and listened to him snore whilst being up with the baby. I was polite and reasonable. The thing is, we aren't first timers, although dd1 is 6 so clearly we've forgotten. Expat has hit it on the head. I don't want to have to make him feel better because he is tired whilst he completely ignores the fact that I'm putting in a night shift. He also 'volunteered' to take dd1 to her swimming lesson tonight because he can sit and have a cuppa whilst she is in her lesson. I've said I'd sooner take her and he can have some time with dd2 which he reluctantly agreed to. I'm fed up of doing everything baby related. He is taking paternity leave when I go back to work (shared leave) and then going part time after Christmas because he convinced me he felt he missed out on dd1 and wants to be more hands on with dd2. This has a massive impact on us financially and also means I cant go part time as we will need my wage. The trouble is, I think he feels that his responsibility to the baby starts with his paternity leave in August, and before then the baby is my responsibility. He only ever really interacts with the baby when I ask him to take over so that I can cook/clean or spend time with dd1. I'm struggling to see why he wants part time tbh. I thought he would be more hands on but he isn't. He wasn't this crap with dd1.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 07/06/2017 09:32

I know the "who is more tired" argument is pointless and counter-productive but christonabike that never made me want to not have it!

Maybe just hissing through gritted teeth that iuf he mentions one more time that he is tired you'll smother him in the sleep he thinks he's not getting. Should do the trick

Seriously though OP, it's shit. Being sleep deprived is shit. But try and mention how galling is moaning is when you're not feeling quite so frazzled and absolutely tell him he's doing Friday night's feeds.

caffeinestream · 07/06/2017 09:37

As a rule men don't have the same tolerance to tiredness that women do

No, they have exactly the same tolerance, they just get away with it because women enable them to be lazy fuckers.

timeisnotaline · 07/06/2017 17:12

Oh my god - having the conversation is only pointless when you are BOTH balancing it. If you haven't had more than 2 hours sleep in a row for weeks and he gets a full night then he doesn't get to say he's tired. Just shoot him. (Some serious empathy here! Next baby, if my husband tells me 'that 13 hours sleep was really what I needed' when sleeping for 2 hours in a row has been a rare event for me for the past 4 months, I am going to kick him out.)

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 07/06/2017 17:18

Well quite time. It's on a par with complaining that your finger hurts to someone whose arm has fallen off.

Wonderpants · 07/06/2017 17:25

We fostered a new born baby whilst both me and DH were working part time on different days. There is a world of difference between being tired and at home with babies/ children and tired and having to make work decisions and work with the public. Both suck! But we both would have chosen days in which we could have been at home!

Glitterspy · 07/06/2017 20:43

Sympathy. Try not to let competitive tiredness be a thing or it with give you so much range for ever and ever, in my experience (I'm looking at you, DH) they NEVER get the message about how irritating it is to constantly hear snoring all night and then "I'm sooo tiiiired" all day!

TitusAndromedon · 07/06/2017 21:13

It sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with him about his role as a parent. When our twins were four weeks old and my husband went back to work, I started sleeping in the nursery so he could get a full night's sleep. I remember after the first night I heard his alarm go off and expected that he would be in at any time to see if bottles needed to be made or if there was anything he could do. But he snoozed his alarm. HE SNOOZED HIS ALARM. I was astonished that he could indulge in the luxury of snoozing after I'd been up multiple times, and I wasn't very pleased! I mentioned it to him, though, and he never did it again. He also slept in the nursery at least every Friday night, if not Saturday as well, so I could have a full night's sleep, and in the week he would always bring me tea and toast before he left for work. It doesn't seem like this is about competitive tiredness, but rather him demonstrating a general lack of appreciation for the work your doing and the impact it's having on you.

Helloitsme88 · 07/06/2017 21:16

Tiredness has always been at the core of marital arguments. Our son doesn't sleep. Ever. He's 18 months. It will get better OP. Babies test your relationship, but be confident it will all work out in the end. Shift work and scheduled nights worked for us

MissShittyBennet · 07/06/2017 21:19

Why are you the one doing all the night feeds OP, if baby is exclusively formula fed? Will DH be taking over 100% of the night duties when you're back at work and he's on PL?

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 07/06/2017 21:19

Thanks all. Completely marvelling at how anyone survives this stage with twins. Hats off to you!

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 07/06/2017 21:21

The baby has only been exclusively formula fed for 4 days. I was feeding through the night until last weekend when it became clear that I needed to up my iron intake because of my anemia.

OP posts:

MissShittyBennet · 07/06/2017 21:47

Ok. So is the plan for DH to start to share the night time load? And if you and/or he think he shouldn't have to do it because he works, will the same be true when you go back?

Honestly if nothing else he needs to be doing the weekend nights. And that's as a bare minimum.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 07/06/2017 22:22

I imagine he'll find his paternity leave a good deal easier & more enjoyable if he's struck up some sort of working relationship with his child before it starts. Especially with respect to feeding and soothing. Might be worth pointing out?

nannybeach · 14/06/2017 09:00

You are not working a night shift you are getting up to feed a baby, come on.

MyBreadIsEggy · 14/06/2017 09:05

Does my tits in too.
We have a non-sleeping 2yo DD and a co-sleeping 7mo DS.
DH could sleep through a plane taking off next to the house, and is near on impossible to wake.
I haven't had a full nights sleep in 2 years and yet he whinges that he's tired?!
I think I will commit murder the next time he says it

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/06/2017 09:06

August is only 6 weeks away and I think he'll find life a lot easier if he learns how to 'work' his baby in the meantime. Starting with Friday night feeds. I'd also suggest he does something out of the house with the baby on a weekend afternoon so you can rest/or have 1:1 time with DC1, whatever suits you best.

DoubleCarrick · 14/06/2017 09:12

How unfair nannybeach! She's suffering from anaemia which is going to make her feel like crap anyway AND looking after a non sleeping baby.

Whatser, I hope you're ok sweetheart. I'm not sure if this will help but in the early days dh was on shift with Ds until 2am, which we then moved to midnight when dh went back to work. I went to bed at 8 so I had six hours before ds woke at 2am.

Your dh is going to have to pull his socks up. How would he feel/respond if you told him you are disappointed at how little he is doing with the baby?

metspengler · 14/06/2017 10:26

the "I am more tired than you" competition is so pointless and childish.

Agreed. A grown man or woman who wasn't above this game... that would be very unattractive and I would run a mile and did from ex - childish PA power games over every aspect of life = excruciating relationship.

Gennz · 14/06/2017 11:58

It's not pointless to point out the truth. Of course the woman who is doing all the night feeds and has been for 4 months AND HAS FUCKING ANAEMIA is way more exhausted than the twat who didn't get his full 8 hours beauty sleep. FFS.

Sympathies OP. My husband did the same thing. I felt a flash of pure rage/loathing, I'll never forget it. It does get better.

JoshLymanJr · 14/06/2017 12:29

I still have a response stuck in my head to DW complaints of being tired:

"I've been up since 5am, I was up twice bottle feeding DC1 in the night, I've painted the fence the colour YOU wanted it, cooked lunch and dinner, did all the washing up and laundry, fixed up the hutch for YOUR pets, and am now in the middle of bathing DC1. You got a lie in till 10am, weren't up in the night, and all I have heard the ENTIRE F-IN DAY is how tired YOU are!!"

Should have said it but didn't, as it had established a pattern I could have nipped in the bud.

As a rule men don't have the same tolerance to tiredness that women do

...so I don't take that shite seriously for a second.

KallyBox · 14/06/2017 12:58

YANBU to expect him to step up and do some night feeds, and let you sleep in. You are a team and it is his child too.

However, competitive tiredness can destroy couples. Just because you are exhausted, doesn't mean he isn't tired. And he didn't really "complain" about being tired, he just mentioned it. I'd understand your frustration if he was just laying on the sofa doing nothing and going on and on about how tired he is, but he just sent you a text explaining that he felt unwell and that it was probably because he was tired.

YABVU to refer to him as "wussy". What exactly do you mean by that?

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