Porn left in a child's room

[Iris65]

My parents kept a bookcase of lots of types of books in my bedroom when I was a child. I was a voracious reader and had read The Story of O and a series of old fashioned porn books all called 'Confessions of....' by the time I was 12. I also read some pretty nasty horror at around the same time.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and although that behaviour feels wrong; I would never have left stuff like that around my own son for example; I can't gauge how wrong it is.
Can anyone help me out in understanding whether this is abusive or neglectful parenting?

I'm so proud of you for being so level headed after all of that shit.

You are a very strong woman.

To those who say Shades is the same as O. It's not.

It's like saying Dracula and Twilight are the same.

Same main theme and that's it.

I also had a read of the Kama Sutra at aunts house at 10ish. I was very confused.

Whether neglect or abuse is open to debate, but for me it is wrong either way.

I've not commented on whether her parents were right or wrong...just that I think it goes deeper than just reading these books

How insightful.

Op I've noticed on mn there is a tendency to forgive anything so long as it came from a book. I disagree entirely as remember being very upset by certain books that I read as a young girl with an advanced reading age. Without considering any of your subsequent posts, if your parents knowingly put the book on the shelf then yes it's abusive.

I'd like all the posters on this thread to tell me they would honestly hand their 11 year old a copy to read? I think you're wondering why your parents wanted to read it right? Because I do think it's a sort of grooming. Or maybe simply enjoying knowing you were being exposed. Disgusting

pickle Those kind of men are sick and twisted. I still struggle to understand why I kept going back even when he disgusted me at times. It is so strange. Although I do remember believing that no one else would be interested in me. I look back at photos of myself and its obvious that I wasn't the ugly, fat, stupid creature I thought I was! My mother was always obsessed with her weight and constantly talked about being fat and ugly. My sister and I both grew up believing the same about ourselves. It took a long time to get rid of the belief that there fat was one of worst things that a woman could be!

IWill Its only in the context of my son and other children of that age that I recognise it as disgusting. For a very long time I believed that I was seeing things as worse than they really were and taking things more seriously than they should be. My family are great at minimising and dismissing stuff. Although I am confident about identifying some stuff as abusive other stuff I'm not sure of - that's one reason I started this thread.

My family also completely deny some stuff that I know is true. Over the years I have caught them out in some many lies. I know if I mentioned this they would tell me it never happened.

Denial is a strange thing. My mother said something rubbish to me the other day. I put the phone down, sent her a text quoting her and stating it was unacceptable. She responded with flat denial she even said it... I didn't argue back, no point and it would have given her what she was looking for, a fight. Lying about the past and denial is a theme with her too. Trying to work out why all the lies, minimising, dismissal and denial will drive you insane.

I remember getting a photo of the class aged 4/5 - reception year. By that age, I believed I was fat, ugly and hated myself. I thought no one would be interest in me too. Then at 15 a boy liked me, who lots of girls fancied. It didn't last long. I thought he was going to rescue me from my life. I spiralled into depression and the pain never really left until I got some therapy over the last couple of years and I'm 46 with a lovely dd and dh.

Parents can fuck you up so badly. My abuse was different from yours. It was oppression and my parents were totally unaware of carrying it out. I can't say the same for your parents as it sounds as though they made wilful decisions about sex abuse and financial benefit. Have you had any counselling or help irl?

mummyof Its astonishing isn't it how some people will completely deny things that you know are true! I have heard it called gaslighting. Its also so sad that children can become convinced by their parents that there is something terribly wrong with them.
I don't know if a complete recovery is possible. I have had therapy a couple of times - privately for 7 years in one case. I am definately better than I was, but the feelings do come back when I am under a lot of stress or am tired or ill. I do recover farily quickly though and my last psychiatrist described me as incredibly resilient and a 'supercoper'.
The big problem I have right now is that I have lost one of my major protective factors because I have been made redundant. My job gave me an identity and meaning. Feeling rejected and feeling that I have been told that I am useless has brought stuff up again.
On the other hand it was very stressful and a very harsh, bullying culture has developed over the last few years. The pressure was tremendous and I won't miss the incompetence, poor communication and blame culture.
I have always dreamed of being rescued too. It took me a long time to realise that the only person who could rescue me was me. Which is a cliche but true!

Notanother Thank you for saying that you are proud of me. It made me cry because I am not proud of myself right now. I see a lot of failure and mistakes and not much to be proud of.

Sounds like you are suffering from complex post traumatic stress syndrome which can sometimes crop up years after systematic abuse
There are a couple off associations which deal specifically with this type of thing.
NAPAC
the survivors trust
I survive
Asca support
Havoca

In the meantime please please try and be kind to yourself the remembering can be harrowing and destabilising but you can get through this

This is highly inappropriate OP and abusive. As an ex foster carer, I know that they would have discounted us as a FC family, had we been seen to be allowing our 12 yr old son to play violent xbox games. Having the game on display by the tv would have been enough for them to rethink our registration or even unregister us as FC.
Because of this rule of thumb, I'm guessing that sexually explicit material left in child's room would have been seen as damaging, grooming, highly inappropriate and the rest of it.
Give yourself some space while you come to terms with loosing your job, you have coped well until now. Give yourself permission to go NO contact if that's best for you xx

What a horrible man your exH was. Stealing your journals to use against you is one of the lowest forms of betrayal.

It is hellish to be facing the loss of your children, being beaten over the head by the court system. The remembrance of that injustice must be very traumatic for you.

You're resilient and one of life's fighters. Thats good, without it, you'd be living a life similar to your sister, who complied because it was easier. This reminds me of the phrase, which had its basis in religion but I'm not using it in a religious sense, "there for the grace of god go I". The act alone of leaving your family behind and forming a life for yourself rejecting the abuse proves you are a success. This is without all of your achievements. Holding down a job is something, many, who've suffered as you are unable to do. Just remember how amazing you are, how much you are ready to protect and care for yourself and maybe think of this when you're feeling down. And be proud of yourself. You deserve to be.

I understand your loss of identity from losing your job. I do, however, think it is a good thing because it took you away from another bullying environment. Having been conditioned to accept abuse, you did not protect yourself from it when coming face to face with it as an adult. You will find another job. Perhaps not the job. Perhaps you want or need a new and challenging job right now. Or perhaps you need a less challenging one, which help you regroup.

I hear you've had a lot of therapy. You asked a question about whether or not something was abuse, which indicates you still sound confused. Counselling and therapy can be life long. Often we will reach a plateau i.e. as far as we can go for now or have learnt everything possible from the therapist. Even an experienced therapist is only one person. At this stage, we take a break. Perhaps for years. A difficult life event will jolt us into realising we are in further need of therapy to release our pain, which will take us somewhere else in our healing. Your difficult experience at work has perhaps been that jolt.

All I can say is be kind to yourself and take the time you have on your hands to do what you need to do. Perhaps right now you cannot afford or do not want more therapy. Whatever you decide, it will be true to you and your own personal values.

Sorry I forgot you do want counselling. Good luck finding it.

I realise that I would like further therapy. I had started to explore becoming a therapist myself as a career change, but when I think about it what I'm really looking for is more therapy!

I can remember as a child deciding that I wanted to be different to my family although at the time I didn't know anything about the concept of abuse. I worked hard to distance myself but it seemed to me to be more about 'class'.

I think I associated being middle class with being civilised, with being gentle. kind, amd reasonable. That came from my primary school which was a very middle class church school. The catchment area allowed some children from our council estate in if they wanted to go and my parents were always upwardly mobile (like me I guess!) so off we went. There was one teacher in particular who I loved very much. I used to pray that she would take me home and be my mum. She was still the same when I met her as an adult. She even straightened my collar (I was 45!) and told me what a lovely, clever little girl I was. Broke my heart when she died a couple of years ago.

The school itself was riven with snobbery though and that drive to prove myself took me a very long way. Even the school motto was 'Aim ever higher'! Anyway that was one decision my mother made that was a good one!

Thank you for the support and understanding that so many of you have given, although it still makes me cry and feel that I don't really deserve it. That's for me to try and change as I stabilise (again!)