Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In really disliking dh sometimes?

28 replies

ijustcant · 06/06/2017 13:46

I know this has cropped up in other threads recently so sorry to repeat but, Jesus fucking Christ, why can't the bastard just stop doing things that make me dream of running away in the distance and never looking back?

I'll preface this with saying he's not lazy. He does hard, mostly manual labour work for 6 days a week. And I'm lucky that I get to stay home with ds.

But, this morning alone- finished a jar of peanut butter and started a new one, just put the old one back in the cupboard.

Gets a toilet roll out of the package, leaves wrapper on the floor and sits toilet roll on the sink.

Walks past his dirty laundry on the floor at least ten times and when I ask him to pick it up I'm nagging.

Ds does a pee in his potty and he manages to walk past for over an hour without getting rid of it (I just left it to see if he'd actually do it but in the end I did.)

Makes coffee and spills sugar and milk all over the counter and just leaves it.

Leaves every cupboard or drawer he touches wide open.

Refills the dogs water (as asked) and sees the bowl is manky but doesn't bother to wash it.

If I ask he to do something he'll happily do it but I shouldn't have to ask every little simple fucking thing. And it's always done in such a half assed way!

I tell him I find it all disrespectful and he says he doesn't see the mess, I do think he can't actually think about more than one thing at once.

So I'm either tidying up after him which makes me rage or nagging which is horrible for everyone.

How does everyone else cope with partners that having differing levels or tidiness/cleanliness? I also suffer from OCD at times and then it all turns in to a vicious cycle. He blames my OCD for my occasional melt downs but he is a messy bastard.

I love him but honestly think if I'd seen this side of him before we married I'd have thought twice. Sad

OP posts:
ijustcant · 06/06/2017 13:47

And I do know my OCD is really hard to live with at times. For him and ds.

OP posts:
bettytaghetti · 06/06/2017 13:56

You do realise that the abilities to do all these tasks are on the part of the chromosome that would turn a Y into an X? They are scientifically incapable of doing these things! I have 2 teenage DS and they're just as bad as DH. Grrr! My DM (who is about as straight as they come) always said she could understand why women ran away to live in all-women communes. I think I may join her!

TheNaze73 · 06/06/2017 13:59

I think you sound poles apart in terms of expectancies. You'll get people of both sexes, like you however, also like your husband.
He's being unreasonable badging up all your complaints as OCD but, I think you're being unreasonable in expecting everyone to be like you.
Hope you find a middle ground

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 14:02

It's just laziness, isn't it?

It's not hard to pick up after yourself, wipe up your mess and empty your child's potty. But it sounds like he sees childcare and housework etc. as your job while he earns the money?

Would that be a fair assessment of how he sees things?

ijustcant · 06/06/2017 14:03

Betty Grin
*
Naze* we are so different in our expectations of what is acceptable to live in. When I moved in to his house it was revolting. Like two rooms with 3 feet of stuff just chucked in there, cat hair balls included. Barf.

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 14:05

I love him but honestly think if I'd seen this side of him before we married I'd have thought twice.

When I moved in to his house it was revolting. Like two rooms with 3 feet of stuff just chucked in there, cat hair balls included.

So you did know what he was like...Confused

PeaFaceMcgee · 06/06/2017 14:06

That's bollocks Betty - OP - he doesn't do these things because he thinks it's your job. Simple as. I don't have OCD and would be similarly unimpressed.

RatherBeRiding · 06/06/2017 14:07

I would find it VERY hard living with someone so poles apart from myself when it comes to something as day in day out as the state of the house. I feel for you - my ex was a slob incarnate and genuinely didn't see the mess and therefore didn't care about it. One of the reasons he is now an ex.

You need to try to find a middle ground, if you can. But he needs to be on board with it, and he needs to appreciate that your standards are very different and he needs to be prepared to meet you half-way.

Equally this applies to you. Your standards are not his standards, and you must accept that, and decide what level of less than perfect you can live with. Maybe something like the toilet roll and the dog's bowl you can live with, but something like the open cupboards and drawers and spilt sugar/tea/coffee you can't.

Good luck.

Wolfiefan · 06/06/2017 14:07

Don't ask! Allocate chores or responsibilities.
Dirty clothes on the floor? I assume you wash dirty clothes? So don't do it. He will soon remember to put them in the washing hamper.
Pick your battles. Toilet roll on sink. Not the biggest deal in the world really.
You are both going to have to compromise. He can't leave cupboards and drawers open for people to walk into. What are you prepared to stop stressing about?

ijustcant · 06/06/2017 14:14

I don't know that he does see it as my job. Although obviously a larger part is as I'm at home all day. He actually does more than I do in terms of cooking and is jolly and happy to do any housey stuff I ask him to. It's just the constant having to ask!

For instance, the couple of times I've left him to himself to take ds out he ending up going with no shoes, coat, water or snacks (we live in the middle of nowhere so this is an issue.)

I've tried the leave him to it approach but I think we'd end up living in a hovel.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 06/06/2017 14:16

Its nothing to do with him being a man, sexist claptrap. Your post could be written by my DH about me!

ijustcant · 06/06/2017 14:16

And money!! He's SO bad with money, before I took over the bills we'd get our phone, electric cut off constantly.

We were always running out of gas for the cooker or oil for the furnace.

Angry
OP posts:
ijustcant · 06/06/2017 14:18

Caffeine no I didn't. I'd only been to his house once briefly before we got married.

He lived in a different country and we dated in the U.K.

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 14:22

Ah okay, that makes more sense. Sorry to have assumed. This is one of the main reasons I think people should live together before marriage though - you need to know about someone's attitude to housework before you settle down and have a family.

He sounds like a man child, to be honest. Incapable of prioritising bills, messy, happy to live in filth - fine when you're single, but selfish and immature when you're in a relationship imo.

I honestly couldn't be with someone so messy, dirty and disorganised. It's just laziness. He knows you'll do it, so why would he bother?

TheNaze73 · 06/06/2017 14:23

So you moved into his house & knew what he was like? He was ok with it, why did you move in then?

teenytinypontypine · 06/06/2017 14:23

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ saw this today on Facebook and thought that you might find it appropriate

teenytinypontypine · 06/06/2017 14:25

Sorry - cut and paste that directly from a message to a friend - I don't know you so couldn't possibly have been thinking about you OP Grin but the cartoon seems fitting for your issue

MatildaTheCat · 06/06/2017 14:27

My dh isn't as bad but does lots of the things you mention. He sighs when I say anything. I'm very tidy and have simply resigned myself to appreciating his many qualities and ignoring the rest.

It doesn't take long to sort the loo roll etc so I just go in after him and clear up as I go along. It is annoying though so I feel for you. My ds2 was much worse and frankly, life got a lot better when he moved out. I really quite like him now I don't deal with his mess. Smile

DerelictWreck · 06/06/2017 14:36

Welcome to the mental load - google it!

PeaFaceMcgee · 06/06/2017 14:43

I don't know that he does see it as my job

Take for example the kitchen worktop. He didn't clear up the mess, because he 'doesn't see it' / doesn't give a shit.

So he gets to blame you for 'nagging' or being 'OCD' when you (like any reasonable person would) point out that his behaviour is abnormal and disrespectful to you.

He clearly DOES think it's your job as you are the only person who has a problem with it!

He's a pig I'm afraid. I don't know what you can do as he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him!

ijustcant · 06/06/2017 14:43

How can I have never heard of the mental load?!

That cartoon is me. Especially the 2 hours to clear the table.

I realise it may look like I sit on my ass issuing orders but we have farm animals and grow most of our own vegetables so I'm really not sitting around eating cake. Grin

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 06/06/2017 14:44

And yes, feelings of dislike grow and grow. Does he know that? It's not exactly a turn-on, living with a manchild.

ijustcant · 06/06/2017 14:48

A couple of years ago we very nearly had our house repossessed as he'd fallen behind on the mortgage and taxes.

Since I've insisted that his wages go in to a joint account. I know this is controlling and probably makes him feel emasculated but we have ds to think of now and he needs a home and heat!

I feel bad as I'm painting him as a bit of a shit but he's always busy doing something to benefit us. It's not like he's sitting around.

OP posts:
ijustcant · 06/06/2017 14:48

(But he's a frigging slob.)

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 14:53

Good God, he sounds horrendous.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread