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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening court despite being offered access?!

31 replies

roostastyle · 06/06/2017 12:56

The father of my toddler is threatening to apply for joint custody because I have put a child maintenance claim in. He and I have no relationship, were not in a relationship and he has only met the child 3 times. He insisted on a DNA test saying he didn't believe the child was his. Results show the child is his. I've offered access since the child was born which he has turned down all but 3 times, the last of which he said he didn't want to see either of us again hmm. I've struggled financially as long as I could then put in a claim for child maintenance after he ignored my messages asking for financial help. Since then he has been threatening to seek joint custody. He's single, works full time and lives down south. We are in the north. His name isnt on the birth certificate.

Am I right in thinking the most he would be awarded in court is contact centre visits? He's basically a stranger to the child who is under 2. I'd rather he comes to our house to see the child to build a proper relationship. He has shown no interest in the child until the maintenance claim and threatened to seek joint custody as a way to scare me off claiming. His ex girlfriend has also been sending me threatening emails saying they are going to get married and seek joint custody.

I don't want to argue or go to court, I just need him to contribute financially and come to see the child at our home while she is very small. Once a solid relationship has been built we can discuss access at his home, but it would take time for a relationship to form and he would need to prove he has a genuine interest in being the child's father not just playing tit for tat because of the maintenance claim. It seems he is only threatening court trying to scare me from continuing with the maintenance claim, which is a pretty low thing to do.

Anyone know how a judge might see his behaviour given that I'm (still) offering access and he is ignoring me and threatening court? AIBU to want the relationship building to happen at our home since the child is so young and doesn't know him? X

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 06/06/2017 13:02

Standard response from some men when asked to contribute financially or you basically won't do as he tells you.

Just make sure all offers of contact with you present are put in writing to him.

Then let him crack on. He can't possibly have any more contact that he has been offered already if he lives in a different part of the country and the child is so young.

He wouldn't get overnights unless he could prove long term that he is committed to putting in the work with his child, 3 times in 2 years is pathetic.

Ignore him. He would get laughed out of court. If he did throw money at going to court (and I doubt very much he will given that he's desperately trying to not pay for his child) then you can just present copies of emails and show that contact has been offered and he's refused.

thethoughtfox · 06/06/2017 13:07

This would be laughable if it wasn't so distressing for you. They will look at your child's life now and who takes care of him. They may grant some access but never 50/50 for someone who has played no part in his life. This may well just be bluster to a) frighten you into giving up asking for money or b) pretending to his partner that he is a really a good loving father being kept away from his child by a cruel ex and he is doing everything he can. It's not likely he tells people he couldn't be arsed with his child.

Theresnonamesleft · 06/06/2017 13:26

Call his bluff.
Message him back - excellent this way you will have to justify despite being offered regular contact, why you have only been to see xxx 3 times since her birth.

Then let him get on with it and keep the claim going.

gamerchick · 06/06/2017 13:32

They always threaten court. Let him get on with it and don't think too deeply about it for the minute.

Justanothernameonthepage · 06/06/2017 13:32

Have to agree with pp. He's trying it on hoping you'll back down. Keep copies of all correspondence, DNA test results and any costs if you go to court (unlikely to happen). Chances are as soon as he finds out how much it costs he'll stop and be an arse in another way

Zampa · 06/06/2017 13:40

Likelihood is that he's trying it on.

However a court would probably award contact away from your family home, rather than in a contact centre or at your home, so be prepared.

Keep records, be at all times polite and reasonable. Do not waiver from seeking maintenance payments. Continue to offer contact.

Good luck.

Original poster
roostastyle · 06/06/2017 19:55

Thanks for replies. I've sent him another email again offering access, suggesting we work together going forwards and stop animosity. Fingers crossed. I won't have to pay court fees as I'm on income support. But it would be stressful and unnecessary x

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 19:58

I'd leave it then - he's being awful and you're being nice. That's fine for now but it's time to stop. He and his deranged girlfriend should just get on with it - the minute the lawyer tells them how much he/she's charging per minute, he'll get the hell out of there.

Lottie991 · 06/06/2017 20:03

How can he possibly think he will have joint custody if you live in the north and he lives in the south?

PersianCatLady · 06/06/2017 20:16

I don't want to argue or go to court
Family court is not the scary place that everybody thinks it is.

There is no way that he would get joint custody by going to court.

I actually think that a lot of the time it is actually better to get everything sorted out by the courts so that it is done fairly and in the best interest of the child.

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 20:34

Because he's thick, Lottie!!

Original poster
roostastyle · 06/06/2017 20:40

Thanks Blether, I agree x

OP posts:
Original poster
roostastyle · 06/06/2017 20:43

Hi cat lady, I'm not scared of going to court I just think it's unnecessary as I'm offering access and not being unreasonable. I know the court have the child's best interest at heart and as their mum so do I, so it doesn't worry me. It just seems like a scaremongering tactic to avoid paying maintenance x

OP posts:
R2G · 06/06/2017 21:49

He won't go to court. Continue with what you are doing.

gamerchick · 06/06/2017 22:08

He won't go to court. You've emailed now just ignore and press on.

clippityclock · 06/06/2017 22:14

Oh god don't worry about court. He's calling your bluff. Do not engage with his partner at all.

Oh and don't get your hopes up about access as he will not stick to it (if he decides he wants contact) and he certainly would not get joint custody when he has only seen your child a few times.

Don't get drawn into email debates. You've offered contact. Let him go to court but I very much doubt he'd pay the £200ish amount to even lodge the papers.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/06/2017 22:28

What a horrid (and also stupid) scrote!

As others say he'll get a right kicking in court - although it almost certainly won't get to that. He and his equally nasty girlfriend just want to frighten you out of claiming. They aren't the slightest bit interested in 'custody'... or even visiting, it would seem.

Keep all correspondence and be firm and pleasant in replies. Yes you are pleased he is now willing to have contact. You are of course concerned only for DD's welfare, which has always included wanting her to know her dad and play a part in his life. You consider that DD's interests are best served by her being resident with you and having contact with him. As he disagrees, then yes it would be best to go to court. You will be interested indeed to hear his justification for joint residency and how he would plan to make that work given the distance between you. You will also be fascinated to hear his justifications for so far refusing to be a part of DD's life despite your requests, and the reasons for his rather sudden change of heart. You are relieved to hear that he is now keen for contact, as of course that must also mean that he is now keen to support her financially as a father should. You feel relieved to at last be on the same page about maintenance now that he has realised that her welfare is important, and look forward to him doing the right thing with backdated maintenance too.

Once he makes the court application you'll be pleased to set out an ideal structure for him getting to know DD and the necessary slow start to contact. Sadly you will of course have to submit the threatening emails you've received so far from his apparent partner, and will be raising her behaviour as a point of concern when it comes to discussing contact. Perhaps he could look at this correspondence now and prepare a response to it - does he think this is appropriate behaviour? Probably best to cover everything the court will want to discuss in advance! Looking forward to the start of maintenance and a positive future where he makes that petrol-guzzling journey north a lot more frequently! All the best!

:) I'd put money on you hardly seeing him.

PersianCatLady · 07/06/2017 11:27

It just seems like a scaremongering tactic to avoid paying maintenance
Absolutely.

The thing is that if you went to court, the court would see exactly what is going on.

What they would see if you being reasonable and he being a twat and trying to scare you out of chasing him for maintenance.

The courts hate people like this idiot man who waste their time and the mother's time on nonsense.

Original poster
roostastyle · 07/06/2017 11:47

Thanks cat lady that's what I thought but it's reassuring to hear from others too Star x

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 07/06/2017 12:42

Thanks cat lady that's what I thought but it's reassuring to hear from others too
It is awful just how much things like this can make you doubt yourself even when you are doing a GREAT JOB.

Don't let this twat get to you!!

kickarse · 07/06/2017 12:50

Can you see him traveling to your neck of the woods to attend court?

Tell him to crack on with his court threats.

Arsehole he is.

TheFaerieQueene · 07/06/2017 12:55

They are all such unoriginal bastards. Well done OP.

bibliomania · 07/06/2017 13:00

FizzyGreen, I want to hire you to draft all my correspondence in future. That is wonderful.

Good luck OP. I don't think you have much to worry about.

Original poster
roostastyle · 07/06/2017 13:05

Thanks to all for your backing (more women in power needed!) X

OP posts:
MickeyRooney · 07/06/2017 13:25

Hes a funking arsehole.
He's just trying to fuck you up.
Don't worry, stay polite and the courts will hammer him if he's is serious about challenging you.