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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset DH is considering this job?

47 replies

JammyGem · 06/06/2017 12:51

DH and I are recently married. We'd been to visit a city a while ago and fell in love with it, and have been planning to move there. I have a few interviews, as does he, but he's not happy about them as they either pay a lot less than he was hoping for, or they'd be a step down career-wise. We'd still be much better off financially on those salaries, and the way I look at it we need any old job to secure accommodation, and then can look for something better once we actually live there.

DH has applied for and got an interview at a job quite a way away from the city we were planning, and it's a live in position, but only for him. It's the same position as he wanted and pays a lot. He's saying it would be good because I can either still live in the original city and we save up to buy, or we find somewhere in this new town and I can start applying for jobs there.

Thing is, I know it makes sense, but I don't want to start married life by living apart from each other. Not that I would ever move to a new place on my own anyway. And as nice as this other town is, it's not what we had originally planned. I'd fallen in love with the city and am really upset that the plan has changed.

He has a proper career, so his job is more important than mine. He's originally said he wanted to take a step back and move down a position, but now he's saying he doesn't want to do that and so it's harder to find a job for him that pays what he expects. Thing is though, living costs are so much cheaper that wed still be so much better off than we are now that I really don't think it makes much difference.

AIBU to be upset? I had this idea in my head of what we'd be doing and now suddenly the plan has changed. He's not actually got the job yet but he's done a Skype interview and they said they'd just like to meet him in person before they sort out the paperwork, so to me it sounds likely he's going to be offered it.

OP posts:
whatsthecomingoverthehill · 06/06/2017 13:01

Without knowing the full details I'd say in general terms career trumps location (obviously lots of exceptions). I'd love to live in a village in Cornwall but there are no jobs for what I do there.

inlectorecumbit · 06/06/2017 13:03

He has a proper career, so his job is more important than mine. what a pile of garbage. He may have a career and better money but l doubt it is any less "proper" than your job.
I think before this goes any further for you to sit down with him and talk. He has not taken what you want into the equation, it's all about him.
He should not be making important decisions without discussion first.

pamplemoussed · 06/06/2017 13:04

I'd be more concerned about his plan to live apart than not sticking to the new city /lesser job plan. The city will still be there in 3/5/10 years.

Bananamanfan · 06/06/2017 13:04

I'd be upset too, op. His job is not more important. If you need to devote more time for your job to become a career, yiu could argue that your job is more important. Sounds like your dh has not communicated what he wants, he obviously did not want the same thing as you and he should have said. You do not want to live separately & you must be honest with him.

JustGettingStarted · 06/06/2017 13:06

If the job were merely not in your chosen city, I'd say that YWBU.
But the living apart thing is a very valid concern.

Creampastry · 06/06/2017 13:07

Why does he have a proper career???

Also, live in jobs usually pay less......

toffeeboffin · 06/06/2017 13:09

Proper career, bollocks to that.

Not cool that he didn't discuss with you first re: living apart.

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 13:09

Why on earth did he even apply for a job where he'd be expected to live in without you?

Is it a teaching job at a boarding school? I can't think of other career jobs that involve living in.

Greyponcho · 06/06/2017 13:15

Money isn't everything (my vote for not taking the job) but it helps (my vote for not starting a life in a city that is stressful due to possible financial worries).
YANBU to be upset - I don't expect many people would envisage starting married life living apart.

Sounds like he needs to decide what's more important- his relationship with you or his ego when having to take a 'lesser' job

JammyGem · 06/06/2017 13:17

He's a chef. He's looking for head chef jobs and this is one of the few he's found that pay the wage he wanted. It will mean he's working all the time so even if we lived together I wouldn't see him much.

I don't really have a career. The career I want to go into is quite specialised and so I'd need to do another university course - the city we were planning to move to does that course and so that was part of the reason we wanted to go there. He's always been really supportive about it before though.

OP posts:
JammyGem · 06/06/2017 13:18

He's says it's not an ego thing to take a 'lesser' job, he says it'll look bad on his CV when he's applying for Head Chef jobs later on.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 13:20

So if he takes that job and you go off to study your prearranged course, would you ever see each other?

Cafecat · 06/06/2017 13:23

Is the chef job in a hotel or something? How many nights would he need to spend there per week?

indigox · 06/06/2017 13:25

You may not be happy about starting your married life off living apart but he appears to be. That should say enough, he believes his career trumps you.

emsyj37 · 06/06/2017 13:26

Whatever your DH decides, please dont give up your course and your career to follow him. Just dont.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/06/2017 13:26

I don't really have a career. The career I want to go into is quite specialised and so I'd need to do another university course - the city we were planning to move to does that course and so that was part of the reason we wanted to go there. He's always been really supportive about it before though

Then you need to move to that city so you can get a 'proper' career.... funny how he is so supportive until the chips were down then it's all about him and his CV ...

BluePeppers · 06/06/2017 13:31

The issue isnt the job there.
Te issue is that you had a plan on where to go and loive but he is changing the plan and is exciting you to accept it wo a discussion.

Wether you have a career or not doesnt matter in some ways. You will never a career if you are alwys the one who has to give everything up so he came carry on doing what he wants.

You need more talking. Esp on what you are expecting in life and in which direction you want to go.

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 06/06/2017 13:35

Does the chef accommodation not fit two. Could you both live there for a couple of years and do massive saving whilst you train and then you come out qualified and with an instant house deposit in a couple/few years...

JammyGem · 06/06/2017 13:37

Imperial I haven't applied for the course yet- our plan was to both find any job, save up a bit of money so that we wouldn't struggle as much in the year it takes me to do the course.
But yes, we wouldn't see each other at all. In fact, even if he takes the job and I move with him to the same town I wouldn't really see him due to the hours. I knew with his job it would be long hours but this is long even for a chef.

OP posts:
JammyGem · 06/06/2017 13:39

No the accommodation is only for one person.

I've spoken to him about it and he's note admitted that when he originally applied he mistakenly thought the town was just a couple of miles north of the city. He's not so sure about it now he's realised how upset I am. He said he'd still go to see them but is going to concentrate on finding a job in the city.

OP posts:
LookingAfterMeAndMineNow · 06/06/2017 13:40

His job is not more important than his wife. He shouldn't even be considering living away from you.

HerOtherHalf · 06/06/2017 13:44

His job is not more important than his wife. He shouldn't even be considering living away from you.

^This.
Accepting that his job is more important than your job is bad enough, accepting that his job is more important than you or your marriage is not a good basis for a long and happy relationship.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/06/2017 13:48

He wants to take a job where you can't even live with him? That's not good.

Patchouli666 · 06/06/2017 13:49

The only thing this job has going for it then is that it's at the right level position wise. It's NOT in the city you both want to go to and it's NOT living together. I would be fuming if my dh took a job living away from me and on his own. And I've been married 18 years. In the first flush of marriage and happiness god that would have hurt.

TheNaze73 · 06/06/2017 13:50

I think you'll find polarised opinion on this OP.
I used to regularily have to move around European cities for projects & frankly would have chosen work over my partner every time. Some people will be the reverse.

If it bothers you OP & is a dealclincher, put your foot down as the two of your views are ultimately, the only ones that matter