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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset DH is considering this job?

47 replies

JammyGem · 06/06/2017 12:51

DH and I are recently married. We'd been to visit a city a while ago and fell in love with it, and have been planning to move there. I have a few interviews, as does he, but he's not happy about them as they either pay a lot less than he was hoping for, or they'd be a step down career-wise. We'd still be much better off financially on those salaries, and the way I look at it we need any old job to secure accommodation, and then can look for something better once we actually live there.

DH has applied for and got an interview at a job quite a way away from the city we were planning, and it's a live in position, but only for him. It's the same position as he wanted and pays a lot. He's saying it would be good because I can either still live in the original city and we save up to buy, or we find somewhere in this new town and I can start applying for jobs there.

Thing is, I know it makes sense, but I don't want to start married life by living apart from each other. Not that I would ever move to a new place on my own anyway. And as nice as this other town is, it's not what we had originally planned. I'd fallen in love with the city and am really upset that the plan has changed.

He has a proper career, so his job is more important than mine. He's originally said he wanted to take a step back and move down a position, but now he's saying he doesn't want to do that and so it's harder to find a job for him that pays what he expects. Thing is though, living costs are so much cheaper that wed still be so much better off than we are now that I really don't think it makes much difference.

AIBU to be upset? I had this idea in my head of what we'd be doing and now suddenly the plan has changed. He's not actually got the job yet but he's done a Skype interview and they said they'd just like to meet him in person before they sort out the paperwork, so to me it sounds likely he's going to be offered it.

OP posts:
Viserion · 06/06/2017 13:56

I have lived apart from my husband on two occasions in our married life. The first year of marriage and then another 2 years about 5 years later. I never saw it as my husband putting his career ahead of mine, just what we needed to do to at the time. We may well have to do the same again in future.

My uncle weekly commuted for his entire working life. It allowed him to earn enough to support three children through private school and he had a very happy and strong marriage.

Plenty of people do live this lifestyle and it is not about putting their career above their family. You can't generalise that because you wouldn't be happy with living apart that it is automatically the case for everybody.

TheSparrowhawk · 06/06/2017 14:00

So you have to potentially give up on developing a career you want so he can take a job that makes his CV looks better? Even though he could easily get a similar sort of job in the place that you need to be?

IME it is very very common for women to end up compromising their careers for what their male partners want. I did it and I regret it. The underlying message was always that his career was more important than mine, despite the fact that we started out on exactly the same level and I was actually doing better than he was. I don't know what I was thinking. I've turned things around now but it's been a slog.

You are not less important than he is.

Coddiwomple · 06/06/2017 14:04

You need to talk with him. I hate these posters stating that it's all wrong. It really depends on individuals. Many couples have to live apart because of work, and whilst it's not always ideal, it's not a deal breaker at all, depending on the job it's a given. It's not unreasonable for someone to consider a job and be away during the week.

If it's wrong for you, you really need to talk and explain. It doesn't matter what other people think, it's about you and him.
I agree with your DH that's it's better to have the right CV, especially when you are young and that the right job will open many doors later, or at least give you choice. You can always slow down later. It's not about chosing career over family, it's not that simple. Again, that's not really relevant, it's about your couple.

Of course you are not BU to be upset, you both have to decide what your priorities are.

Loopytiles · 06/06/2017 14:10

This job he's applied for doesn't sound compatible with work/life balance for a newlywed! Very hurtful that he applied for a live-in job.

Has he changed his mind about wanting to move to the city you still like? He'a not U if so, any more than you are for wishing to move there.

It'd make most sense IMO to move somewhere with good work/pay (relative to living costs)/study opportunities for both of you. More important that which places seem the nicest IMO.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2017 14:12

I think the deal is to go to the place where you can study if that was what has been decided. As for whether he takes the job short term, that's something you'd have to decide as a couple. I wouldn't like it personally. But will it get you to the place you both want to be faster than hanging on for something more suitable? And if so, is it worth the sacrifice?

JoJoSM2 · 06/06/2017 14:13

It sounds like as a chef, he will get plenty of opportunities in the city that both of you have been aiming for. Perhaps you just need to spell it out and put your foot down and explain that it's very important to you that you start your married life living together.

Kokusai · 06/06/2017 14:15

Don't confine yourself to a life time of being a second class citizen subservient to your DH's better job. Spend some time now investing in your future.

lalalala578 · 06/06/2017 14:15

My husband has worked away Monday to Friday for 16 years (we have been together nearly 11). Obviously he did this job before I met him so I couldn't really ask him to give it up. Do you have children x

diddl · 06/06/2017 14:16

I can't imagine being so desperate to live in a particular place that I'd take "any old job" tbh.

Perhaps the same applies for your husband if he is looking for the career move that he wants rather than location?

Presumably the course you want to do isn't available anywhere near the head chef job?

Would being apart for a year be so awful?

That said, I can see how hurtful it must be.

Booksandcrocheting · 06/06/2017 14:21

I agree with mummyoflittledragon. If he does do this job, which pays more and is live in, surely the extra money could let you start your course earlier than planned. There should be advantages for you as well as him if he insists on taking this job. In your shoes I would be gutted as well OP. The chef/catering world does seem pretty brutal in terms of long anti-social hours.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/06/2017 14:23

His job isn't, and will NEVER be, more important than yours.

Don't go down that road. Don't even think it.

Bad way to start off.

confusedat23 · 06/06/2017 14:23

The thing I would be questioning OP is that OK say you go along with this... You stay where you are and he moves to earn this amazing wage etc. You get to the point where you have a massive deposit for your house and you are about to buy in your dream city. Is he then going to be able to change to a job that pays less/is a step down then?

Because if you do get to that point I can almost guarentee the answer to that question will be No.

heron98 · 06/06/2017 14:27

Does he get weekends off? DP and I have busy lives and I barely see him during the week (even though we live together) so I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world if he worked away. But it would be really shit if it was all the time.

P1nkP0ppy · 06/06/2017 14:30

He's a selfish git, what on earth does he think he's doing?
A) taking a job without discussion with you
B) it won't have accommodation for you both - just wth does he think you'll live?
C) he's ridden rough shod over your suggestions /career aspirations
D) he clearly isn't being supportive of your career
E) it really doesn't bode well for a new marriage at all.

SurlyValentine · 06/06/2017 14:45

heron98 asked Does he get weekends off? I can almost guarantee you that he doesn't. Chefs are more likely to get Monday off than a weekend day, but even that isn't a given.

As a newlywed myself, I would be gutted if my husband decided this was the new plan. Not so much at the plan itself (if it's bearable to you and he could guarantee the timescale), but at the absolute unequivocality of it (if that's even a word!). He has totally changed the goalposts and expects you to fit in. If it doesn't suit you, OP, then refuse to fit in.

Coddiwomple · 06/06/2017 14:53

His job isn't, and will NEVER be, more important than yours.

bollocks, it completely depends on circumstances.
When I was working full time whilst my DH was finishing his degree and earning peanuts here and there, my job was more important, because it was paying the bills. When I was on maternity leave, my DH job was a lot more important than mine, because it was paying the mortgage (and everything else).

In a couple, you do have to compromise.

JammyGem · 06/06/2017 15:38

It would be working 6 days a week. Mind you, his old job before we met was "6 days a week" and he ended up working 4 months non stop without a day off because of the poor management. I'm worried that'll happen again.

We've spoken and he understands my concerns. He's embarrassed that he made a mistake in not looking where the town was before applying, and has just applied for a couple more jobs in the city, and is going to concentrate his efforts there.

OP posts:
JammyGem · 06/06/2017 15:41

And no, hasn't changed his mind about the city but was just frustrated with the pay difference to here down south. But we went through the finances and even with the pay cut we'd still be able to save around £700 month, compared to the living hand-to-mouth as we do at the moment.

OP posts:
JammyGem · 06/06/2017 15:45

He's told me he's happy to take a step down in the career ladder to Sous Chef, but the one of the jobs he has an interview for in the city is a Chef De Partie, which would be two steps down. I did ask why the hell he applied for it in the first place then, but he couldn't give me an answer beyond a sheepish shrug Grin

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 06/06/2017 15:53

Has he mentioned to them that he's married? If they did really want him then they might come to an arrangement that involves you.

lazyarse123 · 06/06/2017 17:04

It's difficult as one of you is going to have to compromise. If you get your way then that is not fair to him. You need a proper conversation, but I do think he is being thoughtless rather than selfish. Good luck, hope you get what you want.

araiwa · 06/06/2017 17:07

he seems to have made a geographical error which he has admitted. now hes applying for jobs in the city you want to move to

i like happy endings

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