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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Changing my plans to have kids whilst ex goes on holiday

60 replies

Sharpasknives · 06/06/2017 09:41

Just that really. We are on fairly good terms, I am taking the kids away for 2 weeks in a August. He wants to go away in September for a week with his g/f. But wants me to have them on his weekend so he can fly Saturday to saturday,, rather than Monday to Monday , which wouldn't affect the kids childcare at all. He's adamant that there are no flights for their chosen destination on any other day than the Saturday.
Now, I wouldn't mind having them but I have plans for that weekend, which would mean me cancelling them, to have the kids.
AIBU to think - he's had 2 child free weeks to take a holiday, and surely he could change his destination to somewhere that flies on the sunday as its only Saturday night I have plans.
Opinions please

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 06/06/2017 10:56

How far away is the wedding?
Can they go with you and stay in the hotel room? Make a weekend of it?
How close is your relationship to the people who are getting married?
Have you no family who can help?
I can't imagine it would be too difficult to look after a 12&13 year old.

CountryCaterpillar · 06/06/2017 10:57

I think it's reasonable to have your own children while ex takes a holiday. Is having them 3 weekends in a row really a problem?

Surely at 12/13 they've got friends they could have a sleepover with. Or you have time to use a babysitter service and use them in advance as a practice run/get the kods used to it.

summerlovinggirl · 06/06/2017 11:01

I will have to forfeit my child free weekend, which means I will have them 3 weekends in the row

How awful for you.

This ^

Farahilda · 06/06/2017 11:02

You've got until September to find an acceptable babysitter or arrange sleepovers.

I'd agree and bank the favour

chickenjalfrezi · 06/06/2017 11:04

Agree with all the PP - I have my DD 50:50 and always jump at the chance to have her more. It's only an evening do and if you want to go then there are plenty of solutions you are not willing to entertain so YABU.

unfortunateevents · 06/06/2017 11:04

So if the wedding was on your weekend you wouldn't go as you won't ever leave them alone and don't leave them with anyone when it is your weekend? Obviously not a big deal to miss it then. For the age of your children, you sound way too rigid in your arrangements and they are going to come spectacularly unstuck in a few years when your kids have their own plans and and need to change weekends around to suit themselves.

YABU to expect your ex to take a holiday in peak school time (Aug) when he obviously doesn't need to. And also unreasonable to expect him to only find a destination to which he can fly on a Monday. I hope your children don't pick up on what an inconvenience their requirements are to everybody's set-in-stone holiday and weekend plans.

BeepBeepMOVE · 06/06/2017 11:05

You sound like a bit of a martyr. They are 12 and 13 not 2 and 3! Leave them on their own or send them to a mates for a sleepover.

JuicyStrawberry · 06/06/2017 11:05

I will have to forfeit my child free weekend, which means I will have them 3 weeks in the row

And? You're their parent. There will come a time were he might have them 3 weekends in a row. So what.
I just don't get this sense of entitlement to child free weekends once you become a single parent.

DomJolyNurse · 06/06/2017 11:07

I think you should let him go ahead, be helpful. He then can owe you one if you need to swap a weekend.

If you really want to make an evening wedding reception in Sept, there will be a way. Whether it is a sleepover at friend or relatives or visit grandparents or neighbour or friend babysitting in your house for the evening.

If you have no-one to ask then you really need to be building up a network of people! You can use your child free weekends to do someone a similar favour.

Kokusai · 06/06/2017 11:10

I get it is annoying for you to have to sort this out - but if you have a generally good relationship then get a babysitter (ask ex to pay if it bothers you that much) or arrange for them both to sleep over at friends and return the favor another time.

This is NOT a big deal. And it is months away. Honestly how do people cope with real problems.

Nancy91 · 06/06/2017 11:14

Don't you have any friends that could look after them? Or any relatives? Or friends they could stay with?

If the wedding fell on your weekend you wouldn't have gone because you won't leave them at night. So you clearly don't want to go that much anyway. I personally think they are old enough to be trusted for one evening if you're coming back afterwards.

You are clearly trying to ruin you ex's holiday. Sorry but it's obvious. You should be happy to get more time with your kids.

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 11:14

Surely 12 and 13yo's can be left alone for an evening? Or just get a sitter/neighbour/relative to sit with them until you get back. I don't see the issue, personally.

Lots of places only have flights 2-3 times weekly, so depending on when he's booked annual leave, he might only be able to go for the Saturday flight. That's pretty normal.

I get it's a bit frustrating, but you lost a lot of my sympathy when you said I will have to forfeit my child free weekend, which means I will have them 3 weeks in the row

Boohoo.

Curiousmum69 · 06/06/2017 11:17

you do sound rather ridiculous, can you swap the weekend so he has them for 2 in a row before he goes? and then you have them the 2 weekends he is away,

12 and 13 hardly need any looking after. I think the next few years may be a huge shock for you, as it's unlikely they are going to want to continue such a rigid routine.

picklemepopcorn · 06/06/2017 11:18

Is that the only unmissable event you have on? I think I'd say I can't have them that weekend because of a prior arrangement, but will change any other one.

unfortunateevents · 06/06/2017 11:22

What is happening to your ex's weekend with the children when you are away in Aug for two weeks? Have you arranged the holiday to make sure it doesn't interfere with "his weekend?

sparechange · 06/06/2017 11:22

AIBU to think - he's had 2 child free weeks to take a holiday, and surely he could change his destination to somewhere that flies on the sunday as its only Saturday night I have plans.

YABU to expect them to go on holiday in the most expensive month of the year just to suit your holiday plans, and YABU to expect them to pick a destination just so you don't have to spend time with your children for 3 weekends in a row

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 06/06/2017 11:28

Why can't you get a babysitter or arrange for them to have sleepovers? Is there something standing in your way? I want to go out I need to arrange a babysitter. It's fairly standard parenting.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 06/06/2017 11:28

Oh no! I can't believe you are being forced to have your own children for 3 weekends in a row. What a huge inconvenience for you.

Let's hope they don't realise how much of an inconvenience they present in your life. I'm sure that won't leave them with issues at all.

glintwithpersperation · 06/06/2017 11:28

Why can't they go for a sleepover?

inlectorecumbit · 06/06/2017 11:33

I would put it back onto him.
Explain that you have a commitment on the Saturday evening which you can't cancel and see what he comes up with. See if he can sort out some childcare on his weekend.

minisoksmakehardwork · 06/06/2017 11:34

Good grief! You are giving eow parents a bad name here. There are plenty of options at 12 & 13 years old, or even older or younger. You are choosing not to use those options.

So yes, it's ok to say 'I have plans that weekend so cannot have the children'.

Let him make alternative arrangements for the children on the day he wants to travel and if you are so minded, collect them the following day.

Ask the dc's friends parents if they would be able to help you out with a sleepover that night.

Find a babysitter.

At 12 & 13, additional needs aside, I'd be inclined to leave them home with emergency contact numbers and maybe ask a neighbour to pop in on them.

TempusEedjit · 06/06/2017 11:40

Dh and I are going on holiday Sat-Sat in September because the flight times for the Mon-Mon for the various countries we looked at are at stupid o' clock and it also means that DH would have to take an extra day's annual leave which leaves him one less day to spend it with his DC during half term or whenever.

I think if you have a generally good relationship with your ex you should try to keep it that way, especially as you've pretty much said that if the wedding reception had fallen on "your" weekend you wouldn't have gone.

monkeywithacowface · 06/06/2017 11:42

Agree to swap but tell him it's only on the proviso that he makes childcare arrangements for the saturday night, I don't see why you should miss a wedding because he wants to book a holiday. I find it hard to believe that between the two of you you can't find anyone at all?

worridmum · 06/06/2017 11:44

If you become awkward be prepared for him to be the same....

Dishwashersaurous · 06/06/2017 11:44

Just get a babysitter and do not stay overnight at the wedding

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