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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop silencing other women's voices !!

51 replies

HattiesBackpack · 05/06/2017 22:53

I his isn't even an aibu, and its a thread about loads of other threads and I'm not bothered about mumsnet etiquette tonight because honestly this is really starting to hack me off!

The past few days have seen a real increase in posters trying to shout down other posters and belittle them and their lifestyle choices because they don't agree with them, and this really hacks me off.

(And I've been guilty of it too so this is to me as well)

Surely Feminism is about supporting other women's choices- even if you don't agree with those choices it doesn't make them any less valid.

So stop trying silence other women and listen to what they've got to say! It might be different to how you think but it will still be interesting and just as valid.

That's it really. I feel a bit better now I've written that!

OP posts:
statetrooperstacey · 05/06/2017 22:56

High five Smile
Just plain rude half the time for no good reason.

stella23 · 05/06/2017 22:56

Surely Feminism is about supporting other women's choices or it's about having an opinion and being free to voice that opinion whether it's different or the same

metspengler · 05/06/2017 23:03

You know who I see telling women we don't know our own minds the most?

Feminists. It's like they see themselves as a drop-in replacement for victorian men.

Although probably I'm just saying that because of internalised misogyny without realizing.

NellieFiveBellies · 05/06/2017 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HattiesBackpack · 05/06/2017 23:17

Thank you all for replying, and all interesting points, I love how people come at things from different angles helps me see things I might not have thought of!
Sorry my eldest is up with a nightmare so Im just settling him and will be back

OP posts:
finnthepink · 05/06/2017 23:18

Yes lots of rudeness lately. Very unpleasant.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/06/2017 23:19

I don't have to support other women's choices, especially ones I don't agree with.

I absolutely believe that as long as it's legal, they can do what the fuck they want.

But it doesn't mean I have to support them.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 05/06/2017 23:22

*You know who I see telling women we don't know our own minds the most?

Feminists. It's like they see themselves as a drop-in replacement for victorian men.*

This!!!

I was on a thread a few weeks ago and stated that I do not identify as a feminist and listed my reasons. No one cared. I was just shouted down and abused. It was horrible.

ScarlettFreestone · 05/06/2017 23:23

I'm not sure if this is a taat but supporting other women doesn't necessarily mean patting them on the head and saying "your bubz your rulz hon"

I always try to be polite but if you post asking for views/advice on MN you have to expect a more blunt response than you'd get IRL.

ittooshallpass · 05/06/2017 23:24

I have noticed a lot of aggression on mumsnet lately. It used to a haven... a safe place to talk. Not so much now. Funnily enough I just followed a link to the Muslim women's thread on here; how differently they talk to one another. Lots of support and respect. Very calm...

SuperPug · 05/06/2017 23:26

Agreed.
I'm happy to disagree with an OP and comment if they're rude. A lot of threads on here encourage some really good debate. But it's possible to disagree without being nasty.

totallywingingit · 05/06/2017 23:30

I've been off here for a few years but going through a rough patch atm and thought I'd come back on for some hand holding/support.

Mostly in fairness users are supportive and great but there are a minority of some very rude bordering on horrible users. The good ones well outweigh the bad though Smile

Hope your DCs nightmare wasn't a bad one OP

Muggins68 · 05/06/2017 23:38

Yes lots of aggression and swearing at people with different views.
It makes you think twice about posting because you know certain people are going to be verbally abusive. We should be able to discuss something without resorting to that. Just look at how people are insulting and swearing at the op on the thread about building houses as one example

Original poster
HattiesBackpack · 06/06/2017 09:47

Morning all! Thanks for sticking with this after I left (shouldn't have let DS watch Doctor Who before bedtime yesterday!!)
Thank you for replying on this, I'm glad to see it's not just me that's thinking this!
There's been a few threads I've left because they've veered off into posters just ranting at those they disagree with (sometimes I want to post Bore Off when they do this but would that make me as bad?!)

The aggression does seem to have ramped up as we've neared the election, even on non political threads, I noticed this during the referendum too so hopefully normal service will resume soon!

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/06/2017 09:53

It's not nice to shout people down. But I don't think it's to do with feminism.

Surely Feminism is about supporting other women's choices- even if you don't agree with those choices it doesn't make them any less valid.

I don't personally agree with this (and it'd be silencing other women to insist your definition of feminism is better than theirs). I think feminism is about recognising women don't have equality, and believing this is wrong and should change. So no, I don't believe all choices are equally valid, just because they're made by women. If a woman chooses to go on a murder spree, it's still wrong. If she chooses to have her daughter mutilated through FGM, it's still wrong.

I'm not too fussed what other women choose to do in a reasonably permissive society, and I'm not about to get up in arms about (say) women who feel that they're ugly if they don't wear makeup. But I also don't think that belief is as valid as my own belief, which is that you should wear whatever the heck you please.

I think it is frankly ridiculous to expect everyone should smile and agree with everyone else's views, or pretend we all think each other's views are equally valid. We're adults. We're entitled to disagree and to be principled about it.

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/06/2017 09:56

My husband told a female partner of his at work that I had turned down partnership at the firm I worked at because (in my own words) "I couldn't be arsed with all the crap that came with it"! I was happy doing my caseload and marketing but didn't want to sort out petty squabbles between staff and office politics. I was happy being able to go home to watch my son play sports and go to school plays.

Apparently that was me letting down the sisterhood and preventing women getting into partnership positions. Not sure how that works - she is a partner, I was offered partnership and chose not to take ie, leaving a vacancy for another person who would be offered the position on their own merit - maybe another woman but maybe not!

I am a strong woman making my own choices because I can!

Original poster
HattiesBackpack · 06/06/2017 10:15

LRD and it'd be silencing other women to insist your definition of feminism is better than theirs this is a fair point, all of our definitions of what feminism is are valid.
I am a believer in 'wear what the heck you like' and I actually find it a real shame that women have to wear make up etc to feel good, body/looks shaming is one of my biggest hates, but I also think that if it makes you happy to dress up and wear make up then go for it, I don't think any less of women who do. I also support women who choose to cover their hair, i wouldn't do it, but i don't think less of women who do.

allthebestnames thank you for sharing that, I know exactly where you are coming from, I chose to be a SAHM and about a year ago i had a bit of a wobble and when I was talking it through with DH I realised that it was other women's attitudes that had made me feel bad. We should be encouraging each other to whatever feels right for everyone's own circumstances.

OP posts:
Ev1lEdna · 06/06/2017 10:24

You know who I see telling women we don't know our own minds the most? Feminists. It's like they see themselves as a drop-in replacement for victorian men.

Speaking of rudeness ...

NeoNeoClassical · 06/06/2017 10:26

Surely Feminism is about supporting other women's choices- even if you don't agree with those choices

No. Why should I support someone just because they're a woman?

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/06/2017 10:30

HattiesBackpack you'll be even more relieved that after DS2 I too chose to be a SAHM. Indeed it wasn't just my decision - I did so with the support - financial and moral - of my DH.

waitforitfdear · 06/06/2017 10:30

Well yes and no op.

Aibu is a rough area of mumsnet but if things go up far you can report. Personally I love a good old debate and probably have overstepped the line sometimes but would millions rather have that than the net mums 'huns' that would drive me nuts.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/06/2017 10:30

Funnily enough I just followed a link to the Muslim women's thread on here; how differently they talk to one another.

Why are you othering? How are you to know if anyone of us on this thread, on AIBU or Chat or whatever are muslim? Do you honestly think all the muslim women on MN stick specifically to a 'Muslim' corner?

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/06/2017 10:32

NeoNeo you don't have to support the actual choice - just the fact that they have the right to make their own choice. That is the point OP is making.

waitforitfdear · 06/06/2017 10:32

Regards feminism I support equal rights and oppertunities for all and as a sahm now I really couldn't give a bollock what other women or men think. My family my choice.

Surprised anyone would care about another persons choice that way.

Morphene · 06/06/2017 10:34

feminism is about increasing the choices and options for women, but not all choices we make right here and now are going to help with that agenda.

I absolutely believe that twerking naked for cash is something women should be able to do if they want to, but right now, engaging in that is hindering the ability of other women to make choices like becoming an engineer.

So while I want the option of twerking for cash available to women, I would rather they didn't engage in it right now while female applicants to STEM subjects are so pitifully low.

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