AIBU to insist on this?

[ElleDubloo]

We've been married 4 years and have a toddler and a baby. DH has always had a busy job, but just before we got engaged he moved companies and promised that his work-life balance would improve. After his job move, he continued to be busy and I considered calling off the engagement, but he promised he was only trying to make a good impression in his new company. But things never improved since.

I also have a career but I'm on mat leave at the moment. He leaves the house at a normal time but doesn't come home until 8 pm on good days, works till midnight regularly, and does all-nighters when things are really bad. This leaves me alone with the small children. I feel like a single parent sometimes, with the added workload of having to look after an exhausted OH at weekends. He spends every weekend/AL recovering from colds and sleeping in and wanting to rest instead of going out. Sometimes he works on weekends too. I'm so exhausted I want to cry all the time.

I'm worried that:

1. Our kids will be messed up due to lack of parental attention. We'll literally never eat dinner as a family on weekdays.
2. To make up for his absence, I'll have to compromise on my career (which, although is paid significantly less than his, has great potential for future development, and I love it).
3. We'll miss out on our youth, and he'll die young of something stress-related.

I've spoken to him about this so many times I feel like a broken record. He recognises that he works too hard, its bad for his health, bad for me and our family, and that it's simply unnecessary to work so much harder than even his own colleagues. And he's spoken about changing jobs or taking it easy, but doesn't truly want to. In short, he's a workaholic, and I don't want to live like this. But I don't want to leave him because I love him.

Any other ideas?

First of all, is he actually working all those hours?

Yes, please let's assume that he is.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time; those early years are hard enough, but without much help they are more so.

It sounds like you have a number of things going on here. Your husband clearly loves him job and gets a great deal of satisfaction from it (hence the hours he does). But he is also now a husband and father and is seems that he isn't prioritising that. So is it because he doesn't want to be an involved father and a thoughtful, caring husband, or is it that he doesn't know how to have a balance between work and family.

I would suggest that couples counselling would help. Make it non-negotiable otherwise he may not go.

In the meantime, if you can, get some help at home - cleaner, babysitter - whatever you need and can afford and get some down time for yourself. Speak to him clearly about what you need from him and tell him things have to change or he'll be a single Dad.

Good luck

You have very valid concerns. I'd go further than what you have said and that his habitually being away is going to cause your marriage to break down. I agree, there are very few industries that would require this level of work.

Frankly, it takes 2 to tango, and he was a willing participant in creating these children. He needs to step up and be a parent to them.

I think you need to give tangeable requests. Tell him he needs to be home at 6:30 at least 3 nights a week. Don't buy his excuses. That is such a reasonable request for someone who works office hours. What is your plan after maternity leave? Say that you need to start getting in the routine. Don't talk vaguely that he needs to be home more. Give specific requests, and have strong follow through if he misses it. I also think you need to stop allowing him to have a lie in or working on the weekend. Make plans and leave the house. He needs to watch his children.

Have you tried counselling? You need to tell yourself that he is CHOOSING his job over your family. And that is not OK. He does it because you allow it.

After mat leave I'll be going back to work part-time, which slows down my career progression significantly, but I'm willing to do it until the kids are more independent.

I feel so miserable. We do love each other and don't want to separate. Couples counselling sounds wonderful but we have no time!!! (and we'll need to leave the kids with someone to attend)

I hate to say it, but marriage and children rarely make someone a 'better person' but in reality just exacerbate who they really are. Your husband was a workoholic before, so marriage and children aren't going to change his behaviour.

His behaviour is ridiculous. What is his excuse when you say you want him home more?

Zoe, his excuse is always "I have to get this document out" or "I have a meeting at stupid o'clock and need to work on some more things after" - it's all very specific, and it feels like he's the victim and has all this work thrust upon him. He says in general terms he doesn't want to work this hard, but he does want to do a good job.

I do understand that finding time is always difficult, but you need to make time and so does he. If you don't you'll end up a single parent and he'll be paying a lot of money in maintenance. Booking a babysitter for an afternoon a week for eight weeks is surely cheaper. Find a good agency, or ask around with friends, toddler groups, nannies to find someone you can trust with your children. I found our babysitter at church, but that may not work for you.

I also think you need to be brutal with him and lay it out in black and white. Either we do this or the future is bleak. You can find the strength to fight for your children and their future, I'm sure.

Does those long hours come with a giant salary?

Get a nanny/cleaner/gardener/gym and spa membership - which of these would make your life better?

If it doesn't come with a giant salary what's the point?

OP, I think we're married to the same person. I'm pregnant with accidental #4 and my others are all preschoolers. Luckily I kept my job this whole time working from home which as allowed me to pay for a full time nanny, I think I'd resent the hell out of the situation otherwise.

I try to come to terms with it as much as possible. It's very hard on him but he's caught doing work that is relentless and he would prefer to be with us on weekends instead of always working at technically difficult things. But his personality is never to fail at anything so he won't drop the ball.

I have hope that as the years pass he will become senior enough to turn down work and also to move away from the badly paid work that suck up all his time and emotional energy. In the meantime, I will continue to try and build our lives as best as possible, building in as much support as possible to cover the shortfall from him being too busy to do his share. As the kids get older, I think I will be fine about it as we can do stuff together rather than the hell of too many preschoolers to take anywhere without immense stress.

So time will change things for me if not for him.

But I understand your situation very well.

If it doesn't come with a giant salary what's the point?

Even if it does come with a giant salary, the question of 'what's the point' is still valid. What's the use of wads of cash if you don't have time to enjoy it?

Does he want to change? I know you say you love him, but he isn't really showing that he loves nor respects you.

Well, I think you need to confront him about his work addiction and let him know that he is on thin ice. Say that if he cannot handle work-life balance, he needs to find a job where he can manage. If that means a pay cut, so be it.

Have you tried to set up tangible goals? How do other people in his office manage? Trial it for a month where he needs to be home at 6:00 on the dot, 3 days a week, for a month. Every time he misses it, tell him that is a whole weekend day that you will be out from 9am- 9pm. Go out and get a massage, get your hair done, but you need to stop picking up his slack.

Frankly, I think he does it because there are no consequences to his actions. If he habitually does this, and is made of excuses, I would be one step away from dropping the kids off at his office at 6pm every evening and going out to dinner. He needs to be a parent. (Not saying this is a valid way to behave). But have you ever had REAL consequences to his being late? Have you ever said no to him?

It is absoultely rubbish, and I am sorry you are having to deal with this. But he does it because he can. Stop letting him.

Can you tell him to book himself onto a time management course, or sort himself out because one day soon you won't be there when he does saunter in at midnight.

I'm guessing he is a solicitor and it is unfortunate but working like he is doing is the usual way to progress his career when at the start of it, if he is at a decent sized regional or in the City. My husband is a partner and it doesn't really get much better other than he doesn't have to answer to anyone (save demanding clients) and the financial rewards are so much better. I was a solicitor too and made a choice for my career to go on the backburner a bit to support his more lucrative area of law. I know that doesn't help if he is chasing targets and deadlines and kids are wearing you out but just wanted you to know you're not The only one suffering.

Does he ever tell his boss he is overloaded because sometimes they may not realise.

Lawyer?

My bil is like this. Even worse quite often. He mostly works weekends and has cut holidays short.

IME it goes one of a few ways:

1. Wife gets so fed up she divorces him.
2. She seethes with resentment and is unhappy. He promises to change ocassionally but it doesn't last.
3. She decides to get on with life and let him join in when he's there. Mostly pretty happy but far from ideal.

SIL has gone with option 3 and they have quite separate lives but get on great when he is there. He's a lovely man but will never ever change and his field is high pressure and very immediate. They've been married 20+ years.

In terms of your career you need a serious conversation about how this will be managed. Either he pays for the large amount of extra paid help you will need or you may consider staying home. Not easy, you have my sympathy.

Ok, his job is important but he has a young family now and they should be his priority.

My husband used to do very long hours but he sat down with his boss before the baby came and said he would need to work a bit closer to his contracted hours as he wanted to be at home more. His boss was quite understanding and my DH is around a lot more now. He works from home occasionally, even does a school run here and there. Your DH needs to be there for your kids but also for you! You need more support - especially when you go back to work. The kids are his responsibility too!

Lol, I was assuming Solicitor/barrister.

OP, I don't think anyone will have good advice to fix this if he is a solicitor. This is the job unfortunately. I know plenty who have gone in house or changed career to be with their family more but I know many more that haven't. This is how that job works and all the helpful suggestions in the world won't improve it.

Matilda is bang on.

I'd hate someone telling me to curtail my working hours if I was doing my best at home when there and also at work. I had this and it was unsupportive controlling and ruined the relationship. Some jobs come with difficult hours. I'm not sure there is an easy answer really.

From personal experience I would say you can't change this any more than you can change any other personality flaw or trait.

There are different points.

My kids never have a "family" diner during the week, neither had I growing up, and no one is feeling remotely neglected. Sadly around London it's common for parents to leave before the kids wake up and come back when they are already asleep. It's even more common in England when kids have diner and go to bed so early.
That by itself is a complete non-issue

Being home by "6.30 three times a week" is utterly completely unrealistic for most people. I wouldn't even manage that myself!

However, he should prioritise weekends with his family.
Also, if you do find it too hard on your own, you need help, that's easily resolve if you need a cleaner/ nanny or childcare to give you some free time.
It's a bit too much to expect to take care of him at weekends! There's another thread about how easy it is to be divorced sometimes: no adult to take care of during the week, and weekends off to recover. Some posters make it sounds so blissful!

It's not that easy to change career or give up your job. It's not that easy going for a low-paid 9 to 5, and destroying all you've worked before. It's boring, mind-destroying and not even that easy to find, It's not that easy either to relocate to a tiny flat because you can't afford anything else, give up on holidays.

Otherwise, very good summary by Matilda.

@ElleDubloo - when my dses were little, dh was commuting up to London for work, so was out of the house for long hours. He also had to do on-calls so was sometimes out very late or all night, so I can understand where you are coming from.

Like you, we never ate together as a family during the week, and I did a lot of the childcare. However, dh was very good at spending as much time with the boys as he could - and I think that made a big difference.

What I found was that, as the boys got older, and needed less time and energy consuming care from me, dh became more senior, and his hours got better too!

Dh does have a very good relationship with the boys now (they are 20, 22 and nearly 24), so I think it is possible to grow together as a family despite one parent working long hours, as long as they are prepared to make the most of the time they do have with their children.