AIBU to insist on this?

[ElleDubloo]

We've been married 4 years and have a toddler and a baby. DH has always had a busy job, but just before we got engaged he moved companies and promised that his work-life balance would improve. After his job move, he continued to be busy and I considered calling off the engagement, but he promised he was only trying to make a good impression in his new company. But things never improved since.

I also have a career but I'm on mat leave at the moment. He leaves the house at a normal time but doesn't come home until 8 pm on good days, works till midnight regularly, and does all-nighters when things are really bad. This leaves me alone with the small children. I feel like a single parent sometimes, with the added workload of having to look after an exhausted OH at weekends. He spends every weekend/AL recovering from colds and sleeping in and wanting to rest instead of going out. Sometimes he works on weekends too. I'm so exhausted I want to cry all the time.

I'm worried that:

1. Our kids will be messed up due to lack of parental attention. We'll literally never eat dinner as a family on weekdays.
2. To make up for his absence, I'll have to compromise on my career (which, although is paid significantly less than his, has great potential for future development, and I love it).
3. We'll miss out on our youth, and he'll die young of something stress-related.

I've spoken to him about this so many times I feel like a broken record. He recognises that he works too hard, its bad for his health, bad for me and our family, and that it's simply unnecessary to work so much harder than even his own colleagues. And he's spoken about changing jobs or taking it easy, but doesn't truly want to. In short, he's a workaholic, and I don't want to live like this. But I don't want to leave him because I love him.

Any other ideas?

'After mat leave I'll be going back to work part-time, which slows down my career progression significantly, but I'm willing to do it until the kids are more independent.'

Very unwise move.

Hmm, I was in this position, though DP was not a solicitor. Basically I threw my toys out of the pram, gave him a deadline to make changes or I would walk.

He saw my point of view and took the opportunity to set up on his own. We figured we would be poorer but happier. Interestingly it has not worked out that way and the business has done really well (and yes we are happier).

I think life's too short to spend working. We have now made enough money for a modest retirement and are packing in. We still have friends working all hours on the hamster wheel, mostly to pay for the help they need because they work all hours. It's madness.

Dh was like this. He had to choose - 14 hour days 6 days a week or being married. He chose being married. I couldn't have survived the sort of marriage you describe.

You guys have got it right, he works in law But not for a US law firm so it shouldn't be as bad as that. Pay is good (much better than mine) but after tax and other deductions and childcare and mortgage it doesn't feel like much. We can probably afford some help but I'm a little frugal myself

So for those who know a little about that line of work: would it be unreasonable for me to push him to go in-house? (I'm guessing yes)

MotherhoodFail - what sort of FT help, may I ask? Do you mean a nanny/housekeeper? I'm also worried about not seeing my children enough, not just that they are looked after by someone (no matter how competent).

YourNotASausage - thanks, that really helps

MatildaTheCat - thanks for that perspective. I guess number 3 really is the best! Right now I feel so fed up because I'm looking after 2 children constantly, but when they're older I guess I can find some hobbies of my own and that'll be kind of fun.

Sorry for the slow response, trying to cook at the same time.

Expat - why very unwise? What alternative do I have?

Tinkly and Barbarian - certainly an effective strategy, and I'm glad it worked out for both of you. I have no intention of leaving him, though, and we both know it.

It would be quite unusual for an in house lawyer unless they were at a mega company though to be able to match what a partner in a decent regional/City firm would make in drawings.

There is pressure on corporate lawyers in regular firms too not just US ones.

Elle, I think it will get better and nicer for you as the kids get older. I'm sure you will still spend plenty of time with the kids even with help. I'd definitely start building in an alternative to you asap so you can do things at night, have back up at the weekend and have help when they're sick and you're back at work, because your DH simply won't be your alternative.

There are plenty of job options for lawyers without having to work insane hours - but I think option 3 put forward by Matilda is the best - you aren't going to leave him - but you do deserve a life!

I was in a similar when mine were younger. DH is self employed, working 2 jobs, I'm at home with the kids.

So he was working all hours, literally day and night, and I was at home with a toddler and a newborn. It was tough, really tough. He didn't want to go back out to work till 1am having been at work all day but it has to be done. But oddly we both understood each other, because neither of us got a break.

The kids are older, circumstances have changed and things are a heck of a lot easier now for both of us. But I'll never forget bursting into tears at feeling all alone as he walked out to work again and I was left with 2 demanding children.

It's so hard, you have, my every sympathy.

I was a part-time working mother with career on hold whilst husband did up to three jobs and a masters/MBA and I looked after up to six children. We found ways through because I understood his career had to be prioritised if we wanted a financially secure and comfortable life and more children- living on maternity pay would have been difficult.
I spent a lot of time without him but found friends and other support on a day by day basis. We had paid help since I wasn't intending to become a cleaner. He was, and is, an amazing father who has provided fantastic opportunities for us all. He called every night he was away. He tried to make sure he juggled for important events and rushed in at last minute for parents evenings and plays. The children never doubted his love and certainly didn't suffer as a result of him working so hard.
We had many weekends in conference hotels - I can do two/three days cheap entertainment for children in most U.K cities from his time attending conferences with entire family in tow. Conference hosts and attendees were always very kind and tolerant of six various sized blonde little ones going around collecting goody bags.
It can be tough for the stay at home parent/primary child carer but you have to decide what, as a family, is best for you as a unit. Some compromises are clearly essential. Regardless of media myths, I suspect very few people can have everything all the time. Maybe better a hardworking, good life providing husband and father than a slob, perhaps.

Men only understand consequences and tune out words of complaint. So agree about the weekends. If he is not home at a reasonable time say 2 evenings he is on dutu all day Sat. Just up and go say at 10.And Sun is family day with a complete veto on working. Build help into your day. My dh was very busy when dcs were small. Every summer l had a local teen to help. She played in the garden with the dc. Ran after them at the park. I was always there but l had a break. My dd sunsequently did this for local families to make pocket money. Get out in the mornings either with or without dc . Have a life of your own. We always stuck to sundays were sacred. No unnecessary work as in the olden days.

June, not half sexist statement about men! But I agree with you on the getting on with things and getting help.

I'm interested to know the kind of salaries that are worth this level of sacrifice. Particularly as you have to live an expensive part of the country to access these kind of jobs. Surely there is a much better quality of life to be had on 70/80k in Manchester or Leeds?

This exactly was me.

I'm getting divorced.

OP you have my sympathies, my DH is in finance so similar hours to law and we've moved abroad for a better work/life balance. We also have help- currently a cleaner but handyman/decorator when needed. That way free time we have is for quality family time not chores and that's the benefit of the salary that comes with the job.

If it's any consolation, my Dad was similar growing up and travelled 25% of the year but the key difference is he'd get off the red eye on a Saturday morning and take us to football/ballet/the park. Otherwise he'd miss out on even more. We only ate dinner as a family on a Sunday and we're a very close knit family.

If you aren't happy working PT then you should discuss with your DH.

It also sounds counterintuitive but if he eats healthily and exercises then he might have more energy to participate in things at the weekend?

tinkly in London most of my friends who are lawyers at big city firms hit six figures in their late 20s depending on career progression. Obviously living costs are high but it's much higher than the average salary and makes buying a house in the SE possible. Each to their own in terms of saying if that's enough to justify working those hours.

Tinkly, it's hard to separate the money from the job from the personality. In our case we can manage on a lot less but he would have to do his job badly quite frankly to earn less and have more time for family. His personality won't let him do his job half assed. The work is technical and intense and in some cases, extremely important. Child abuse, rape cases, kidnapping etc. Even the corporate or property or whatever cases mean a lot to the people he is doing them for and his reputation and insurance are on the line constantly with every case. That is why he works till midnight every night and all weekend.