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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore neighbour's sudden 'friendliness'

45 replies

Picklemuncher · 05/06/2017 15:43

Lived here 7 years in normal working professional family type neighborhood. Family to one side, older couple, two adult sons still at home. Had only ever spoken to me except very briefly if they were out cutting grass. Quite clear that's all that they wanted. Fine, whatever... I did try to be a bit friendly the first couple years here. One year as I took a baking course and had some extra cakes which I did bring some over to them. I suppose it could have been considered 'aggressive baking' but it was only about 3 cakes. Never really seen the wife as she does not like to come outside but did work as a teacher. I had some health issues last year and had to call the ambulance a couple times and no one came over to see if things were ok (none of my neighbors did, not just next door) They know my husband works away during the week as I have told them when we first moved here. I was a bit disappointed no one came to see if my kids needed help as I had to go the hospital and leave them on their own (they are around 10-13 years). One time was in the middle of Saturday and another a mid-week evening, so people would have noticed a noisy ambulance in front of my house, I would have thought, but maybe somehow they didn't...

So all of that was the background....Now late last year my next door neighbour (the husband) had a bad stroke and now lives incapacitated at home. I didn't take any interest other than to say 'hope your father is okay' to one of the son's as he cut the grass. I figured they all just want privacy. Recently, for the first time in seven years the wife was outside when I was gardening and said she noticed me 'piddling about' (I was actually doing heavy work) and would I like 'to come over for tea or coffee sometime?' She was saying how awful a time she was having since needing to retire one year early and look after an invalid. I said oh, okay.

AIBU to just about ignore my neighbor's sudden friendliness? After seven years of them all being stand-offish I had completely lost interest...

OP posts:

biffyboom · 05/06/2017 16:07

You wouldn't be unreasonable to ignore them.

Although, it could be of benefit to yourself, to maybe have a little more friendliness between your families.

No harm in popping in for a coffee and seeing how you get on, its always good to have people to call on in times of need.

Figaro2017 · 05/06/2017 16:16

What harm can going for a cup of tea do? Is it worth holding a grudge over?

SilverDragonfly1 · 05/06/2017 16:21

I'd be suspicious that she felt you could be looking after him when she wants to 'pop out' since you're only piddling about at home...

But neighbours not coming round after an ambulance visit is fairly normal- they won't remember your husband not being there, or will have assumed he worked more locally since you are unwell. And won't want to come over as curtain twitching!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 05/06/2017 16:22

Some people don't realise how important social contact is until life bites them on the arse, be the bigger person op.

WidoWanky · 05/06/2017 16:25

See what happens. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I lived opposite a couple for years. He was always around, she was never seen. Then he took ill. Happy days for her apparently. He could no longer be the manipulative aggressor. See her all the time now.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/06/2017 16:27

I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

You don't have to be best mates but a bit of friendliness won't hurt.

user1493759849 · 05/06/2017 16:28

I would personally refuse.

I have a neighbour (widow no kids,) who had her parents and sister living with her (her parents were in their 70's, and the neighbour and her sister in their early 50's) and although she was polite, she never said more than 10 words to me in 2 years.

Then her parents and sister moved out and she was alone again. All of a sudden she asked me and DH to come around for a glass of wine and a chat so we could all 'get to know each other a bit better.' After TWO years.

DH said he couldn't be arsed to go, so he didn't. I went for a couple of glasses of wine out of politeness (and because I couldn't think of a reason to not go as she put me on the spot.)

By then, I had made other friends in the neighbourhood, and quite honestly had nothing in common with her anyway, so never asked her to ours and never went again. She actually said a couple of times 'we'll have to get together again soon, maybe at yours next???' And I just smiled politely. 2 years on I have still not asked her. She is OK but I'm not interested in socialising tbh.

As I said, we have nothing in common, and I made friends during the first few months here, and still cannot fathom why she waited 2 years to bother speaking to me properly and asking me around. It could have been the fact she was suddenly on her own ... But that doesn't wash to be honest.

So if I were you OP, I would just keep putting your neighbour off.

teapotter · 05/06/2017 16:30

It wouldn't hurt to go. They have been selfish in the past, but people can get caught up in their busy lives and then things change and they re evaluate their priorities. They might be really nice.

Would you feel the same if it was a young couple who used to be busy with their careers and then had a baby and mum on mat leave was feeling lonely? Not meaning to be argumentative, just that I would have more empathy in that situation, but it's actually very similar.

They have been selfish but you don't have to be too.

RhythmAndStealth · 05/06/2017 16:31

Maybe they weren't at home when the ambulance came. And it could be as simple as she never had time before.

So give them the benefit of the doubt, but also go slowly and keep your guard up.

So give it a go, but tentatively.

Original poster

Picklemuncher · 05/06/2017 16:32

I think SilverDragonfly might be onto something. She first asked me if I worked ( I don't for various reasons) and then went on to invite. It did occur to me she might be looking for a helper.

I tried to be friendly for years and basically gave up completely. Bad timing I suppose.

OP posts:

mynameislolita · 05/06/2017 16:33

Crunchymum · 05/06/2017 16:35

She called her husband an invalid? I'd steer well clear

Spiralsideways · 05/06/2017 16:35

Maybe you could just give her a chance. There's any number of reasons she's hasn't been as friendly before, perhaps she thought you wouldn't be that interested in the past? Sometimes major life events can make you re evaluate yourself.

If she's been an otherwise ok neighbour, I don't see any harm in getting to know her a bit better.

Iamastonished · 05/06/2017 16:36

I think you would be cutting your nose off to spite your face by ignoring her. It sounds like maybe the husband was a little controlling, and the wife now has a little more freedom.

Be the bigger person. You have nothing to lose.

ItchyKondera · 05/06/2017 16:38

I'd give the benefit of the doubt, pop over, but stay distant. We once saw one of our neighbours in the flats opposite sat in the back of an ambulance one night but as we are just on the exchanging hellos and pleasantries across the way, I wouldn't have dared asked if he was OK as it felt very much none of my business

Maybe she is lonely and just wants some company....

LizzieMacQueen · 05/06/2017 16:44

I think you are reading too much into their (perceived) behaviour in the past, when you had the ambulance visit. I think they will have noticed but will have said nothing in case they were seen as nosey - nothing else.

MatildaTheCat · 05/06/2017 16:45

She sounds lonely and fed up. Her dh is suddenly disabled and she's had to stop working. All pretty crap. If she's asking you in for a coffee and being friendly now it would be nice of you to go with a packet of biscuits or a cake! and have a nice chat.

You do NOT have to start getting involved or offering services you aren't happy with. They sound like they lived in their happy bubble with no real need for their neighbour's and now that's changed.

So up to you entirely but ignoring is a bit mean IMO.

Sunnymeg · 05/06/2017 16:49

I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't struggling with her new circumstances and needs a friend. She has had to give up work suddenly and it's possible that all her hopes and plans for retirement have been dashed due to her husband's stroke. She is probably reaching out to you as the nearest person. It remains to be seen whether you have anything in common and whether you could be a friend to her even if you were willing to be.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/06/2017 16:50

It won't have been personal. I'd go tbh. You don't have to be bosom buddies. And if she asks anything of you, you don't work due to pooe health or some such so sorry, you couldn't possibly be relied on.

Original poster

Picklemuncher · 05/06/2017 16:50

Okay, so I am being too focussed on the ambulance thing.
I guess because other places we lived we knew our neighbours well enough that we did small things to help out like mail pick up or dog sitting. So I was unprepared for just how incredibly private this street is. I thought I had ADAPTED to the culture here.

So it sounds like everyone here thinks my neighbour was genuine. I guess I will have to psyche myself up for a visit.

OP posts:

silkpyjamasallday · 05/06/2017 16:50

To be fair OP she may have asked if you worked because she wants company during the day as she will now be at home caring for her husband. She could be looking for you to do favours by watching her husband if she has to go out, but she might not, you can always say no if she asks. Why not give it a chance? Holding a grudge over the ambulance thing is a bit silly imo, I have never checked on our neighbours when there have been ambulances as we don't have anything to do with one another day to day, it would never occur to me to do so, but my road is mostly students so when ambulances come it's usually because they are too drunk or high. If you go and don't like her you don't have to go again.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 05/06/2017 16:50

I wouldn't like my neighbours (unless friends) to pop round if they had seen an ambulance.

Sunnyshores · 05/06/2017 16:51

I wouldnt like to think my neighbour was lonely or desperately needed help, so I would spare half an hour and pop round. She's kept herself to herself for 7 years, but she's hardly a neighbour from hell.

But I would have a few polite excuses ready if all shes after is an unpaid home help.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/06/2017 16:51

I don't know my neighbours really. If they'd called an ambulance I would notice, but I wouldn't go over to them because I wouldn't want to interfere or be nosy.

I think YABU.

Original poster

Picklemuncher · 05/06/2017 16:53

Yes, I probably am being a bit 'tit for tat'. I have been quite open about my son have autism, about my husband working away during the week. Maybe people don't really listen. When their life suddenly changes they change their tune. I have another neighbour who never stops to chat unless they want money for their charity. I think I am a bit jaded now.

OP posts:

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