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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to look after my sister's baby

58 replies

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 10:26

This is a pretty long story so I'll try not to ramble too much....

My twin sister is pregnant. This is her second pregnancy. Her first son was taken off her at 10 months due to neglect. He is now with a loving foster family, who treat him as though he was their own, and still let my mum and I see him. My sister has no interest in seeing him and never tried to get him back. Failed all drug tests and skipped all court appearances. This was 5 years ago and I was in a different country. My mum did everything she could to help, paid my sister's rent, bought all the nursery furniture, went there every day to help etc and still my sister couldn't cope and didn't want her baby.

I am now in the same country as her. She is currently sleeping on a friend's couch, she has never paid rent, never worked etc. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she is pregnant again. I organised doctors appointments, pregnancy assistance appointments to try and sort out accommodation for her and she hasn't done anything apart from take a pregnancy test.

I have 3 children of my own, with my husband of 11 years. They are all under 6 years old and one has special needs, so I have my hands very full. I am so scared that my sister is going to lose this baby and that I should be the one to look after it, but I just don't know how I will cope! I would need a bigger car, bigger house and about 5 more hours in the day just to get everything done! Not to mention how it would affect my family. My husband and I would have loved to have another baby, but we made the decision not to because we would not be able to give our current sons the love and attention they all need and deserve, especially with our special needs son requiring a lot of extra support.

BUT, I can't bear to think of this of this innocent little newborn going straight into the foster system if my sister can't/won't do anything to keep it. It will probably have drug addiction problems / possibly foetal alcohol syndrome / breathing problems due to her smoking. It actually breaks my heart. I have been having nightmares , not being able to sleep and constantly stressed andin two minds about what I should do... so....

AIBU not to look after my sister's baby? :(

OP posts:

MommaGee · 05/06/2017 10:28

How far along is she and would she have an abortion?

jamrock · 05/06/2017 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDustyBusty · 05/06/2017 10:29

No, you've done enough. With three children already to care for, you can't be expected to take more on.

MommaGee · 05/06/2017 10:31

Re baby, if you couldnt cope then not having him is a fair thing to do for all four kids. You would presumably need to be assessed anyway so house too small, tie mental well-being may all impact anyway.

You have top decide what us best for everyone and its ok to say no. Alternatively you may change your mind as time goes on.

Its one of the crueler thongs in life when women like your sister can get pregnant so easily and so many people desperate kids can't

TheHoneyBadger · 05/06/2017 10:31

have you contacted social services? they really need to be involved.

PoisonousSmurf · 05/06/2017 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CherriesInTheSnow · 05/06/2017 10:35

Do you kind which country you live in now?

If they are similar to UK social services, I think the fact that she had a baby taken off her into care should flag up at her antenatal appointments which should get her on the path to support - or more importantly, her unborn child.

If this can be put in place before the baby is born then that would be better for all involved I think. I would certainly be reporting your concerns. How does she feel about being pregnant? Is she wanting to keep this baby or is she ambivalent?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/06/2017 10:35

Are you in the U.K.? If so, if you became a special guardian for the baby you would be paid a regular allowance by the council - its means tested so I don't know how much you'd get but I think it's the same as foster carers. That's not to say you should offer to care for the baby. The baby is better off with a family who have capability to love and care for it, that could be adopters who although not blood relatives have the time and emotional resources to do it. Your duty is to your existing children and husband. If you'd ruled out having another of your own for sensible reasons then perhaps it would be wrong to jeopardise your stability.

Is your first niece/nephew going to be adopted? That's the usual plan for young children in the U.K. and it rarely allows for much direct contact with birth families.

Birdsgottaf1y · 05/06/2017 10:36

You wouldn't be "looking after your Sister's baby", you would be the Primary Carer, so a Mum, again.

I think you all need to accept that your Sister won't be keeping this baby.

It would be very unfair to intervene, as your Mum did, so that she keeps residency.

Discuss it with your DH and Mum?, but it is no longer your Sister's child.

CherriesInTheSnow · 05/06/2017 10:36

Sorry, that should say do you mind saying which country you live in now :)

Birdsgottaf1y · 05/06/2017 10:38

Also, you need to make Child Services aware of everything.

Osolea · 05/06/2017 10:38

Foster carers and adoptive parents can provide wonderful, loving, stable homes for children. This child would not be doomed to a terrible life if it went to one.

ghostyslovesheets · 05/06/2017 10:38

If she has shown no interest in the baby adoption would be better surely? But it isn't the preferred option at all

ems137 · 05/06/2017 10:39

I don't think I could knowingly allow a relative of mine to go into care. BUT that doesn't mean that you are in any way wrong for admitting that you may not be able to cope. You have to put your own family first and if it would be detrimental to them then you would be making the right decision.

QuestionableMouse · 05/06/2017 10:39

Would the foster family who has her first little boy be interested? It would be nice for them to be together.

CherriesInTheSnow · 05/06/2017 10:40

And also I'm not an expert but I've read a bit about the care system for babies born to drug addicted mothers, and if this information if brought to the attention of her antenatal care provider, they should be involved as will social services and she will have to prove through clean drug tests and by other methods that she is capable of parenting this child.

I could be wrong and will double check but if she fails to comply with their support and meet these standards, it is unlikely they will be letting her leave hospital with this baby in her care.

MommaGee · 05/06/2017 10:41

Also to add I have amazing friends who only foster children with additional needs. They are bloody amazing and one has now adopted her little one. So whilst n most cases it isn't ideal, if your sister doesn't want the baby then giving it up for adoption rather than fighting it might be quicker and kinder

Original poster

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 10:41

I have notified the DCP (social services) that she is pregnant again, so they will definitely be involved.

I was just saying to my husband this morning that it is so unfair that she gets pregnant and doesn't even care, when there are other people struggling to get pregnant and would do anything for a healthy baby.

My sister isn't letting the couple that foster her other son adopt him because she won't let anyone else be his 'mother'. It is so cruel. I think that she would do the same with this baby. Her brain is mentally impaired from years of drug abuse and she is like a 15 year old in a 31 year old's body.

OP posts:

Original poster

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 10:42

We are in Australia

OP posts:

MommaGee · 05/06/2017 10:43

Don't be so harsh on 15 yo's. Your sister is being a heartless bitch. If she wanted to be a "mom" she'd have sorted herself out by now.
How far along is she?

Original poster

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 10:43

I guess the ideal situation would be that the baby goes to the same family that look after her other son, the only catch is, they want a daughter so if it's a boy I don't know if they would take him. They still let my mum and I see her other son, which is amazing.

OP posts:

Original poster

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 10:47

She is roughly 4 months along, but she isn't sure cos she is just going by how many periods she has missed. She hasn't even had a scan... just a pregnancy test

OP posts:

EeekWhat · 05/06/2017 10:48

YANBU. You must think you are for one second. It's such a sad situation. Truly heartbreaking.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 05/06/2017 10:48

Why can't the adoption be forced? Surely she won't get the 5 year old back now anyway so I'm confused why she even has a say in what happens to him.

She is a waste of space and I'd wash my hands of her.

YANBU for feeling that it's too much for you to take on. Ultimately, it isn't your responsibility. She needs to sort out some bloody contraception.

monkeywithacowface · 05/06/2017 10:48

You could take on this baby and put yourself under a lot of strain. But what happens when she falls pregnant again? Can you take on a second, third or even fourth child? What about the child who remains in foster care who will wonder why he wasn't kept with family?

IMO far better to explore the options for siblings to stay together in a loving foster home with hopefully arrangements in place for you to play your role as a caring aunt.

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