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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to look after my sister's baby

58 replies

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 10:26

This is a pretty long story so I'll try not to ramble too much....

My twin sister is pregnant. This is her second pregnancy. Her first son was taken off her at 10 months due to neglect. He is now with a loving foster family, who treat him as though he was their own, and still let my mum and I see him. My sister has no interest in seeing him and never tried to get him back. Failed all drug tests and skipped all court appearances. This was 5 years ago and I was in a different country. My mum did everything she could to help, paid my sister's rent, bought all the nursery furniture, went there every day to help etc and still my sister couldn't cope and didn't want her baby.

I am now in the same country as her. She is currently sleeping on a friend's couch, she has never paid rent, never worked etc. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she is pregnant again. I organised doctors appointments, pregnancy assistance appointments to try and sort out accommodation for her and she hasn't done anything apart from take a pregnancy test.

I have 3 children of my own, with my husband of 11 years. They are all under 6 years old and one has special needs, so I have my hands very full. I am so scared that my sister is going to lose this baby and that I should be the one to look after it, but I just don't know how I will cope! I would need a bigger car, bigger house and about 5 more hours in the day just to get everything done! Not to mention how it would affect my family. My husband and I would have loved to have another baby, but we made the decision not to because we would not be able to give our current sons the love and attention they all need and deserve, especially with our special needs son requiring a lot of extra support.

BUT, I can't bear to think of this of this innocent little newborn going straight into the foster system if my sister can't/won't do anything to keep it. It will probably have drug addiction problems / possibly foetal alcohol syndrome / breathing problems due to her smoking. It actually breaks my heart. I have been having nightmares , not being able to sleep and constantly stressed andin two minds about what I should do... so....

AIBU not to look after my sister's baby? :(

OP posts:

Kokusai · 05/06/2017 10:49

You sister is one of the worst kind of people - bringing children into the world and doing everything she can to make sure they have a shit start in life.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 10:56

She has to basically sign a form giving consent for them to adopt him and she won't do it. They have guardianship of him, but can't legally adopt him. She is a selfish b*h. I'm so angry at her.

She doesn't seem to care. She told me she was going to stay clean and go to appointments and keep the baby, but now she is ignoring my calls (because I'm trying to get her to do things, like go to doctors appointments and sort out accommodation etc).

OP posts:

dinosaurkisses · 05/06/2017 10:56

There was a fantastic and very moving thread about an experienced foster mother taking over the care of a newborn who had been taken from her mother at birth. The baby was born with an addiction due to her birth mothers abuse problem.

It's in classics and I'd recommend you give it a read- the foster mum was amazing and cared for the little girl until she was a year old and ready to go to her adoptive family. But even as experienced as she was and having previously cared for babies going through withdrawal and all that involves, so she was very honest about how tough it was for h and her husband.

There's no way that child would have had such a stable and loving Home environment with her birth mother. Your sister's baby going into care as a newborn isn't the worst case scenario- it might be the quickest route to he or she finding a home where they are loved and wanted and their needs met.

Jellybean85 · 05/06/2017 10:57

The U.K. Is one of the few countries that allows 'forced ' adoption without parental consent. This is a good example of why! No child deserves to spend their lives in foster care not feeling part of a 'real' family.
Good luck in whatever you decide. You've obviously put real thought into it and will do the best you can in whichever situation comes up

expatinscotland · 05/06/2017 10:59

YANBU. You have too much on your plate to take this child.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/06/2017 11:03

My sister isn't letting the couple that foster her other son adopt him because she won't let anyone else be his 'mother'.

I realise it's differnot not as you're in Australia and I'm in the U.K. But this made me so sad. I had an horrific time in care as my mother also wouldn't let me be adopted or settled in a foster family yet didn't want me herself. When will some SS wake up to the fact they should be listening to adults who were children in care instead of banging on about how I can't help as don't have a degree and they know best as they do.

MoosicalDaisy · 05/06/2017 11:04

I feel for you, I have a sister who is exactly the same to yours, and I cannot have children.

Thank you for notifying SS/DCP. Please focus on your own children and do not feel bad for recognizing you can't look after her baby. The foster carers, if they want another child, should really not be picky over the sex... That's not fair and it's very selfish, they should be thinking about keeping siblings together and helping little ones in need.

Can Australian courts not decide if the other child can be adopted? Why does your sister have the final say?

shineon · 05/06/2017 11:09

You can't take the baby, youve said yourself you wouldnt cope. And what happens when she gets pregnant again & again... Best thing for her to do would be have a termination

MoosicalDaisy · 05/06/2017 11:10

I see from other posters that the courts cannot 'force' an adoption. Such a shame

SparklyMagpie · 05/06/2017 11:16

What a sad situation for this unborn child and it's little brother :(

CoolCarrie · 05/06/2017 11:18

We were in a similar situation due to my mil great niece who had her baby at 15. My mil wanted us to take the baby, but we said no, due to various reasons, including our feeling that the baby should be adopted out of the family all together as I felt the child deserved a fresh start with another family with no connection to the mother at all, as much for the mother's sake as well as the child.
It has worked out for the best as the baby was settled with a lovely family and the niece is now happily married with another child now.

I honestly think that it would be best not to take on your sister child, you have enough to deal with your own family and life. Give the child the chance of a fresh new start with a family who really, really want a child and don't beat yourself up about your sister's choices in her life.

RaingodsWithZippos · 05/06/2017 11:20

I had a similar dilemma when DSS1 and his ex had their second baby after the first was taken off them due to neglect and learning disabilities (hers) and alcohol and drug dependence (his). DH's exW has custody of the older child and we knew the baby would be removed at birth. DSS1 was very keen on us adopting and we seriously considered it, but in the end decided against it. The baby was born with various health issues including a hole in his heart, which made it really hard to say no, but our baby days were behind us and we also worried that it would be a stressful dynamic, because social services were pushing for adoption rather than familial fostering, so the baby would legally be our child not grandchild.

We felt awful refusing, but in the end I think it was for the right reasons. We are very close to DGC1 and friendly with the exW, but DSS1 is not in contact with any of us as he feels we let him down.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 11:21

It is such a sad situation. I wish they could force adoption here if the mother didn't show any interest / failed all drug tests / didn't show up at court to fight for custody like my sister did. Her other son is so lucky to have found a 'forever' home with parents who can never legally adopt him because of her selfishness.

OP posts:

user1492517429 · 05/06/2017 11:22

like a PP said, if Australia is the same as the UK you would be paid an allowance for the child to allow you to get things like furniture and a larger car etc, its not a huge amount but would probably make it financially viable but this doesn't seem to be the only issue. If you don't think you would cope then let the baby go to a family who will be able to /want to. I think it is awesome that you are keeping in touch with her elder son but I think she is being incredibly selfish not letting him be adopted. if its any comfort, however, the fact that she doesn't want him to call anyone else mum is irrelevant, he knows who his mummy is and it isn't the selfish waste of space that gave birth to him

Backt0Black · 05/06/2017 11:23

How awful OP - my DB is the same, discarded kids all over, wrongly he seems to get away with it as he is not the DM. Its not right, not right at all.

I think the thing to consider is, whatever happens here.... what will happen if your sister gets pregnant yet again while her life is so chaotic?

Kokusai · 05/06/2017 11:23

We felt awful refusing, but in the end I think it was for the right reasons. We are very close to DGC1 and friendly with the exW, but DSS1 is not in contact with any of us as he feels we let him down.

Just shows how self centered addiction makes people. He let the baby down by being a drug and alcohol addict.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 11:23

Thank you sharing your similar stories, that makes me feel a lot better about my situation.

OP posts:

vjg13 · 05/06/2017 11:23

Are the family who care for her son aware she is pregnant?

muffinbluffer · 05/06/2017 11:31

This is so sad and reminds me of my grandmother....her and her db were fostered due to neglect....the db was adopted but because my dg was a girl her birth mother refused to allow her to also be adopted by the same family as she wanted my DG to return when she was older and help around the house....my DG never really got over it and couldn't really attach to anyone throughout her life.....

I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say re advice....you seem kind and caring though and whatever happens the baby is lucky to have you as advocate in that respect.....

RaingodsWithZippos · 05/06/2017 11:32

koku I couldn't agree more. DSS2 and DS had both decided before then that he was a waste of space and only their brother in name. When it's your son (or in my case stepson) you feel obliged to not give up and to try to help them but there comes a point when you have been robbed blind, defrauded and had malicious allegations made against you that you have to say enough is enough. His view is that his mum has DC1 so his dad should take DC2, and by saying no we have shown that we don't care. He doesn't seem to understand that he is the father not DH and he is responsible not us. It's very sad.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 05/06/2017 11:34

Will the foster carers with the older child take the baby too?

Notalotterywinner · 05/06/2017 12:35

Can the foster family take the sibling?

Boulshired · 05/06/2017 12:46

I think there is a huge difference in taking responsibility for a child whose parent was no longer around or ill and taking responsibility for a child whose useless parent will be around and a constant reminder to the child of just how little their parent cared. The second scenario damages everyone.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 05/06/2017 13:01

The foster family would hopefully consider looking after the baby, however my mum had previously spoken to them about them fostering another child and they had said they were hoping for a girl next time. SO hopefully she has a girl! Although you would hope they wouldn't be fussy if it was their other child's biological sibling.

OP posts:

Kokusai · 05/06/2017 13:12

@RaingodsWithZippos It's very sad

It is :-( Addiction is such a devastating thing.

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