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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry and consider ending this friendship?

33 replies

BeyondTheReasons · 04/06/2017 21:02

Friend has been with boyfriend 6 years. Cheated on her repeatedly throughout with different women. He cheated on her on holiday but in her words it doesn't count as it was abroad Confused

He's started a new relationship behind her back. Which she now knows.

He smashed her head against a wall. I said that's it, cut contact with him. It's got to be over now and she agreed.

She's now gone back and he's broken her arm. I've said to report him and she completely ignored me.

She had no children with this man, financially she's fine and she had places to stay (friends and family) and yet her excuse for not leaving him is ... because she doesn't want anyone else to have him.

I can't cope anymore. For the last 6 years I've been used to listen to this for hours on end ... I can't do it anymore and she won't even help herself.

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 04/06/2017 21:04

Abused partners often can't leave their abusers.

Fear, financial dependence, threats, blackmail, dependence - many reasons.

I understand your frustration, but she needs you more than ever. Don't give up on her.

Read up on why abused victims stay in or return to these relationships, and please don't judge her - she's a victim.

peachgreen · 04/06/2017 21:05

I can understand your frustration but YABU to say that your friend is only with him because she doesn't want anyone else to have him. The reasons women don't leave abusive relationships are incredibly varied but almost always complex and deeply-rooted in the abuse cycle.

You're not obligated to be anyone's friend but one day your friend will be ready to leave and if you're there to help her it will be easier for her.

AdalindSchade · 04/06/2017 21:05

I think it's a bit like being friends with an addict. At some point you have to accept that you're not helping them and you're just damaging your own emotional wellbeing.
Tell her you'll be there when she's left him but until then you can't watch any longer.
You could always report him for breaking her arm. It won't go anywhere if she won't give a statement but it might put the wind up him.

PacificDogwod · 04/06/2017 21:06

You can report him to the police - they will follow-up on all reports of DV.
It is likely that A+E may have reported it too.

Inform yourself why abused women so often find it so difficult to leave very dangerous relationships.
Be there for your friend.
She may very much need you at some point.
Women's Aid may also have some information you might find useful.

BanginChoons · 04/06/2017 21:07

Read about trauma bonds/traumatic bonding.

newtlover · 04/06/2017 21:07

there is nothing you can do to change her mind, and it's very draining for you....I can only suggest you find out where the Freedom Programme runs local to her and suggest she goes. Please DON'T try and persuade her to leave, women are in great danger when they leave and she probably knows that better than you.

TrueColors · 04/06/2017 21:09

She needs friends more than ever now.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 04/06/2017 21:09

It's absolutely fine for you to withdraw but it's not alright to blame this woman for her abuse. Domestic abuse victims often undergo a complex type of psychology torture that leaves them unable to leave their abuser.

It's not that she won't help herself, she's just unable to at this time.

The abuse is 100% the abuser's fault, not your friend's but it's not your responsibility and you should have no guilt about walking away if you can't stand this awful situation any longer.

Original poster
BeyondTheReasons · 04/06/2017 21:11

I can understand your frustration but YABU to say that your friend is only with him because she doesn't want anyone else to have him.

That's what she's repeatedly told me and says the next woman he'll marry and they'll have an amazing relationship.

I've not just come to this conclusion by myself.

OP posts:
AfunaMbatata · 04/06/2017 21:11

YABU for being angry but not for cooling off the friendship. If it's damaging you then take several steps back and just be in the distance.
Always look after yourself firstFlowers

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 04/06/2017 21:13

If you can't do it, you can't. Please don't beat yourself up for being unable to take this anymore. Whatever your friend's needs, you cannot make her leave and you have to put your own mental health first.

Tell her where help is, tell her you'll be there when she's ready to go, but just don't feel guilty for being unable to carry on with this.

Original poster
BeyondTheReasons · 04/06/2017 21:14

I'm not blaming her for the abuse. So please do not say that lie. I've stood by this woman for 6 years.

I'm saying that she won't help herself. Which is true. Even before the violence she continued to accept that it was ok for him to cheat on her with up to 8 different women at one time.

OP posts:
RoseOfSharyn · 04/06/2017 21:14

I would suggest you take a step back.
Do not end the friendship as she will need you in future, but if I were you I wouldn't offer her any more relationship advice.

When she is strong enough to leave she'll need you desperately, and she will know your door is open and you are willing to help.

Flowers for you and your friend. I've been in her shoes and it's not as easy break to make.

PacificDogwod · 04/06/2017 21:16

Think of her as being 'brain washed' - what is blindingly obvious to you is just not as simple to her. She cannot see it, not that she does not want to, she can't.

Take a step back but be there to pick up the pieces when she needs support.

TwentyCups · 04/06/2017 21:19

I've walked away from a friend in an abusive relationship. I still feel bad over it now but I had been there for her when she finally left him and started a new life. Then she started going silent on me and I found out they were back together. I didn't have the strength to help her break away from him again - and she insisted it was different this time, which it was, for a few weeks.

Let her know you are still there for her but that you can't stay friends whilst he is still around. I've learned it's impossible to keep a friendship when you both know how much you want her to leave her partner. He is a part of every single bit of her life so there's no safe topic of conversation any more.

I feel for her and I feel for you too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2017 21:32

Do what you have to do. You are not here to save her if that makes you unable to save yourself. It is ok to walk away for your own sanity. It is a very hard and sad situation. But nothing you do or say will have any influence on changing this. She needs to come to her own conclusions when she is ready and strong enough.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 04/06/2017 21:32

Please don't ever give up on her.

TestTubeTeen · 04/06/2017 21:37

Have a look on the Women's Aid website: there is a page, or a FAQ about what to do if your friend is being abused.

RandomMess · 04/06/2017 21:38

You know you can report it to the police and they can decide to prosecute???

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 04/06/2017 21:39

Brainwashed. This. So much this.

SmileEachDay · 04/06/2017 21:53

I bet he's got her convinced he'd be in a better relationship next time - that makes the abuse her fault, right?

Also that she'll never get anyone if she leaves him. So she should put up with it. Which y'know, kinda makes it her fault.

It's her fault. She'll have that message loud and clear,

DistanceCall · 04/06/2017 21:57

You're entitled to feel that you can't bear it any more, and tell her.

Tell her also that you'll always be there for her when she decides to leave. You are not abandoning her.

peachgreen · 04/06/2017 22:08

Beyond Yes, because no doubt that's what he's told her. Lots of PPs have explained why women stay with abusers. Please listen to them.

Woobeedoo · 04/06/2017 22:09

Many years ago my closest friend was in a similar place to your friend, except she'd married the guy (I begged her not to as she told me he'd hit her 'a few times - but he said he didn't mean it' when they were engaged).

I'd get a phonecall every Saturday night after he'd got home from the pub, beaten 7 bells out of her and then fallen asleep in a drunken stupor. Each time I would plead with her to pack a bag and I'd drive to hers and collect her and she could stay at mine or I'd drive her to her parents. Each time she refused, wheeling out the same old line of him not meaning it and that he'll say sorry in the morning.

After a while I gave up asking her to leave him so I went through several years of the tearful Saturday night phonecalls - all I could do would make the appropriate sympathetic sounds and just hope that she'd see the light and leave him. Eventually she did, however it took her being beaten un-conscious and left sprawled on the kitchen floor by him (she was roused by her dog licking her face).

I think some women have a zero acceptance policy when it comes to violence, yet other women have been verbally put down, worn down and subjected to it for so long, it becomes normal for them until one day something in them clicks and they realise they do not have to put up with this and only then do they get the courage to leave. Be there for when your friend gets that courage.

MarciaBlaine · 04/06/2017 22:17

There was a programme the other night Catching a Killer, I think, where a woman was murdered by her partner. She had tried to leave him several times. Her sister got frustrated and said something like "if you go back, never darken my door again". The guilt she suffered after the murder Sad I think you might to step back a little for your own sanity. This must be so upsetting and frustrating. But leave the door a little bit open. I really hope she can find the strength to leave the bastard.

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