Tell me I'm being dumb

[BeingMePls]

My mum has been putting her affairs in order (no need to, just sorting stuff out). Anyway last year she mentioned she was going to leave her house (by far I reckon her biggest asset) to my sister (50%) and remaining 50% to be split between my two children (no other grandchildren).

I must admit I reacted badly to the news, predominantly because I was highly emotional due to being ill (nothing serious).

Anyway rationally, I understand the decision. My husband and I went through a really awful time of it about 10 years ago where he refused to pay any bills etc and I had to borrow from my mum (all paid back). It's clear she doesn't want him to get his hands on any of it which I think is fair enough.

However the emotional part of me just gets really angry about her decision. Thinks it looks like she's singling me out and making quite a bold statement about me specifically.
I've always felt like the black sheep in the family and this feels like the nail in the coffin.

Please MN give me a kick. I don't need or want anything and I know it's totally up to her what she does with what's she's worked hard for.

I don't think YABU. She's skipping a generation (you) and yes she's entitled do but it doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. She's not treating you and your sister fairly.

She's not skipping a generation just me :)

Does diss have kids?

Ouch, you're not being unreasonable - you sound like you're handling it pretty well!

Dsis

Nope Dsis doesn't have kids

It's natural to be upset, but you should not make that known to her - it's her money and her choice. No one is entitled to it, it's up to her how she deals with her affairs.

She clearly hasn't forgiven your Husband and is making sure that he gets nothing more from her.

Tbh, i feel the same towards one of my Son-In-Laws and my DD will just have to get over it.

She wants it to go to the grandchildren, not him. I don't blame her.

Are you still with him? Why did he refuse to pay bills?

Your mum sounds sensible, if you are.

Well how would you feel if your dh walks out and takes half of the inheritance when she passes.

I can see why she wouldnt want someone who did thay to her dd, getting his hands on what she leaves.

I am assuming this isnt the only time he acted like a twat.

Devils advocate then.
Hopefully she knows you would want your dc to inherit instead of dh so is cutting that step out.

Still is a bit sharp but it feels better than cutting you out, rather she is ensuring your interest?

She doesn't trust your husband with a significant windfall so it sounds like a sensible approach to me. She wants to ensure that her descendants - you and the GKs -benefit, but she isn't confident that the money won't be squandered before they see any of it

Oh god - my mother has done this too! For the same reasons - she doesn't want any 'partner' of mine being able to get their hands on her money.

Although its slightly different.

A third to each of my brothers.
One of my brothers is married with a dc and the other is single.
The remaining third is half to me and half split between my three children.

I'm pissed off about it too but it's her money - she could rightly enough choose to leave it all to a donkey sanctuary.

Rizlett. I think that's fair actually. At least you're being recognised. :(

I just can't understand why parents do this. No amount of money is worth causing the ill-feeling that a will like this generates in families.

What's your DO like these days, OP?

DP not DO!

She wants to ensure that her descendants - you and the GKs -benefit

...but OP won't see a penny of it, she doesn't benefit at all.

What OP's mother is doing is totally disrespecting OP's choice of partner. Horrible way to behave.

I think this is very odd. She can leave her money where she likes, but to exclude her own child seems like an extreme reaction to me. So what if your DH 'gets' some of the money? I assume the finances are now sorted and he is, after all, your DH.

Isn't inheritance ringfenced in the event of a divorce anyway? Or could the money be subject to a deed of trust (so protected in the same way as house deposits sometimes are?)

tbh, I think OP's mother is using her will to make a point which is just spiteful and bound to drive a wedge between her two daughters.

Inheritance isnt necessarily ringfenced if it is almalgamated into the family pot. However, if it is kept seperate, never used for family expenses etc then the OP could argue in a divorce that it shouldnt be considered an asset of the marriage. Could go either way though.

What could be done is a trust set up for the OP, and any remainder to be left to her children and afaik that cant be touched by him in divorce although it would be considered when calculating her income if she applied for spousal maintenance and when working out who needs what in a settlement.

I would be gutted so I know exactly how you feel.

It would be interesting to see if she expects you to step up if she needs care.......often the black sheep is the one who is expected to do the most in return for the least.

I can't really see what your problem is , your mother is just ensuring that she can leave something to her grandchildren , for all you know if your sister had had children she may well have left the other half to them rather than your sister . She obviously , and with reason , feels your husband is not financially responsible and wants to make sure your dc are provided for , sounds like a sensible woman .

How old are your children? Putting to one side that its upsetting to feel she doesn't trust you/your partner, if your children are young she should be considering a trust and potentially naming you as a trustee.

If she doesn't any inheritance will still need to be controlled until they are 18 at which point they will come into a large sum of money whether they are ready for it or not. This may not be what she wants.

We set things up so that in the event of us both dying the estate would be in trust for the children until they were 25 but with trustees having discretion to hand over what remained at any point after the age of 18.

This was on the advice of family lawyer who had dealt with too many families with children in intestacy cases and children, sometimes still grieving, unable to manage money effectively as young adults.