Tell me I'm being dumb

[BeingMePls]

My mum has been putting her affairs in order (no need to, just sorting stuff out). Anyway last year she mentioned she was going to leave her house (by far I reckon her biggest asset) to my sister (50%) and remaining 50% to be split between my two children (no other grandchildren).

I must admit I reacted badly to the news, predominantly because I was highly emotional due to being ill (nothing serious).

Anyway rationally, I understand the decision. My husband and I went through a really awful time of it about 10 years ago where he refused to pay any bills etc and I had to borrow from my mum (all paid back). It's clear she doesn't want him to get his hands on any of it which I think is fair enough.

However the emotional part of me just gets really angry about her decision. Thinks it looks like she's singling me out and making quite a bold statement about me specifically.
I've always felt like the black sheep in the family and this feels like the nail in the coffin.

Please MN give me a kick. I don't need or want anything and I know it's totally up to her what she does with what's she's worked hard for.

You say you reacted badly. Do you mean to your DM or to yourself later? I wouldn't be at all happy and would ask DM to reconsider and perhaps get some legal advice if she fears your dp getting his hands on her money.

I had to make my views known when my parents wrote their wills. They were planning to split the inheritance by their views on who needed it most ( four siblings). I said I wouldn't be involved in the executing unless it was evenly split and I hope they've taken it on board.

I said I wouldn't be involved in the executing unless it was evenly split

Out of interest why? If one sibling is in greater need and others less is it unreasonable to divide according to need? Ignoring personal items which may have sentimental value I don't think it is automatically unreasonable to split differently for needs.

Matilda. I reacted badly to her. I cried. I am so ashamed but I felt it was actually a huge statement. I had visions of her will being read out and everyone wondering why she hated me so much she didn't leave anything. I don't even know if that even happens!.

TBH I don't understand why she just doesn't split the 50% between me and my two kids. Surely that's most fair?

CH8. Children are 21 and 12 this year

The reason I believe in splitting the inheritance evenly is this: one sibling is very wealthy and one struggling. Two of us are fine. If the struggling sibling got a bigger share it could easily lead to all sorts of resentment. He and his dw have very different priorities and could quite realistically choose to spend it all on travel.

My wealthy brother would, I am sure, feel rejected and hurt if he was singled out and given less. Chances are he would invest it for his own DC or choose to change the amount he accepted but to have this enforced would be hurtful.

Money really can cause so much bad feeling and resentment. In our case, with four siblings and quite possible care costs we may get absolutely nothing but I don't want to be the one who gets to deal with all that.

Btw I learned this the hard way with hard up db, we lent/ gave them a significant sum to renovate their very run down house and they ended up spending a good third of the money on other stuff including holidays.

OP, talk calmly to your DM again and ask her to explain her side and then you explain yours. As I said, some legal advice might reassure her.

Children are 21 and 12 this year

At 21, probably of an age where you can judge likely reaction to being handed a big cheque. For the 12 year old I'd definitely consider the trust.

I've been the 'DH' in this set up. My MiL set up a complicated and expensive trust to ensure that 'their money' (we are not talking millionaire estate here) could never be touched by me. This despite me being the main financial contributor throughout our marriage and being all things to all people when DH was ill, with precious little support from them.

I got the message loud and clear but I did object to them setting up a trust which potentially left my children with a lot of cash at too young an age and with me having no say in how money was spent on them by trustees. I asked them to change it to discretionary trust of the type we had set up and made it clear I'd challenge anything else (largely an idle threat but it worked).

I'm afraid that although I can understand why you're upset, I don't blame your mum for wanting the inheritance to bypass your husband - that sounds like a very traumatic time and a demonstration that he's probably not very financially trustworthy. I think this is about him, not you, OP.

Money really can cause so much bad feeling and resentment

Oh definitely and as my mother always said "where there is a Will there are relatives".

In our case, with four siblings and quite possible care costs we may get absolutely nothing but I don't want to be the one who gets to deal with all that.

I understand not wanting to be executor if it pitches you between siblings. I'm not sure why but people can equate splitting money to splitting love.

I guess if the struggling brother is such because they have had money and spent it that isn't quite the same as one being poorer because they have been ill, unlucky or are hardworking in a socially useful but badly paid job. In the latter case I'd find it hard to argue against the poorer sibling getting a bit extra help.

I dont think you are being unfair simply because I dont think you are looking at it in terms of money. You are are seeing it as a demonstration of your relationship with your mother. I have never understood parents treating their children differently. I want both mine to know they will be always be loved and both share an equal part of my heart. There have been things that have happened in my family where I was made to feel I wasnt seen on same level as siblings and to be honest it will forever hurt me something they will probably never even consider even though others were shocked. It hurts when you feel those who are supposed to love you unconditionally can treat you cruelly. It shouldent be based on your choice of husband

The responses have been mixed. Of course rationally I understand why she's doing it, but emotionally I feel so hurt I can't really get over it.