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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really feel that this is taking the piss

37 replies

Gizmo79 · 04/06/2017 13:27

Okay, so will try and make this short.
Yesterday my husband hadn't decided if he was going to go and play his hobby (haha I am happy to say what it is if anyone cares!)😄
Fine, it was left like that overnight. So we have 3 kids, 11,3 and 4 months. I have been sleeping downstairs so he can sleep away from the baby, he took over at half 5 and I crawled upstairs to bed, and then gave the baby back at 7 as apparently he was hungry (he wasn't). Anyway, I asked him (via text so as not to holler downstairs) if he could take the baby so I could get a bit more sleep. In he comes all dressed up to go, and informs me he is leaving in five minutes and thought I was asleep. He then did the annoying thing of ' well I won't go if you don't want me to' which pissed me off, as he hadn't decided he was going the last time we spoke, he was going to leave the house with me not knowing he wasn't there, and I have basically had no time to myself for the last 4 months. I tried to have a night out a while back, and had to cut it short as he wasn't coping with the baby. I am just fed up that he buggers off for the whole day, left at 8am and won't be back til 6pm, and I am just expected to get on with it, when I don't ever get a break.
Even when I pop to the shops I get guilted about the baby crying, so I just take the baby with me now.
Husband also boasts about how the 3 year old just plays in his room happily when I'm not around, whilst I get the usual 4 million questions and playing lego with him etc.
Sorry, just ranted there! I needed to vent somewhere. Doesn't help that the poor baby is teething like a lunatic and acts like Hannibal Lecter when anything comes within reach!

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 04/06/2017 13:32

I would require video evidence of a three year old playing happily in their room before I believed that one!
YANBU. He's being a selfish twat.
What's the hobby then?
Is it outing? Wink

DangerousBeanz · 04/06/2017 13:36

He's being a selfish arse.

But I would have said that I didn't want him to go or said that if he's going out today then you get a day off next weekend to compensate. He's got 3 kids this shouldn't be new or hard for him he should be able to cope with a baby.

VimFuego101 · 04/06/2017 13:40

'Wasn't coping'... why the fuck can he 'not cope' with his own child? You'd be doing him a favour to go out for the day and leave him with them so that he learns to cope.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/06/2017 13:40

He's a dick, isn't he.
But to some extent you're facilitating him being a dick.
You should have said "yes actually I DO fucking mind you swanning off for 10 hours when I've had almost no sleep and you managed all of 1 hour looking after the baby before you felt you needed to hand him back so you could get ready"

You need to be firmer in pointing out that you need help.

Purplemac · 04/06/2017 13:42

Sorry but I'm still stuck on you sleeping downstairs so he can sleep away from the baby?! Please tell me you have a spare bed somewhere downstairs and you're not on a sofa??

Allthebestnamesareused · 04/06/2017 13:43

I care what the hobby is and need to know Grin

BandeauSally · 04/06/2017 13:45

Wow! If he doesn't want to sleep with a baby why did he have a baby? Confused do people really give so little forethought into their life choices?

UsaNayme · 04/06/2017 13:47

I bet it's cycling, it's always cycling

He's an arse. You need to have a proper discussion about your expectations with regards to child care. Do you have anyone who can occupy the kids for an hour so you can have an adult talk without him using them as pawns to get out of it

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 04/06/2017 13:51

Stop being a martyr..say yes you do mind him going out if you havent slept. No you wont take the baby after only an hours sleep. No you wont sleep downstairs, he can on work days and otherwise he can stay with you and help. And go out yourself and dont feel guilty.

MrsSpenserGregson · 04/06/2017 14:16

I am certain that the hobby is stupid bloody cricket.

OP YANBU

I still cannot forgive my husband for swanning off to play cricket every Saturday when DS was a newborn and I was beyond knackered, and throughout my second pregnancy. I suffered with nine months of "morning" sickness and had a destructive, later-to-be-diagnosed-with-dyspraxia toddler to entertain, plus I have a long-term health condition which causes me chronic pain and mobility issues. He was enjoying himself in the sun with his mates. For those who don't know: cricket matches last all bloody day and include loads of sitting around relaxing and "bantering" when their team is batting, coz only two of the eleven players go on at once, plus lovely meal breaks (catered by a bunch of women who serve up food to the menz wtf). In the meantime are you getting a nice sit-down and someone bringing you a full cream tea back at home? Thought not.

Put your foot down now OP. Tell him that he's taking the piss and that he can't carry on as before now that he has the responsibility of being a parent. Cricket will have to wait a couple of years. I'm still a little bitter, eleven years later Sad even though we have worked through it since, as I just cannot completely get past the utter selfishness of it.

DH and DS are playing cricket right now...

sofreakingtired · 04/06/2017 14:29

I'm another betting on cricket - my DH has (reluctantly) been forced agreed to only play in the evening matches while DD is very small. He will play occasional Saturdays depending on my agreement... you really have to step in and tell him it's not on OP. It took a whole load of tears convincing my hubby that it's was only one year and he really could live without it. We still all go and watch when they're at home. I'm one of those odd bods that actually enjoys it though...

RibenaMonsoon · 04/06/2017 14:35

Do you both get hobby time? If not why not? Why is his hobby more important than yours?

Doesn't have to be a hobby, you could sleep, get your nails done, go out for coffee with friends. That hobby time needs to be split between you.

If he doesn't like it then he should have thought about that before having children.

He sounds extremely selfish OP. Don't put up with that!!
Xx

pigeondujour · 04/06/2017 15:37

Isn't it so fucking annoying when someone says "I won't if you don't want me to". Here's what I want, dickhead. I want you to not put the onus on me to make you not be a selfish bastard. I want you to WANT to make my life easier as you indicated you would during that party we had with the celebrant where I wore the nice white dress.

fuzzywuzzy · 04/06/2017 15:42

He's the dc father. He's been there from day one. He can jolly well cope without you for a few hours.

Start going to shops without the dc and turn phone to silent and don't check it till on way home.

Work your way up to longer trips away e.g. Nights out.

He'll cope if you're not there to be taken advantage of.

Honeybee79 · 04/06/2017 15:44

I reckon cycling.

He's been fucking selfish, but then you need to read him the riot act or he'll just carry on.

Why is he sleeping away from the baby?

And why can't he cope with his own child while you go to the shops/have an eve out? He needs to be forced to cope - leave him to it. Of course he can bloody do it, he just doesn't want to.

Viserion · 04/06/2017 15:44

Can't be cricket, he'd have had to commit to the team before this morning to avoid them cancelling the match, unless they got in touch overnight to say they were short of a man.

My money is on golf. That takes all day too.

CleopatraTheCatLover · 04/06/2017 15:45

He's a useless twat, that would severely piss me off.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/06/2017 15:47

What's the hobby?

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/06/2017 15:50

Why did he agree to have another baby if he can't cope with babies? Presumably he managed with the other two? Well enough to boast he's some kind of superhero with the happy playing 3 yr old Hmm?

There's nothing wrong with a hobby and it's great he has one however it's unfair he gets to go out and do it undisturbed all day while you get your evening cut short.

Why did you go home anyway? He knows enough to not kill the baby surely? You should have stayed out. You have to stop letting him do this to you.

Original poster
Gizmo79 · 04/06/2017 16:10

Sorry, had to escape the house for a bit, so dragged the kids on a nice long walk before the weather turned a bit vile.
Well, the hobby is rather outing, it's airsoft - similar to paintball but with bb's not paint. It used to be my hobby too....
Why do I sleep downstairs? I guess it's just easier at the moment.
I would go and do stuff, but the idea of my little one crying for hours does not appeal, and it is easier for me to settle him as I b/f, although I have loads of EBM in the freezer.
I guess I'm just fed up of being the one who always thinks of the kids. You know, school applications, days out, clubs, etc. He can't even do them bloody dinner without me telling him what to cook them, and then he has a go at me for giving them what they want (only because I can't face forcing tomatoes down a 3 year olds throat!!)
Ah well, I think I just need wine and sleep😁 Another day tomorrow and I'm sure I won't feel so ranty!

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 04/06/2017 16:36

Thing is your baby will be crying for hours until he learns to settle them. Which won't happen til you become unavailable to return home at the drop of a hat or never leave the house again.

Both of which means he has you right where he wants you.

Baby is presumably warm fed and with a parent. It's not like hes been abandoned. And I very much doubt he wants to listen to him.avream for hours either so as soon as he does know you are not returning he will sort it out.

MrsBobDylan · 04/06/2017 16:46

Next time he says 'I won't go if you don't want me to', cheerfully reply 'oh good, cos I don't. Here's the baby, I'm back off to bed.'

Does it really matter if it makes you the bad guy? He sounds a bit shit and is lucky you're willing to stay married to him.

Original poster
Gizmo79 · 04/06/2017 16:49

Oh, and the reason I cut my night out short was because he texted to say the baby had been screaming since I left, so I rang (stupid I know) and the baby was true enough, screaming his little head off.
I guess a lot of you are right, I just can't bear to hear little ones scream and cry, especially when I know just how slow moving my husband can be in picking up baby cues. He will unfortunately wait until the baby has almost exhausted himself screaming before thinking about sterilising a bottle ( I have tried to be the one who can't hear the baby crying) and I get so frustrated at the apparent lack of adequate thought, that I do end up giving in and sorting the poor screamer out.
Right, some nights out will be planned (even if it's just to the cinema😄😄) gutted I have missed the new Alien film now! Any suggestions for a film?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gizmo79 · 04/06/2017 16:52

MrsBobDylan you are absolutely right, but then I get stuck with an extra child for the day - as he has a history of stropping a wee bit.
I do just tend to bite my tongue a lot, and I know I will this evening as I can't be bothered with the door slamming into if I'm not in a great mood when he returns.

OP posts:
WillowWeeping · 04/06/2017 16:55

I tried to have a night out a while back, and had to cut it short as he wasn't coping with the baby

There is absolutely no excuse for this. Any decent DH would persevere even if they had to spend the entire evening jiggling the baby in their arms whilst pacing the floor