To think parenting isn't a joke?

[Dontgiveaflyingfuck]

Last week a friend sent me a link to an article about the mental load and it made me think. I'd never really sat and thought about how much parenting DH does and decided that as we were away on holiday for a week and parenting should be 50/50 it would be a good chance to tally up the actual split. DH barely lifted a finger all fucking week even refusing to shower dd3 (aged 2) in the mens showers which meant i had three children to shower and dress (camping on a beach) every night in a tiny cubicle. He didn't change one nappy in the whole week or dress a child or pack a day bag. He did cook one meal - a barbecue - but even then made his food first so the children were starving.

On the way home today i asked dh to change dd3s nappy. Poor mite has a bug and i'd dealt with four lots of vomit by this point and just had enough of bodly fluids. He asked why he had to do which made my blood boil but i calmly pointed out he hadn"t changed a nappy all week. He replyed "oh damn you noticed, i thought i'd got away with it". I got cross, he said it was a joke and is now cross i am cross. AIBU to think this isn't funny?

He'd be gone if I were you. I have no time for that.

Why have you allowed him to behave like this? You are enabling him not to have to contribute to family life by doing everything yourself.

Why did you put the camping stuff away? You should have left it for him and he didn't do it in time, you'd have been late for church and seeing your mother - he could have done the explaining. Why can't he iron the school uniforms when he's ironing his work shirts? (Does anyone actually iron these days - I put everything in the tumble dryer!)

Have you come across the thread where the fil is asking the son and dil to take his wife in if he dies first? She's totally incapable of looking after herself apparently. This'll be you in a few years time If you continue to enable him. Ok perhaps an exaggeration. But you see my point, right? It's not fair on you and it's not fair on the children. Try this book, it's good. Your husband definitely needs to read it. There's also one for boys.

The barbecue was partially my fault to be fair

Like hell it is.

He is a father to three children who cooks and stuffs his own face without thinking of the children's food? Does he have some kind of impairment or does he simply not give a shit about any of you?

You don't have a husband you have a fourth child and one who behaves like a teenager.

Dear god. He needs a wake up call. Hope he actually listens to you.

I started doing the "do you want to do this, or this?" Thing as otherwise my dp wouldn't seem to know or see what needed doing or just happily leave it to me!! this is at home, though. On holiday we are much more equal.

The worst thing about your op is the fact that he happily ate his own food without even considering that the kids didn't have theirs. Selfish, thoughtless and twattish behaviour.

Quite neonrainbow. It never ceases to amaze me on here how women manage to be with a man for countless years and produce multiple children with him and then suddenly realise he's a dick. How does this actually happen?

I mean if he's a lazy twat with the first kid, he's hardly going to improve, so why keep having them?

I agree. really selfish behaviour.
I doubt he even notices how hard you work. Don't be a martyr suffering in silence.

Why didn't he change any nappies or dress any of the children?

To be fair, I think we tend to think they will adapt once the first DC is there (after all, we aren't expert mumsbat this point, we know we also will need to learnt new tasks, and his to fit in everything to make things work around a baby. I certainly had the conversation about how he would need to step up and do more.
I don't think its seems such a big deal before kids, as it is a lot easier to leave DP to not have things done if he doesn't bother, or to just do stuff yourself,and still have some leisure time.

For me, having kids was when the load became hard for one person, but you think perhaps its the baby phase, and he'll be better when they're a bit older?
One of the things that made me realise we were going nowhere, was asking him repeatedly not to read a book and ignore his DCs when he was 'playing with them', which was the reason he gave why he couldn't help me with something. I could have accepted that quality time with the kids was a good enough reason, but ignoring them in the same room, so they came and found me to ask for anything - that broke my heart :-(.

I don't think your main problem is the mental load It's the fact that he expects you to do all the physical load!

You need to stop being a martyr.

Takeabreakthatslife is right you will have less work if you get rid.

It's taken three children for you to notice he doesn't bother parenting?

Dd 1&2 are DHs step children - they have a good relationship with their Dad so although DH has been in the dds lives since 1 and 3 he has a different relationship with them. Dd3 i expect him to parent!

I showed him the two articles today and he apologised. He said he has simply never stopped to think about how much i do. He is actually putting dd3 to bed tonight and washed up from tea so is clearly trying.

I've never said this before but LTB

Why do you put up with it?!

If I notice my husband slacking slightly (which is rare), I'll tell him straight! As he would to me. It's a partnership.

I don't understand why you would have 3 kids with someone this useless and disrespectful...

I get what you're saying. If you are a family unit, you are a unit. He chose to be with you and you have children. He cannot cherry pick the bits he wants and not bother about the other bits. Your first 2 children are not these other bits or baggage. They need him to treat all 3 children the same. I think your expectations also need reevaluating on this point too.

Your first 2 children are not these other bits or baggage.

Sorry, I just thought that this is so important it's worth repeating in bold a few times.

Your first 2 children are not these other bits or baggage.

Your first 2 children are not these other bits or baggage.

Your first 2 children are not these other bits or baggage.

He has no respect for you.

Don't let him make a token effort for a day and then it all slips again. Things should change. Start saying 'your turn, I did it last time' when a nappy needs changing, child needs taking to bed and so on. Don't ask, just state 'your turn'. He's got a massive deficit to make up for.