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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think parenting isn't a joke?

70 replies

Dontgiveaflyingfuck · 03/06/2017 22:10

Last week a friend sent me a link to an article about the mental load and it made me think. I'd never really sat and thought about how much parenting DH does and decided that as we were away on holiday for a week and parenting should be 50/50 it would be a good chance to tally up the actual split. DH barely lifted a finger all fucking week even refusing to shower dd3 (aged 2) in the mens showers which meant i had three children to shower and dress (camping on a beach) every night in a tiny cubicle. He didn't change one nappy in the whole week or dress a child or pack a day bag. He did cook one meal - a barbecue - but even then made his food first so the children were starving.

On the way home today i asked dh to change dd3s nappy. Poor mite has a bug and i'd dealt with four lots of vomit by this point and just had enough of bodly fluids. He asked why he had to do which made my blood boil but i calmly pointed out he hadn"t changed a nappy all week. He replyed "oh damn you noticed, i thought i'd got away with it". I got cross, he said it was a joke and is now cross i am cross. AIBU to think this isn't funny?

OP posts:

OwlOfBrown · 03/06/2017 22:46

Well he sounds like a prize twat.

It's not that he thinks parenting is a joke; more that the joke is on you. It sounds like he knows full well that he's not pulling his weight but is quite happy to snigger inwardly as he knows you're doing it.

If the link about mental load is the same one I saw last week, then you'll know that the point of it was that you shouldn't have to ask - a partner should just do what needs to be doing without having to be told what needs doing. However, if you've already fallen into the trap of managing the parenting then you will need to do some telling, I'm afraid.

even refusing to shower dd3 (aged 2) in the mens showers which meant i had three children to shower and dress (camping on a beach) every night in a tiny cubicle. So don't ask him (as that makes you the manager), or tell him (as that makes you bossy), negotiate with him. "Whose showers do you want to do tonight - DD3, or DC1 & DC2?" And then whichever he chooses, you swap the next night. (If all your DC are young enough to need help with showering, then they are all fine to be in the men's showers.)

Pinkheart5919 · 03/06/2017 22:51

Yanbu

When a couple decides to have a baby, both parties should be prepared to do equal share of family stuff. Imo a parent that doesn't even change a nappy is a rubbish parent!

Being a parent isn't only about the fun stuff, it's about changing nappies, bathing them, feeding them, dealing with illness etc as well.

I could not be with a man like that

TheNaze73 · 03/06/2017 23:32

Did you decide on this arrangement before you had children?

Pumperthepumper · 03/06/2017 23:34

What a dickhead.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/06/2017 00:53

What a dick.

CBeebiesaddict · 04/06/2017 06:16

Why did you wait until the end of the holiday to discuss it? I would have discussed it on the first day. But YANBU that he should have done 50%. Toughen up and don't let it happen again.

KC225 · 04/06/2017 07:03

You should have addressed this earlier. Not changing any nappies, child, nappy, wipes - your turn. What are you making tonight as it's your turn? I'll sort this out you do the kids back packs. Surely that would have been easier than silently seething and ruining your holiday.

The above you can chalk up to laziness added and abetted by you but what kind of a grown man makes food himself before kids in nappies. That's not right.

youarenotkiddingme · 04/06/2017 07:27

He's a chancer - but clearly because up til now he's got away with it.

The question now is - will he change and step up now he's been rumbled?

kateclarke · 04/06/2017 08:10

If a man tells you who he is then listen to him.

That is all.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/06/2017 08:27

Show him the mental load article. And the article titled 'my wife left me because i left my dishes by the sink'. Personally I wouldn't put up with it although it might be difficult to unpick things if you've been doing everything for so long. Start small eg he does 50% of nappies when home, them work up to half of everything.

YogiYoni · 04/06/2017 08:30

Your issue is not the joke.

Your dh is the joke.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 04/06/2017 08:30

I think you need a new H

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/06/2017 08:31

I'd have snapped long before the journey home. Not helping shower the kids and serving himself food before the kids, selfish twat.

Start thinking about dividing up the chores and don't let him sit on his arse when you're running around like a blue arsed fly.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/06/2017 08:36

If you want to save your marriage, you need to sort this out, it isn't fair.
With my dh, saying 'would you prefer to change dds nappy or shower dd1?' Type phrases works.

unapaloma · 04/06/2017 08:36

I can't imagine ever making my own food first and leaving 3 small kids hungry, mine or anyone elses, how could he be comfortable doing that? I suggests a total lack of empathy for his children, which will be v hard to you to 'improve'.
Also, could the bug your DC caught actually be from his BBQ not bing properly cooked? I wouldn't trust someone with his attitude to bother making sure their food was cooked through...

PuckeredAhole · 04/06/2017 08:37

This Would not stand in my house.

cheesydoesit · 04/06/2017 08:39

I wouldn't bother trying to salvage anything. If you have to negotiate with your husband in order to teach him to give a shit about his own children then what's the point? It's only giving you more to be responsible for.

takeabreakthatslife · 04/06/2017 08:41

He sounds like an absolute cunt why are you with him? You'd probably have less work to do if he wasn't around making a mess.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 04/06/2017 08:45

Was he even around the kids? How did he get away with not changing one nappy?

Original poster

Dontgiveaflyingfuck · 04/06/2017 08:49

The barbecue was partially my fault to be fair - the dds don't eat much meat so i'd suggested pasta for them. I thought DH had registered that as i said it as I put the pasta in a pan ready to cook on the camping stove and took dd3 off (shes obssessed with fire! Not a child to have near barbecues). When i got back DH hadn't lit the camping stove - apparently i hadn't been clear enough with what he needed to do. Personally i'd have cooked the pasta while the barbecue was warming up - mostly cos once fed the kids would run off to play and we could eat in peace. But i probably should have asked DH directly to light the stove.

I am quietly seething as right now he is in bed whereas i've put all the camping stuff away, done two loads of laundry and sorted small people. He said we could do it all later but we are at Church at 10 a.m. and meeting my mother straight after and have tea at hers and this evening i need to iron school uniforms and then hes back at work tomorrow 9 a.m. till 7 p.m. so fuck knows when later would be. And yes im overprotective but i don't like the stuff lying around where the dds can get hold of it - gas canisters, fire flints, mallets...

I am going to send him both articles and have a proper chat. I guess its got this bad because i've never noticed. I've always just assumed he was pulling his weight - i mean hes a functioning adult!

OP posts:

neonrainbow · 04/06/2017 08:53

Well you've managed to have 3 kids with him before you noticed he's a useless twat.

seoulsurvivor · 04/06/2017 08:53

OP he is taking you for a mug.

cheesydoesit · 04/06/2017 08:56

I hope he listens to you but from your posts it sounds as though he prioritises his preference and just runs with it without caring about the effect on his family. The pasta was not your fault and you are not overprotective. Stop blaming yourself, you're giving him an out. He is a functioning adult. He can function perfectly well to achieve something he wants. It's good that you have had enough. Keep your resolve and stop doubting yourself. I hope DD is better now too.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/06/2017 08:57

Tell him to get up and play with the children, do the ironing etc. Don't let him cop out.

ElspethFlashman · 04/06/2017 09:03

But i probably should have asked DH directly to light the stove

Why? Is he intellectually disabled?

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