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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Psychological abuse towards DD

42 replies

ohh · 03/06/2017 19:19

Please help!
My DD 13 has said very often recently that she does not want to visit her dad my ex. We split up when she was 18 months as he was controlling to the extreme.

DD has been brought up by my other DH along with her SB and B. Incidentally she has always known him and called him Dad much to ex,s annoyance.

Expected as a teenager to want to be with her friends more as we all did as teenagers. She does this the weekends she is with me.

Basically she babysits at her others her new 2 year old B and gets taken for granted. Told that new B is more important as he is a boy to carry on name etc..(told you he was a weird one.)

Has just come back from holiday with them to her SM place of birth, rang me mid way to say she was given the silent treatment for 2 days as stood up for herself and SM. He also banned her from snap chat or contacting friends even though I pay for the phone!

When DH picked her up she was very quite and then started to silently cry. Gently asked her what was wrong and she basically sobbed her way through a 2 hour drive telling him everything he did wrong. DH suggested having a break from ex for a while so not so often seeing him as DD is emotionally drained every other weekend and knackered from waking up early with SB.

DD has said last night and today she wants ex dead so that SM and SB can be free from him as well. It took me 11 years to break away!

I said to DH " Right she is not going anymore for a while as its damaging for her." DD agreed.

Now she is saying that she has to go for her SB and SM sake to protect them! I said "No, she has to choose if she leaves him ,you cannot protect her"

I want to put foot down as her response is his control. He said to her that "if he died no one would go to funeral"

Advice?

Don't think she is strong enough to tell him herself. Last week she told him she hates him.

She looked so wrecked and emotionally rung out. Worried about it all night.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 03/06/2017 19:24

I think you are right, she shouldn't see him, or at least not for more than an hour or two (no overnights). And i think you should tell her its your decision, made to protect her, rather than putting her in the position of having to decide.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 03/06/2017 19:28

Refuse to let her go. Take charge. Pay for her counciling and help your DD find a way forward.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 03/06/2017 19:33

Get this girl some therapy asap. Please or this will haunt her in life. I speak with experience.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 03/06/2017 19:35

If she really has to go limit it to 2 hours

AnathemaPulsifer · 03/06/2017 19:37

No more overnights, use your judgement whether meeting once a fortnight on neutral turf would be good for her. And I agree with a PP who recommended therapy for her - ask your GP for a referral.

RandomMess · 03/06/2017 19:37

I would put your foot down too an get her help asap

Whatsername17 · 03/06/2017 19:37

Do not let her go. Are you on speaking terms with the SM? Could your dd just see her for a couple of hours every now and then or contact her on social media or email?

PeaFaceMcgee · 03/06/2017 19:40

Oh poor darling. He's a shit and she's old enough to decide never to see him ever again.

What a lovely girl you have to want to protect the partner and her brother. Your support is excellent

youarenotkiddingme · 03/06/2017 19:42

What an absolute sweetheart she is. Her caring attitude shines through her actions.

But yes she needs just an hour of needs be or stop contact completely.

If she's close to SM are you too? Could you support her to leave and DD keep up the relationship with her baby brother?

Ginorchoc · 03/06/2017 19:42

Can her SB come and visit you and like others say shorter visits.

TatianaLarina · 03/06/2017 19:51

Step up and take control, she's not to see him for the foreseeable future. It's the same principle as getting out of an abusive relationship. No contact until she has distance and can deal with him, which may be never.

Nor is she to take responsibility for her SM - she can't help her and SM is an adult who has to figure out her relationship for herself.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/06/2017 19:59

Do not let her go there under any circumstances. What she needs is therapy so that she can discuss what has been happening to her and she needs to understand how wrong it is.

It really is dreadful when she is feeling a level of responsibility towards another adult but in your shoes I would try to make contact with her and explain what has happened. This could be the wake up call that she needs to escape herself.

Emotional abuse is illegal now. The teen years are so impressionable too, going to him will leave its scars.

In your shoes I would also block him from her phone, FB and what's app or consider changing her number.

She seems so afraid of him - take that power away from him, tell your DD that his actions are designed to hurt others like a bully. Tell her you will protect her and he will not be able to hurt her.

DJBaggySmalls · 03/06/2017 20:04

He sounds like a narcissist, please get her into counselling and stop the visits. She needs to learn that she cant protect the others, she's a child herself. She's not responsible for his actions or their consequenses.

AliCat36 · 03/06/2017 20:24

Take the decision-making away from her, it's not her responsibility. You need to protect her. His behaviour will cause her huge damage. She shouldn't have to tell him she's not going either, you need to tell him.

She sounds like such a lovely,caring girl, wanting to protect her SM & SB but she needs to know that's not her responsibility either, it's up to SM to protect them both.

It's lovely that she has your DH as well as you to care for her and help her to break away from this abusive man.

UnbornMortificado · 03/06/2017 20:27

That's awful. I'm guessing the stepmother wouldn't be able to facilitate her keeping in contact with her brother either by the sounds of it.

I'd stop contact and report his behaviour towards the stepmother/brother to children's services if you think it's bad enough to warrant it.

HappyFlappy · 03/06/2017 20:30

What a wonderful daughter you have raised that she cares so much about her step-mother and baby brother - to the extent of putting their good above her own.

Other posters are right, though - you can't let her take responsibility and risk her physical and mental health. You have to be the one to stop these overnight/long visits because if she chooses to stop, and something awful happens (God forbid, but it might), then she would carry that guilt forever.

She still needs to have contact with her brother and his mother, so do let days out etc continue, but she is too young to be worrying about adults and their relationships - she can't protect anyone without putting herself at grave emotional risk.

Also - your ex is undermining her and destroying her self-esteem with every comment out of his stupid, selfish mouth. Don't let this happen.

TatianaLarina · 03/06/2017 21:03

I disagree in this circumstance, because abusive men use all avenues to continue control and manipulation of the women around them. Contact with the mother and son will simply allow him to continue his control of DD. DD will continue to be locked into the dysfunctional abusive setup. She will continue to worry and feel the need to protect SM etc.

It's sad but the only way is to go no contact in exactly the way as she would if she were in an abusive romantic relationship.

If SM manages to get away from this awful man, then DD can resume the relationship. If not, when DD is older, has had therapy and recovered from the abuse, if she feels strong enough to resume contact that's up to her.

Original poster

ohh · 03/06/2017 21:04

Thank you so much lovely ladies for all your input. My darling husband has said always she will need counselling. DD already knows that her D is controlling and a liar.

We never have bad mouthed our exs as my DH has a previous marriage as well with a son, DD SB eldest. Always thought that best. Ex has wedged himself by telling DD things i have supposedly said (i never talk to him its always by text) and she got really upset thinking i said she could stay a few hours longer one weekend. My DH showed her the actual message he sent me and my reply (all nice!) and she was shocked and said " he lied to me again".

Luckily ex lives 60miles away. He is one sick individual that is why when i was told we had a daughter and she was placed in my arms i felt a huge urge to protect her from him! Divorced at 4 months. After 10 years with him.

Talk breifly at the door to SM and have said to DD she can come here with her son or somewhere neutral to keep bond.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohh · 03/06/2017 22:27

Also forgot to mention that he has cloned her phone so he can see where she is what she has text etc. Thats why we gave her another phone to go on holiday with.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 03/06/2017 22:32

Has he cloned the phone you bought her? Can you break that link with your phone company?

RandomMess · 03/06/2017 22:34

Yucky yucky yucky

Original poster

ohh · 03/06/2017 22:40

There is a distant relation of his that has a funeral on Monday early that he told DD that she "has to go to show the family support and if she does not go then as far as he is concerned she is finished with the family!" Ex is not even going himself he is getting his sister to take DD. Its miles away.

ps She is possibly not going now (allow not telling her till am)

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 03/06/2017 22:51

Not possibly. She's not going full stop.

She's far too young for all this OP, you need to step in and be a parent and take the decisions out her hands.

Original poster

ohh · 03/06/2017 23:14

I was not going to let her go but she was like "oh i could go for the wake and not the whole day" realistically its a no no as too far away to do that.

Thinking of others again and not herself my poor darling angel.

Await fall out tomorrow and I will update you all. Texting ex re not going and telling DD. She keeps saying "wish he was dead a lot easier" must be terrified of him.

She also protects me by making me stay in car when i drop her off!! Although I'm very whatever if he says anything to me!

Talking to her tomorrow re no contact and then sending her out with friends to de stress.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohh · 04/06/2017 12:50

Update😁 Thank you to you lovely people for your backing. So far a very happy DD. Just text ex thus am that not going to funeral as distant relation and school more important. Although taking her to doctors to try and access counselling. DD has blocked his number from her phone. Also his sister and mum. She was terrified that I would say she doesn't want to go. Poor child. I showed her message. It read "I have decided that she is not going to funeral tomorrow as school instead".

Weirdly I felt sick all am waiting for her to wake to tell her. Think o was worried about her getting flack.

OP posts:

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