Psychological abuse towards DD

[ohh]

Please help!
My DD 13 has said very often recently that she does not want to visit her dad my ex. We split up when she was 18 months as he was controlling to the extreme.

DD has been brought up by my other DH along with her SB and B. Incidentally she has always known him and called him Dad much to ex,s annoyance.

Expected as a teenager to want to be with her friends more as we all did as teenagers. She does this the weekends she is with me.

Basically she babysits at her others her new 2 year old B and gets taken for granted. Told that new B is more important as he is a boy to carry on name etc..(told you he was a weird one.)

Has just come back from holiday with them to her SM place of birth, rang me mid way to say she was given the silent treatment for 2 days as stood up for herself and SM. He also banned her from snap chat or contacting friends even though I pay for the phone!

When DH picked her up she was very quite and then started to silently cry. Gently asked her what was wrong and she basically sobbed her way through a 2 hour drive telling him everything he did wrong. DH suggested having a break from ex for a while so not so often seeing him as DD is emotionally drained every other weekend and knackered from waking up early with SB.

DD has said last night and today she wants ex dead so that SM and SB can be free from him as well. It took me 11 years to break away!

I said to DH " Right she is not going anymore for a while as its damaging for her." DD agreed.

Now she is saying that she has to go for her SB and SM sake to protect them! I said "No, she has to choose if she leaves him ,you cannot protect her"

I want to put foot down as her response is his control. He said to her that "if he died no one would go to funeral"

Advice?

Don't think she is strong enough to tell him herself. Last week she told him she hates him.

She looked so wrecked and emotionally rung out. Worried about it all night.

Glad you've taken over.

I would ensure every text you write includes "I do not believe x is in DDs best interests" or similar.

Good for you OP.

So glad that you're in charge again. Her welfare is paramount. He's an arse.

Yes. We are not going to mention no contact in a fortnight when he is due to see her again yet. Told Dd that ringing doctors tomorrow 're counselling. She said shouldn't it be social services. I said no I'm only interested in your emotional and psychological health. She is much happier and came back early from being out with friends to come home.

Without causing a firestorm, was your previous relationship multi-cultural and this is a fallout of what your ex views your daughters place as compared to western society?

My DD had counselling aged 10/11 and found it really helpful. It gave her someone to talk to who wasn't directly involved. It was a bereavement and she was trying not to upset me (it was her brother) which of course she shouldn't of worried about but you can't stop them feeling the way we do.

Not sure if it's a national service but it was butterwick hospice who did hers (they do other counselling not just bereavement related) pleased to hear she seems happier.

Is this contact court ordered?

If not, why on earth, given the hell he put YOU through, would you think he'd treat her any differently?

You sadly have done her. O favours by not giving her the information she needed (the truth about him and why you left him) to help protect herself fro him.

No, he shouldn't have any access to her, and if he is going to cut her off because of this funeral, brilliant! Take him up on the offer of having him remove himself from your lives (sadly he won't, but absolutely block him)

He has no rights to do this and she is well able to state her wishes in court if need be to this effect.

If you haven't already seen it, the Stately Homes thread under Relationships may be useful to both you and your daughter. Folks in there have plenty of experience with the kind of behaviour you are describing from your ex. And I'm pretty sure will advise no contact with your ex based on what you've said.

I say this as a mum to a ds, his father was abusive and it took me years to get out.

My son has always been told the age appropriate truth. I couldn't run the risk of him growing up idolising his dad.

This stuff is hard, your dd is lucky to have parents that do look out for her. You both need to sharpen up a bit and realise the monster you're dealing with. Give him no space on your lives, or he'll try to hurt you.

I would take advice from a solicitor. Your concerns are serious enough to warrant a reconsideration of any access agreement. As a 13 year old she will have a say. I am not sure how it works anymore but other MNs will know better.

My DD has has similar abuse from EXH her father. It takes a toll. Make an appointment for her to see her GP. She needs support and this abuse needs to be documented. You probably need support too. Best wishes

You have to stop her going, get her some counselling. You are free of him but she isn't. Same thing happened to be after my Mum left the family home, left the DC behind, she had escaped him but not the DC, by sending her to him you are doing same. He has likely got worse with age.

Ok Ladies. A few bits of history. Answers questions.

Stopped contact and was lucky as he worked away when DD 18 months. Refused access. Not due to controlling narcissism; that is just the tip of the iceberg; he was developing a taste of prostitutes and young girlfriends. Hardcore porn etc.

Police interviewed him after complaints of sexual nature at work. Told me to try and find his external hard drive. Unfortunately father was high up in CPS and all charges lost.

Took me to court to gain access. Finally he was given supervised contact for 6 months. DD was 2 1/2. Final contact order was then 4 weeks holiday 4 bank holidays, lives with mum.

Have always told DD to be wary of men and enrolled in self defence classes at a young age. When a bit older told her he slept around. EX told her I fell out of love with him!

White British man. Not multi cultural. Has to have the best of everything. I was arm candy wife to exterior people. Not allowed to wear glasses, had to wear contacts; hair regularly highlighted etc.

Always have told DD the minute she is unhappy or wants to come home then ring me, so had a phone at early age! New SM was/is kind to her and felt a bit more safe.

Now we an see when he has been bad at home as SM gets nice things etc jewllery, parents staying form abroad.

Thank you UnbornMortificado . Ringing Docs am.

Yes I do think I would have needed counselling if I hadn't met my new husband. He is very protective (not overly so)and left his phone out in view all the time etc completely not like EX. Adores the children. Older generation.

He always had said he would cut of EX head and S**t down neck if hurt DD. that's why DD unloads to him not me.

Thank you again xx Will not be allowing her to go again until spoken to counsellor.

Quick update. Spoke to school as DD knows the pastoral team due to best friend needing them. Lady rang me and has set up a meeting casual Thursday in school. DD ok with it. Also went to doctors and saw a locum
DD clammed up just said "i don't get on with my dad" when probed a bit more said " but I'm still going to go there" I think this is either because of her AN or fear.

When postman knocked on door she jumped and said "thought it was you know who" Alternates between defiance and fear.

Am said she felt guilty not going to funeral and would ex still love her (As family previously told her there are serious consequences if she doesn't go.) To talking normally about Him. Then it would switch to stomping around the house; was making fairy cakes and I said "we have a good mixer darling " as she was battering the hell out if the mixing she said "i. Taking my frustration out on it"
DD said before went to bed that she was "wondering if my dad would call me" even though I think phone still blocked. Looked concerned not normal.

Woke up in middle of last night with a nightmare (normally a very deep sleeper) now saying I fe I'll. Thus I think is because Ex normally rings her on way to school every day.

I'm leaving her in my bed and when she wakes taking her to school and telling her to at sty there until I can pick her up. Think she thinks Ex will turn up there.

DD normally walks there and home as only 10 to 15 mins away.

Both my children different schools still and start and finish the same time.

X

I have just had a very similar case at work. If it wasn't for the ex being 60 miles away, I'd have thought you were my client, although in my case the girl spends alternate weeks with each parent, and this is set out in a court order.

I rang Children's Services for advice, and to see if it could be a safeguarding issue. They took the view that it hadn't reached the threshold for safeguarding but referred the child to the "Emotional Wellbeing Unit". They allocated a worker who sees the girl weekly and works with her around assertiveness, boundaries, relationships etc.

The girl has now decided that she will visit but not stay over and children's services have appointed a solicitor to get the court order varied. The legal action is being done in the child's name, with a "next friend", to protect the child's mother.

Your LA might have a similar unit. They may be able to help her understand that she is not responsible for keeping SM and SCs safe, and that her first responsibility is to herself.

Lakielady thank you. Contact order I think will have expired as we both mutually altered it. I have daughters phone and can see not blocked now but no contact. But then he could be giving her the silent treatment again. DD might be worried about what he will say or the supposed consequences. Quite happy to stop her going and get him to take me to court. Think something more will happen at school as they have child safeguarding there. So bloody difficult.

I think you do need to seek counselling for yourself too, so you can be the best you can be to support her. Seeing you going through that process may encourage her to engage more.

Don't use your DP as an alternative to therapy, that's not fair on him or your daughter.

And if she clams up, are you speaking for her? Is she happy for you to make disclosures on her behalf? It's better to come from her, but can you help her to open the floodgates?

At doctors DD asked me how far away he lives do i answered
Previously have been told by professionals not to talk the reasons as it looks like it's coming from me not her. That was when she was little. When docs asked about physical touching and inappropriate behaviour DD looked shocked and said no. I said it's not that sort of issue. Doctor said to DD it's best not to put a front up as damaging in the long run. Asked DD if she was doing that and she said yes I do that a bit. You can see doctor looked concerned.

Don't use DH as counselling DD talks to him as she sees him as protector. Talks about to me too.