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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

regarding lending money to friend?

34 replies

Springersrock · 03/06/2017 10:43

DH and I are pretty close friends with another couple.

Last Monday the DH called and asked DH if we could lend him £50 as he couldn't afford to put petrol in his car to get to work - this isn't the first time we've lent them money but on this occasion we didn't have any spare cash (DH doesn't get paid until the last day of the month, plus he takes ages to pay it back) so had to turn him down which then caused a bit of a row.

He basically questioned our spending - our DDs have been sprouting out all over the place and were desperate for some new clothes so we had a bit of a spree last weekend, and we've just booked and paid for our first holiday abroad for years - so he was a bit "well, I can't afford to take my children on holiday" "I can't afford to buy my daughter expensive new clothes", "I'm going to have to cycle to work all week now" (I used to work for the same company and cycled every day, it's 10 minutes along a quiet cycle path)

We haven't talked about any of this to them ourselves, but our DDs are really good mates and they'd been messaging each other/posting crap on snapchat so I'm assuming my DD has mentioned it to their DD

DH runs his own business and next week he's got a massive job coming in which will mean all hands on deck - I'll be there for a few hours each evening as well, so DH apologised we couldn't lend him money right now, but offered friend a couple of days work if he wanted it (friend has asked for work in the past). Friend went mad - accused DH of being patronising, offering him "crumbs" and taking the piss, said we had plenty of money and just wanted friend to beg, before putting the phone down.

I was made redundant a few months ago, I got a fairly decent payout and was lucky enough to get another job straight away. We've used some of the money to pay for our holiday, pay off some debts and have put the rest away. I worked for the same company friend works for so he knows I was made redundant and has some idea of how much my payout was so he seems to think we're being totally unreasonable in not lending him money as I have my redundancy money - I can't get to it easily anyway (I'd have to go into the bank, etc)

Anyway, what really gave me the rage is the PA meme posted on Facebook about knowing who your real friends are in times of need, and then last night DH was flicking through FB and friend been tagged in loads of photos out on the piss for "Dave's" stag weekend.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 03/06/2017 10:46

He's an obnoxious user. Never give him a penny again. He's not a friend. Cut him out.

Fortheloveofdog · 03/06/2017 10:48

Delete and block. Although tempting to post about real friends not using you, they won't take it on board that they are wrong.
He's not your friend, he's an arse.

GeillisTheWitch · 03/06/2017 10:49

so he was a bit "well, I can't afford to take my children on holiday" "I can't afford to buy my daughter expensive new clothes", "I'm going to have to cycle to work all week now

Cheeky bloody bastard. None of that is any of his business and he's well and truly burned his bridges for getting any favours from you now, hasn't he. I'd block him on facebook and blank him in real life from now on.

Alicia555 · 03/06/2017 10:51

How dare he question your spending! It's your money and you are entitled to spend it as you wish! This guy is no friend he's a user at least you have now seen his true colours.

BeyondTheReasons · 03/06/2017 10:52

I have a friend who constantly borrows money and always says I'll pay you back on payday ... I work with her so I know exactly when that is! ... it's been 2 weeks since then and she's paid back £5 out of the £50 she owes me.

Money and friendship do not mix.

WitchesGlove · 03/06/2017 10:53

Has he repaid you when you lent him money in the past?

Could he not just use an overdraft/ credit card?

Emergencies are what banks and savings in a rainy day account are for, not asking friends! Is he not even embarrassed?

ForalltheSaints · 03/06/2017 10:56

Looks like a friendship has ended.

willdoitinaminute · 03/06/2017 10:56

You don't have to justify how you spend your own money. And you are not responsible for how others waste theirs. Hopefully he has learnt that you are not such an easy touch.
My DH is a soft touch when it comes to lending friends money, he has lost one or two friends as a result over the years.

sooperdooper · 03/06/2017 10:57

He's a cheeky fucker and no friend of yours

What you spend your money on is your business, you're under no obligation to bail him out whatsoever

I would cut them out, why be friends with someone like that

WitchesGlove · 03/06/2017 10:57

As a test ask to borrow something valuable of his!

KC225 · 03/06/2017 10:57

You do not have to justify your spending/saving to him or to us. You are not the one asking for money.

He has asked before and has taken ages to pay it back. You are friends not a cash point. You don't owe him anything. I would seriously question their friendship. Let the DC's be friends but I would withdraw after that.

user1493759849 · 03/06/2017 10:58

YANBU this 'friend' sounds like an utter knobhead.

What a cheek. Reminds me of some years ago when some woman at the school - single mum with 4 kids, who had never worked a day in her 20 years of adult life - scoffed at me and DH taking our kids to America. 'All right for some isn't it? Swanning off to America,' with a kind of look.

I just ignored her and looked the other way, whilst thinking 'well, it's amazing what you can do when you work for a living luv!'

DonaldStott · 03/06/2017 10:59

What a cheeky fucker!!!!!!

honeylulu · 03/06/2017 11:00

He wanted the money for the piss up, so not only was he rude and entitled but he seemingly lied. Dump.
I know people like this, who think we should subsidise them because we have more income (though are by no means wealthy). In one case the tables turned and the couple ended up much better off than us but they then expected everything split 50/50. Funny that.
Another friend became a SAHM and expected me to pay for everything when we went out. (It wasn't the money I minded as much as the expectation.) She never offered to help out with occasionally looking after my children though when I had childcare problems, which you'd think would be the obvious way to express appreciation.
I have distanced myself from people like that.

Graceflorrick · 03/06/2017 11:01

This is not a healthy friendship, move on OP.

ohfourfoxache · 03/06/2017 11:06

He's a complete user. Get rid.

Can you keep the dc's friendships separate from yours?

harderandharder2breathe · 03/06/2017 11:11

It's never unreasonable to refuse to lend money to anyone, especially when you don't even have it spare yourselves.

HIBU and a knob to question your spending when he's the one who's got to the end of the month and can't put petrol in his car.

Rubies12345 · 03/06/2017 11:15

I don't lend people money, nothing to do with affording it, it's just awkward, uncomfortable, ends friendships.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/06/2017 11:16

He is a user, get rid of him! None of that should be any of your families business how he gets to work etc!

I will say that the two people I've lent money to, not for that reason but for others, they're now not friends anymore! Both were best/close friends...

Another woman (ex friend) when I was temping and then in a low paid job whilst she was on a cheap friend's mates rate rent and earning good money as a supply teacher, she'd always quibble over £5 towards a cab fare!

ItsNotRocketScienceThough · 03/06/2017 11:19

Time for a "personal/family policy" not to lend money I think!

If they're good friends otherwise then a clear and firm "family policy" or "personal policy" not to lend money would stop money creating any more problems between you.

AnnetteCurtains · 03/06/2017 11:19

Nah , fuck him
His attitude stinks

Oldraver · 03/06/2017 11:20

£50 to get to work (you said it's not far on a cycle path)..what's he driving ?

He wasn't even being honest what the money was for was he ?

Greenkit · 03/06/2017 11:27

Fecking hell, don't lend him any money and stop the 'friendship'

BoredandConfused · 03/06/2017 11:30

You don't have to justify your financial situation to him or to us for that matter. Whether you have the money to lend him or not is immaterial. If you're prepared to ask for money, be prepared for "no" and accept that graciously.
He's not a friend and you're not a bank.

QueenofEsgaroth · 03/06/2017 11:36

Not your friend.

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