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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no th ex taking ds out of school for 2 weeks

46 replies

Mrscaindingle · 03/06/2017 09:43

I have 2 DS with ex, ages 16 and 13, ds1 does not see his dad and hasn't since he was 12 but that's a whole other thread.

Ds2 sees his dad every other weekend, ex lives with gf and new baby, ex contacted me to say they wanted to take DS 2 with them to Australia for Christmas to which I said no as I wasn't happy about the boys, or us as a family, spending Christmas apart. If it had been both boys I would
have agreed although not been happy about it.

Now ex has said they want to take ds2 when they go for a month in Jan/Feb 2018, DS will fly home on his own after 2 weeks. Ex claims to have contacted the school who were "ok ish" about this.I tried to contact the school myself yesterday but was unable to speak with the guidance teacher.

My issues are I'm not happy with him missing so much school and ds2 has anxiety and I'm worried about him flying for so long on his own even if looked after by the airline.

Given it was me who said no to Christmas AIBU to say no again?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 03/06/2017 09:46

No. I don't think you are when missing school is involved. Easter or summer holidays? Totally different. Two weeks of school? No way. Totally irresponsible suggestion on ex's part, in my opinion.

HarveyMalone · 03/06/2017 09:49

A 13 year old flying home from Australia on his own?

mummymeister · 03/06/2017 09:51

Your ex is very unlikely to be given permission to miss 10 days of school under the exceptional circumstances rule. Just phoning is not good enough. he needs to fill in an absence request form. if this is denied if you live in England - assuming that you do - then you are very likely to be fined. surely he realises this? does he not follow the news?

The fines are £60 per parent per child per session with a session recently defined as either the morning or afternoon. if your LEA takes a robust view of this then that's £120 per parent per day or £1,200 each. can he afford to pay his own fine and yours?

You need to go back to your ex. tell him to look up fines for holidays in term time. tell him to look at your LEA's policys and ask him how he intends to pay his and your fine.

Bananamanfan · 03/06/2017 09:52

Also, op, you have a legal responsibilty to ensure your dcs attend school & you are very likely to be fined for the time he misses. (Both parents are fined, regardless of circumstances).

Bananamanfan · 03/06/2017 09:52

Oops x post

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 03/06/2017 09:53

I think you were very unreasonable to have refused Christmas. DS1 is old enough (granted perhaps not mature enough) for any court to accept his decision not to see his dad. But DS2 does and his other family wanted to include him in their holiday.

Most separated and divorced families have to find compromises over holiday periods and special occasion days.

Their latest suggestion is not ideal either but clearly they want to go and would like to take DS2 with them. I would try to meet with ex and a calendar and see if there is another set of dates that might work and agree to those.

notabee · 03/06/2017 10:07

Wrt missing 2 weeks of school, the school are unlikely to say yes anyway.
That said, the chance for your DS to go to Australia is a great opportunity, isn't it?
Is there no chance you'd reconsider Christmas? It would mean no time out of school I'm guessing?
I wouldn't worry massively about the flying alone either. Most 13 year olds are using public transport alone (buses / trains) to meet friends and this is far safer. I get it's a long journey but under 16's are accompanied during fuel refills etc.

Original poster
Mrscaindingle · 03/06/2017 10:07

Yes Easter or the summer holidays would be my first choice but I'm guessing it's not the ideal time to visit Australia in Winter.

I also doubt the school will give permission for this and know ds2 will worry about missing so much school and flying back on his own.

childmaintenance yes I am aware that divorced families have to make compromises.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 03/06/2017 10:11

You should have let him go over Christmas. What right have you to stop that? It's not going to happen every year. I would be very surprised if your child doesn't grow to resent you for that. That refusal has now created this current situation where your ex is wanting to take your child out of school in term time and to be honest I can't say that I blame him.

Original poster
Mrscaindingle · 03/06/2017 10:11

mummymeister we are not in England but I am sure laws are similar.

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 03/06/2017 10:12

YANBU re a term time holiday, School is more important.

However you were VU over Christmas. Your son has two parents, you should have given him the choice. Being female doesn't give you automatic rights to Christmas.

somewhereovertherain · 03/06/2017 10:17

When did the law change to per session. It was 60 per parent per 5 day period so £240 and only kicked in after 5 days

But if the reason is good enough you can still get it authorised. I've not had an issue yet.

For me no issue in the trip or missing school or even flying home alone. Airlines UM service is very good.

But you clearly have or want to create an issue with your ex so it's up to you.

ASauvingnonADay · 03/06/2017 10:20

YANBU re him taking DS out of school for two weeks.

The posted who commented about the fine per day is incorrect, it is per parent per child for the whole absence, although this is irrelevant if not in England (are you elsewhere in U.K., op?).

MozzchopsThirty · 03/06/2017 10:20

I wouldn't allow over xmas either

I'd love to take mine away for xmas but out of respect for exh I wouldn't do it, it's a hard time of year anyway when families are split. So I believe my dcs have the right to see both parents over that period.

I would not be happy about a 13 year old flying home alone, it's not as if it's one flight, there will be a period spent in a transit airport

I also think 2 weeks out of school is a long time, I have no problem with a week or a few days but 2 weeks of missed school is a lot

MozzchopsThirty · 03/06/2017 10:21

In Wales it's per session and you can have 10 before any action
(So 5 days)

mummymeister · 03/06/2017 10:24

somewhere the court ruling recently defined a session as morning or afternoon. It has been extensively on the news recently because of the appeal.

that said there is still flexibility for LEAs so some will take a less hard line. In the past some have said that you can have 5 days without fining but that also wasn't supported by the judgement. so whilst that may have been the case with your LEA previously I very much doubt it is now.

AndNowItIsSeven · 03/06/2017 10:26

The fines are £60 per parent per child per session with a session recently defined as either the morning or afternoon. if your LEA takes a robust view of this then that's £120 per parent per day or £1,200 each. can he afford to pay his own fine and yours?

No that is completely false the fine is is £60 per parent per absence not per session!

ForalltheSaints · 03/06/2017 10:29

YANBU. It's not to visit an elderly relative or for a once in a lifetime event such as a pilgrimage or a family wedding, is it?

ASauvingnonADay · 03/06/2017 10:30

somewhere the court ruling recently defined a session as morning or afternoon. It has been extensively on the news recently because of the appeal.

A session has always been a morning or afternoon, that hasn't changed. Each LA will have a code of conduct which will set out the criteria for a penalty notice, for e.g. In our LA is is 'between 8 and 20 sessions within a ten week period'. Of course this could change and the law would allow it, but I'm not aware of any LAs changing it yet.

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/06/2017 10:31

I think you should have let him go at Christmas. That seems like a missed opportunity and a bit selfish of you.

Missing 2 weeks of school in Jan/Feb isn't on. I also think Australia is a long flight for a 13 year old on their own. Some airlines (such as BA) only look after unaccompanied minors from age 12 or under so he might have to manage on his own. Fine if everything goes smoothly but if there are any issues (flight delays, cancellations) it's a bit rough on a 13 year old to try and sort this own alone (and airline staff will have lots of people to deal with).

agentdaisy · 03/06/2017 10:34

Yanbu about missing two weeks of school.

Ywbu about him going at Christmas. Like it or not your ex is your ds2's parent too and has just as much right to see him at Christmas as you do.

Compromise has to be made in split families and sometimes the compromise is harder on one side than the other. Your ex is trying to include your ds2 in a holiday of a lifetime and changed plans after you vetoed the first one but you still aren't happy. If your ex had told you he was going to Australia for Christmas with his gf and baby so he wouldn't see your ds2 over Christmas then you'd have been here saying he's leaving your ds2 out in favour of his 'new family'.

SpareASquare · 03/06/2017 10:47

YABU about Christmas and it's a shame you played it that way.

YANBU about missing school.

GrassWillBeGreener · 03/06/2017 10:51

Even Christmas is difficult to to UK-Australia trip appropriately without missing some school. It takes the best part of a week to adjust when you get there - both jet lag and the heat. A 2 week trip is very short.

Agree that it might have been worth negotiating around the Christmas trip though. Agree that a Jan/Feb proposal sounds a bad idea unless there are relatives to visit over there, and even then it needs careful negotiating.

As to the travelling home alone bit, I'll give you my perspective. We're planning a July/August trip back to visit grandparents (x3). I need to spend as much time as I can helping my mother clear up to downsize. My daughter spontaneously suggested something that I was running through my head anyway, which is that she and her younger brother could travel home together a bit before I do, if it would help them be ready for back to school and still maximise my time there (their dad will have to stay in the UK due to work commitments unfortunately). She is 14 nearly 15, her brother will have just turned 12.

There are several differences from your situation that make me happy with this as an idea - 1) They've done this flight more than once before and know what is involved 2) they will have each other for company / problem solving 3) actually it is interesting to see how each 6-12 months is making a maturity difference for both of them; I feel easier both about the older one managing, and the younger one cooperating / being sensible!

Good luck navigating this one!

JuicyStrawberry · 03/06/2017 10:59

If you say no and then they go anyway you can't accuse them of pushing your DS out.

BewareOfDragons · 03/06/2017 10:59

Typical parent who rarely sees one of his children. Suddenly wants to be the 'great dad' who takes them on an exciting, exotic holiday ... on your time. Or wants to devalue their education and take them out of school.

The parent who does all the heavy lifting and slogging raising the children, when her ex hardly raises a finger, shouldn't get to waltz in and take them away for the entire Christmas holiday if she's not open to it. Why shouldn't she get some of the December downtime with them, too? She's certainly worked harder for it by actually being there for them during the week in and out drudgery.

And the school time holiday just isn't on. They can during the summer holidays ... if they don't fancy Australia during their winter, too bad. Pick another place to visit then. It's supposed to be about spending time with his children, not where they spend it.