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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no th ex taking ds out of school for 2 weeks

46 replies

Mrscaindingle · 03/06/2017 09:43

I have 2 DS with ex, ages 16 and 13, ds1 does not see his dad and hasn't since he was 12 but that's a whole other thread.

Ds2 sees his dad every other weekend, ex lives with gf and new baby, ex contacted me to say they wanted to take DS 2 with them to Australia for Christmas to which I said no as I wasn't happy about the boys, or us as a family, spending Christmas apart. If it had been both boys I would
have agreed although not been happy about it.

Now ex has said they want to take ds2 when they go for a month in Jan/Feb 2018, DS will fly home on his own after 2 weeks. Ex claims to have contacted the school who were "ok ish" about this.I tried to contact the school myself yesterday but was unable to speak with the guidance teacher.

My issues are I'm not happy with him missing so much school and ds2 has anxiety and I'm worried about him flying for so long on his own even if looked after by the airline.

Given it was me who said no to Christmas AIBU to say no again?

OP posts:
lizzyj4 · 03/06/2017 11:02

YANBU - I wouldn't want a 13 year old travelling that distance on their own, even without anxiety. The fact that ex seems to think it's fine and that he's quite happy to take your son out of school for 2 whole weeks suggests he's more than a bit irresponsible/unplugged.

I also don't think you were unreasonable about Christmas.

Once your son is a little older and, hopefully, a little less anxious he can decide for himself what he feels comfortable with. I'd leave it until then.

ItsNotRocketScienceThough · 03/06/2017 11:08

It doesn't sound as if DS2 would want to go in term time so I think that has to be a no. Easter or the summer might work?

How does DS2 feel about going at Christmas and not spending it with you and DS1?

Could you and DS1 do something brilliant in the Christmas holiday while DS2 goes to Australia with his dad (if he wants to go)? You could have your family Christmas in November or January?

MozzchopsThirty · 03/06/2017 11:11

I'd love to know if those parents suggesting you were BU about xmas are lone parents??

When you're divorced or separated xmas is the hardest time of the year, even for a hard case like me, and I fucking hate xmas.

Anyway yes both parents have a right to see their children at xmas and that is why YANBU about xmas.
Neither parent should not be able to swan off for 2 weeks at xmas leaving the other parent bereft at such a hideous time

Original poster
Mrscaindingle · 03/06/2017 11:18

Thanks mummyofdragons you nailed it really, there is a huge backstory as there always is in these situations but not prepared to go into it here.

My first AIBU and my last, definitely not for the faint hearted (me) but it's given me lots to think about so thanks for your feedback. I did ask DS the last time what he wanted to do but obviously have to discuss with him again, hopefully ex will consider Easter but past experience tells me that's unlikely. Anyway thanks to all who took time to reply.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 03/06/2017 11:59

Mrs - you know your son better than your ex. if you think he shouldn't go then you know him and you know the back story and really that's enough for me to say that you should stick to your guns and say no.

there are clearly lots of other things here which no one commenting knows about. trust your instincts, you are his mum.

you need to be clear with his dad that missing school is not an option and that some other time needs to be found to take him away.

the dad seems to be using the holiday as a bit of weapon to beat you with at the moment and you have to stop this happening. good luck OP. never easy to be in this position.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2017 12:08

mummymeister

you need to be clear with his dad that missing school is not an option and that some other time needs to be found to take him away.

You mean like Christmas?

AvoidingCallenetics · 03/06/2017 12:14

I would have said no to both too. I think that seeing one child but not both is disgusting. Even if your 16 year old has made that choice, he has gotten to that point because his adult father has allowed the relationship to break down.

I also think that taking a child away for 2 weeks over Christmas and depriving them of their other parent and sibling (and vice versa) is selfish and shouldn't be allowed.

I would not allow my 13 year old to travel alone. Not all journeys go smoothly - what if there are delays or he misses connecting flight, or becomes ill. I wouldn't trust my child's welfare to some random airline employee.

I would also not be happy about the potential for fines.

Welshrainbow · 03/06/2017 14:21

To be honest I think you were being unreasonable about him going away at Christmas, now they've suggested another time yes it's a bit inconvenient that it's in term time but as a secondary teacher of a core subject I would still allow it if it was my son. School work can be caught up on and it's not an exam year. A trip to Australia can be just as educational albeit in a slightly different way. I'm sure there's a massive backstory here but honestly by vetoing him going over Xmas I think you've left yourself open to this and should agree to it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/06/2017 14:40

Yanbu and I disagree with posters saying you were unreasonable over Xmas too.

If one parent does virtually all the parenting , the donkey work, the school stuff, medical appts etc all the hard graft whilst the other barely lifts a finger then it's only fair they get the lions share of the good stuff too.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2017 14:58

Willyoujustbequiet

If one parent does virtually all the parenting , the donkey work, the school stuff, medical appts etc all the hard graft whilst the other barely lifts a finger then it's only fair they get the lions share of the good stuff too.

So the child should miss out/be punished because of how the mother feels?

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/06/2017 15:50

Boneyback

Depends on the scenario. I don't consider a child spending Xmas with his resident parent and siblings as missing out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2017 15:58

Willyoujustbequiet

As I see it, DS2 is missing out because of a decision made by his mother and brother.

CatsInKilts · 03/06/2017 16:05

So if your ex is staying there for a month, presumably he's not going to be taking any responsibility for ensuring that DS2 catches up on 2 weeks of missed work?

He's also going to leave a 12yr-old with anxiety to fly home by themselves, so not taking any responsibility there either.

I would say no and suggest revisiting the plan when DS is a little older and perhaps more likely to be able to cope with the return journey alone.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/06/2017 16:22

Boneyback

Hardly. The DS has anxiety issues yet the dad expects him to fly from the other side of the world by himself?

And as others have mentioned if any school work is missed it's left to the OP to sort.

It's selfish on the dads part. Not the OP

pigeondujour · 03/06/2017 16:56

As I see it, DS2 is missing out because of a decision made by his mother and brother.

Not really though, because the trip he'd be missing out on was only ever an option because his dad saw fit to table a proposal that would necessitate him not getting any time with his mum (who again, does all the shitwork) and brother, nor them any time with him, over Christmas. As a separated parent you're not at liberty to just plan long haul trips that mean your kids - or rather, the one of your two kids with whom you have a relationship- have to pick a parent for the whole Christmas period, and then let the resident parent be the bad guy for saying no. If he wanted to take him away with his 'new' family at Christmas he could've done a few days in Spain or a holiday in the U.K.

pigeondujour · 03/06/2017 17:00

And actually, regardless of what's gone on between them, the ex should be extending invitations to both boys, every time. Even if he knows DS1 would never say yes. He's the parent.

Zampa · 03/06/2017 17:07

Is there a contact order in place? Does this define contact and holidays?

If not, and holidays are to be separately negotiated, YABU to refuse both proposed times.

mummymeister · 03/06/2017 17:57

Zampa - she is most definitely not being unreasonable in refusing 2 weeks off in term time. there are fines in place for this. what if he decides not to pay and they end up going to court?

Christmas is a whole different issue. none of us know how anxious this child is.

MissDuke · 03/06/2017 18:07

OP I don't think you are unreasonable at all. Both parents should get to see the children over Christmas so I see were you were coming from there and two weeks out of school at that age and flying home alone??? No way!!! I wouldn't want to fly so far alone now never mind a child of that age. It would be so boring and lonely. I think you are totally right to object to this. Good luck op Flowers

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2017 18:13

Willyoujustbequiet

The reason for him going in term time is because the OPwon't let him go at christmas.

pigeondujour

Yes the Ex has tabled this as the other DS won't see him.

So why should the child miss out?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/06/2017 18:15

I said no as I wasn't happy about the boys, or us as a family, spending Christmas apart

So his father isn't his family?

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