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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about this new relationship

38 replies

Lookingforabetteryear · 02/06/2017 22:06

So I have one dd aged 4. With dds father I had a bad experience , he was cruel and nasty and we broke swiftly after dd. Anyway early this year I met a new guy , he's a few years older , divorced , has kids , fellow professional. All going well , we have a holiday booked in September already. But he's vey regimented , he likes to meet say three times a week for dinner n stay over / go out if we have sitters . We often take kids out too. But I feel that he'd never just pop around and seems to think he's v v busy when doing normal life tasks eg. Going the bank/ car wash . Makes me feel that life is v planned n regimented . He also suggested to me that he is unsure if he'd consider marriage again in future (something i DEFO want). He's nice and we have fun. I fee im leading / being v keen whilst he's happy to not see me as much as is possible . Is this a normal set up or is it odd?!J

OP posts:
pictish · 02/06/2017 22:11

Maybe you're incompatible. He wants a girlfriend like a hobby...an edition to his life, a companion, someone whose company he enjoys...you're looking for the love of your life to settle down with.

Neither of you are right or wrong, you perhaps want different things.

pictish · 02/06/2017 22:11

*addition even

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 02/06/2017 22:12

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 02/06/2017 22:19

B

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/06/2017 22:21

You think it's odd. He doesn't. You have to decide if the different expectations are a deal breaker. If they are, don't waste time dithering. It will fester. Him being 'nice' and 'fun' sounds like you're settling, TBH.

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 02/06/2017 22:23

Thank you . All this is really insightful

OP posts:
Louiselouie0890 · 02/06/2017 22:49

I do t think k it's a case of is it weird. I think it's a case of you being ready for two different things. He wants a girlfriend Companion whatever you want to call it. You want more. Sounds like your not compatible as you both want different things.

ChildishGambino · 02/06/2017 22:51

I think this is kinda cool...I wish DH was more 'regimented'. At least you'll have a clean car with fuel in it.

He honestly sounds ace, all else being well.

ChildishGambino · 02/06/2017 22:52

Maybe it's only feeling 'odd' because you're old blokes were useless?

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 03/06/2017 07:03

Thank you - yeah I did wonder if this is normal relationship as its not even been six months. He has added me onto his "in a relationship status" on Facebook - lame I know but some sigh of commitment. He's also told me he loves me. I just find it odd that he isn't desperate to see me n just wanting to nip over !! Maybe it's me...

OP posts:
pictish · 03/06/2017 08:06

Maybe he just doesn't need to be with someone every spare moment he has.

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 03/06/2017 08:07

True . He may be healthy one

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 03/06/2017 08:12

He already has a life. Children, job etc. Getting together with someone at this stage is very, very different to doing so when you're free of responsibility. There is only so much "free" time - and three times a week is ALOT.

On another note - you met him earlier this year, it's not been 6 months yet and you're already taking the kids out together? I'm amazed at how quickly people blend their families - why the hurry?

emilybrontescorset · 03/06/2017 08:14

One thing I've learned is that there is a huge variety in how people do things.
My ex was a bit like your new chap.
Even though we were incompatible, I've still kept to some of the routines he showed me and it has made me more organised.

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 03/06/2017 08:14

I guess people blend them to increase the time spent together , but yeah point taken

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 03/06/2017 08:16

So you see him roughly every other day? And the relationship started this year?

Sounds like perfectly normal behaviour to me. It's quite sensible really not to rush into to spending every second together. It's too early in the game to start questioning his commitment I think (based on this anyway).

It's probably because you're used to the big OTT displays of emotion that you get from a DV abuser that he seems a bit underwhelming at times.

SmileEachDay · 03/06/2017 08:18

To increase the time spent together? Really? Is that the rationale?

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 03/06/2017 08:20

Yes I do think there is an element of that . Being told I'm incredible by abuser in past so probably think that's how a relationship starts ... This guy says nice thing of course just not ott

OP posts:
Garlicansapphire · 03/06/2017 08:21

I have to admit I would like a guy like this. if you've got kids then you need to give them proper time on their own. It seems quite early to be merging famillies and each others kids - Id be more cautious about that. Plus I also have a lot of friends I want to see and I like time to myself so I'd probably like to see someone less than 3 times a week!

Do you really need to rush right in and give up everything else? Enjoy having a dating relationship for a while so you don't put all your life and reliance on the relationship and him - have some independence and space around you, particularly if you've been through a messy break up before. You should also be protecting the kids from potential break up and heartbreak. But if ultimately that is what you want then you aren't compatible - you want different things.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 03/06/2017 08:22

My friend has met the love of her life. Second time though, so they see each other once a week and every other weekend. The rest of the time they are getting on with life. Where are you rushing to? Do you feel insecure? Would marriage PROVE his love in some way?

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 03/06/2017 08:28

Yes I do think that it's good to have quality time with child. I think I'm just watching all my friends get married etc and think I'm 31 and not making similar progress . Sounds silly written down

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 03/06/2017 08:30

I think i also worry about him having been with someone for 13 years as it seems such a huge amount of time n I wonder how to compete with that... I sound crazy now I'm writing all this

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StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/06/2017 08:35

From life observations "exciting and unpredictable" tend to get drunk/gamble/take recreational drugs/never turn down a bit of skirt/have a penchant for slapping their women about ..... where as Mr Predictable and Steady tends not to do any of those things.

Only you know whether you want to buckle up for a rollercoaster ride or ......

Original poster
Lookingforabetteryear · 03/06/2017 08:46

Yes you're right and I've certainly experienced the above issues with past men.

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 03/06/2017 08:48

I think you're lucky to see him three times a week as it is! You both have jobs and children and lives of your own already - how can you expect any more of his time this early on?

Relationships where both parties have children are very different to ones where neither of you have that kind of commitment. I've been with my fiancé a year and we see each other spontaneously all the time - but neither of us have kids so there's nothing to stop us going out midweek or at the last minute if the weather is good.

He sounds very sensible to me. Even with DP, we still spend plenty of time apart as we both have jobs, hobbies and friends we want to keep up with even though we're engaged.

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