To feel like there's no point in me working too?

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

I really want a job. Actually, I'd like a career but I'm not sure I have any skills!

I've been a SAHM for 6 years, with 2 DC and the youngest will start full time school in September.

Any job I can get is minimum wage, and I probably wouldn't get it anyway

I calculated what I can get working a full time job at minimum wage, and it doesn't cover childcare. (Not even close!) But also, what I would earn in a month is lower than DH's day rate. It doesn't feel like I'd be bringing anything to the table. It's so depressing and I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.. (feel free to flame me, I deserve it!)

The idea of making my own money, feeling like I'm making a difference to our family and having a bit of self worth seems to far out of reach.

It seems largely pointless to be apart from my children, pay for the privilege and have no benefit from it. Doesn't it?

Im being unreasonable, I know.

I became a TA via an agency. I did the OU "Supporting Learning in Primary Schools" course before that - which took 9 months. It's very easy to find TA work through agencies.

www.thecompleteuniversityguide.co.uk/courses/301029

Though I wouldn't necessarily recommend this as a career path as the pay is rubbish with no hope of career progression unless you become a teacher (would you fancy that?).

YANBU to feel this way, but I would be a little bit worried about your DH's attitude. The fact that he said it was "his house" and that he feels you doing some sort of retraining is too long and costly is a red flag to me. So it may be worth doing something.

I volunteered while I was a SAHM and they offered me a paid job when one came up. My highest level of education is GCSE so the volunteering really helped me.

Why aren't you on the house? It is your family home, unless there are particular circumstances in should be in both your names - no matter whether you are working or not.

OP, you sound a bit defeated. I'm not surprised as your dh sounds very unsupportive but try to look at things more positively. You have a degree in English - that is way more education than most people have. You have work experience. You have significant recent volunteering experience. you are going to end up in a job that you love - whether it be waitressing, retail, or something else entirely. If I were you I would look around for some job, any job and see how it goes.

The argument about childcare costs does my head in. Unless it will result in you being unable to pay bills or put food on the table, then of course working will be financially better eventually. You won't always have childcare costs, they should be split with your dh anyway, you will progress, and you will get pension benefits. There was at least one year when I took home less than childcare cost - so a net deficit and many years when it broke even. But I have a decent pension pot, made lots of friends, felt I contributed something and enjoyed the work.

In that case I don't think it matters that you're not named on the mortgage

I know you mean in the event of a split but even if happily married, it would matter to me. As an adult contributing to the family I expect to be joint owner of the house with the other adult. You are grown ups in a joint enterprise of marriage and rearing a family. Why wouldn't she be an owner of the family home?

Especially if he made a comment about "it is my house".

Two of the lovely ladies I've met through volunteering at the citizens advice bureau sould like they have similar stories. Both are loving all the learning and the training provided is fantastic! It can definitely lead on to a paid role elsewhere and you can fit it around childcare. As a generalist advisor you learn about so many topics from consumer issues, benefits and debt. It's helped me in my own life many times.
Best of luck to you x

I'd also recommend voluntary work first, to give you an idea of what you'd enjoy and be good at. I was in a very similar position to you and didn't want to go back to my first career: teaching (you do actually still need childcare for primary school-aged DC if you are a teacher, as you have to be at your school before theirs starts and stay later than theirs finishes). I realised that I loved working with the elderly and now work in 2 different roles with this age group, one paid and the other unpaid. I've discovered skills I didn't realise I had, become part of my local community, made friends with people I wouldn't otherwise have met and become a far more confident person. Any or all of these could lead to higher earning employment, should the need arise.

Regarding childcare, have you considered having an Au Pair?

Good point pall

I'm married but not on the mortgage, i made bad money choices when I was younger with credit so it was just easier this way. I still contribute to all the bills x

Actually I totally get where you are coming from OP.

The best Ive ever done is to retrain so i could have a career too.
It also rebalanced our relationship (quite amazing at how earning money changes the dynamics really).
And i felt much more like myself.

If you dont think you can something more than minimum wage, then look at it the other way around. What sort of job would you enjoy doing, a job that wouod be 'wortwhile'? Then retrain.

If you want to work, work. So what if you don't have anything left over at the end of the month after childcare, there is more to working than money if you find it stimulating and fulfilling.

I work full time, despite having not a lot left after childcare (2 in full time nursery, one breakfast and after school CM) but i do my job because i love it and I need to work. Even if I had no money at all left I would still do it because its important to me.

I'd look at career options and if they involve retraining (which they probably will) then I'd try to get into a college/university for September.

I think your husband has a bad attitude and wonder whether he'd be earning the same if he'd had several years off.

I completely understand your desire for some independence. You also need to think about what will happen when the children have left home. I think you need to put the thoughts about how it will all fit in to the rest of your family's lives and think about what you would really like to do with your life. Do you really want to be a social worker? Or was that something you thought would fit into to the family as the kids got older? If so, reapply. If you had caring responsibilities that took you away from the course you had a good reason for withdrawing, but now you're in a position to dedicate yourself to it?

You need to fight your DH a little harder on the idea that a 3 year degree is too much, or that it isn't "worth" you taking on a job that will require sacrifice from him or the rest of your family. Cost out what it has cost so far for you to give up your career and raise a family. What would you most likely have been earning by now? How much would you be earning in 10 or 20 years' time? Point out that this has been the cost of having children and him working late while the quip about the house may not have been the way he thinks about the set up all the time, it is clear that there is a piece of him that feels that way, and there is a piece of you that feels that way too, so it is vital to you, that you become financially more viable. That while it might be a sacrifice for the family, it's about time they picked up more of that instead of pushing the entire burden on to you. Remember also that, in the long run, it will put the whole family in a better financial situation. Look for what career you want and insist on your DH's support.

You have a legal right to be named on the deeds of your house. As I said, I was in a similar position to you...

OP, it sounds as though you want a job at least in part because you feel you have nothing of your own.

That's terrible. You are raising your children but you feel all the money in the household is your partner's, you're not even on the deeds of the house you contribute to. You feel guilty about buying him a present with "his" money. Do you ever get to buy anything for yourself? A lipstick, a computer game, a screwdriver, anything?

How much would he pay in childcare if you weren't there?

I think he should immediately start transferring you money to be your money to spend on whatever the fuck you want.

I bet he has no issues buying himself stuff, does he?

It's shocking that you're not on the mortgage OP. You've contributed equally to your family by raising your children and you are absolutely entitled to have your name on the house. What's your husband's reasoning for not putting your name on it?

Could you look at working from home, maybe through apps in your mobile or something. Ok, this isn't a career as such but I do lots of bits from home and I do find it more fulfilling than my previous pre kids career. Take a look at www.themoneyshed.co.uk for some ideas. Alternatively, feel free to send me a pm. Maybe you could do a bit of this alongside studying.

As you already have a degree have you considered doing a postgraduate course? You would be eligible (assuming the course and institution are) for a Government Postgraduate Loan that could pay your fees.

I'm sorry to say your DH's responses are somewhat alarming and undermining.

It's not as simple as saying 'just put someone on the mortgage' if like a PP said they have a bad credit rating or don't have an income. The risk profile will be affected and will determine how much could be borrowed and at what rates.

TAs don't even have to have a degree - I know plenty of secondary TAs that don't. It is getting more competitive, but you have nothing to lose by trying.

I think, tbh, I'd be looking to retrain if I could. If your DH is on a good salary, you can point out that a) you can afford it, b) it's an investment in your future earning potential and your ability to support the family if something went wrong and c) you'd just like to!

With a degree and previous career experience under your belt, you'll be able to get work paid better than the minimum wage - but you might want/need to do some volunteering first. As others have said, that way you can work it round your childcare.

Brownies/guides etc and scouts are in the evenings, but are always desperate for volunteers. The national trust constantly needs volunteers, and there are always charities looking for trustees. If you can donate a day a week CAB usually want people, and the YMCA also frequently need volunteers. Food banks are topical at the moment as well.

Could you ask to be named on the mortgage/deeds? Would you like to be?

Could you set the money up so that as well as the main joint account you each have some "pocket money" for buying presents etc, so that he can't see what you've bought.

Contributing to looking after the kids and the house is a valuable contribution too.

Could you realistically get a job working in a school? Maybe as either admin or even lunch time staff. You then get to work school hours and your off when the kids are.
If your husband earns so much, why does it matter if childcare is more than your wage? Split the cost. It's about having something for yourself, not just having an income. Loads of people start on an entry level job and work through a company. Don't sell yourself so short :).
Maybe try some volunteering at a local charity, you can bolster your cv, meet new people and learn some skills that may help the job search. Even if it's only for a year, it's still a start.

Even if your marriage is very happy, having both of you working means that if one of you becomes unable to work, the other can still bring in a salary. My FT salary would be about half DH's; we both work part time, but it would make more sense financially for him to work full time (even with the additional tax). However he's had real health issues over the last couple of years. We are very lucky he's kept his job - and that's only because it's sedentary. Had he been a tradesman or teacher, he wouldn't be working now. I've always worked, albeit very part time, partly for my mental health, but also so that we aren't completely shafted if DH is unable to work. 3.5 years ago he was completely healthy - it can happen to anyone.

What was it about Social Work that appealed to you? If you were interested in working with vulnerable families you could see about becoming a family support worker? Or volunteering with someone like Homestart?

What about studying part time with the OU? I work full time and my DH does the childcare. He has also studied for his degree and is half way through a Masters. It takes a lot of discipline but it has done a lot for his confidence, which of course benefits all of us as a family. It's not about the money - it is about having something that is "yours". Your partner should support you to fulfill all of your potential - not just what suits him.

Best of luck OP.

@chickenjalfrezi Yes fair enough, I hadn't thought of that. But such a scary vulnerable position to be in for OP.

Could you reapply for uni again? If it's not money you need then surely do the thing that makes you the most happy?

I would have thought with a degree and previous experience you have the potential to earn more than NMW. But even if for the moment you're only covering child care costs, over time your earning power will increase and childcare will reduce. Many of us went through the early years of paying out our whole salary on childcare. Also, think about the long term and paying into a pension for your old age

Work is about so much more than just the pay cheque anyway. You are clearly a capable woman with skills and qualities to offer - go for it