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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vow renewal

40 replies

princesspinkypants · 02/06/2017 14:04

My husband and I have been married 10 years. I'm his longest relationship and marriage (there were a few) We always said we would renew our vows. He has adult children who I am very close to and we have 7 grandchildren. We have them to stay a lot and they mean the world to us.

When we got married we went abroad and paid for 10 adults and 1 infant. This is the wedding he wanted. It wasn't great as everyone argued and their were huge conflicts, the 2nd week on our own was bliss!! I hate looking at the photos and all I feel is sadness when I think about our wedding.

We have always had to keep certain family members apart and also certain friends from family and certain friends from other friends. Birthdays and Christmas are exhausting! We often have 5/6 desperate christmases.

So to celebrate 10 years we want to renew our vows. I want the big party with a fairground etc, grandchildren to be fully involved, friends children to be involved. I want new wedding photos with all those we love in them especially the grandchildren. A big affair with everyone we love, it's one day, surely they can't all cause unrepairable damage in one day. I just want the wedding I didn't have.

DH disagrees and thinks the whole thing will be a nightmare and too stressful, he knows I have to have everything perfect and I will want it to be a perfect day but he says this is unrealistic with those we love! They will not behave and it will be months of bitching and backstabbing before we even get to the day.
He wants to go away just the 2 of us.

I don't need to renew my vows, we are very much in love, I feel like we renew them everyday. I just wanted us all to be together for a really fun day and make it special with new memories and new pictures. Not just family but everyone we love. AIB a spoiled little madam. Reading it back I know I am but I can't help but still want it. I have told him we will go away just the 2 of us and renew privately but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 02/06/2017 14:09

compromise - big 10th anniversary party - vow renewal away just you 2?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 02/06/2017 14:12

Agree with ghosty. If you don't need to renew vows then have a massive party. Hire a field then you can play games etc and enough space for people to stay away from people they don't wish to speak to

Original poster
princesspinkypants · 02/06/2017 14:16

I thought compromise would work but it's the having everyone together. Even a party would cause problems. He says we would have to foot the bill for accomadation for some etc and then others would moan and the whole thing would spiral. Then others would get upset that others were there etc.

He just doesn't want the hassle which I understand I just wanted one day though. He is right I know he is and ultimately it's me he is trying to spare from being upset and stressed. Plus the money spent to ensure everyone could attend etc would give us a really fab time away. I don't think I'm even upset at DH, just the situation. Why does everything always have to be so hard.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 02/06/2017 14:47

Surely all the issues of keeping sets of people apart will still be there though?

StatisticallyChallenged · 02/06/2017 14:51

Can you choose a smaller group? We rented a house and went with a group of close friends - and associated kids. No family except a sibling who is part of the group. We had a lovely time with no stress

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 02/06/2017 15:20

Vows don't expire.

If you want a big party, have one.

If I was invited to a vow renewal I would be wondering who cheated.

StatisticallyChallenged · 02/06/2017 15:22

There's always one who comes out with that.

Laiste · 02/06/2017 15:24

If I was invited to a vow renewal I would be wondering who cheated.

Shock

I've always fancied a vow renewal with DH. Never occurred to me anyone would be thinking that! (always pictured it being just the two of us though)

PaintingByNumbers · 02/06/2017 15:28

Grin yup its definitely a 'recovery from infidelity' thing
in ops case, not, but I bet lots of people will be wondering anyway
op, from the way you describe it, with lots of arguments and separate christmases etc, yours sounds like a rose tinted glasses version of the reality - chaos and fighting! can you see any way it will work without people falling out?

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 02/06/2017 15:29

If I was invited to a vow renewal I would be wondering who cheated. I see that view quite a lot on mn & I don't get it but that may be because the few vow renewals I've been to were for couples who originally had very small weddings & fancied something bigger 10/15/20 years later.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/06/2017 15:30

So is the bickering between grown up children? If so can't you just tell them to suck it up for one day, treat them all equally and get on with it?
If they're that bad I'm not sure why you would want to risk it if there's no telling them.

PurpleDaisies · 02/06/2017 15:32

I don't understand the whole vie renewal thing either. Why not just have a big anniversary thing instead?

You have my sympathies over the family situation though. It gets so wearing having to plan when it's so difficult.

Floralnomad · 02/06/2017 15:37

I agree about vows not needing to be renewed unless they have been broken , it's what most people automatically think if they get invited to a vow renewal . Frankly in your case it all sounds like a massive headache and in a few yrs you will be wanting to do it all again for the same reasons that you are doing it now . Sorry .

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/06/2017 15:37

If I was invited to a vow renewal I would be wondering who cheated.

Me too. Vows don't expire so the only reason to renew them is if they have been broken.

Having a party to celebrate his longest lasting marriage seems a little crass.

Ellie56 · 02/06/2017 15:39

Why do people need to "renew vows"? If they haven't been broken surely they don't need renewing? Hmm

Run4Fun · 02/06/2017 15:46

I think vow renewal are usually associated with infidelity because a lot of celebs have vow renewals. I remember Sharon and Ozzie Osborne did it after he admitted to having 'indescrtions'/an affair (dressed up as a sex addiction) during their marriage.

KC225 · 02/06/2017 16:01

Gosh, it would never occur to me that someone had cheated if I was invited to a vow renewal. I would a assume if was a small/not quite the original wedding they wanted and it was an affirmation of their vows.

If you are planning a fun fair etc. Why not have your own mini festival and suggest everyone camps out. Everyone can scramble up a tent or borrow one. You don't pay for accommodation. Providing you book a big enough pitch people don't really have to be near each other.

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/06/2017 16:03

Unless it was part of a big wedding anniversary party such as ruby 40 or golden 50 we always assume one of the parties has cheated! Just have a party instead!

Laiste · 02/06/2017 16:08

:(

crap. i was looking forward to a vow renewal with DH but not if half the family will think one of us has been off shagging around. This is a revelation to me!

I wanted to do it to have the 'wedding' we both wanted in the first place but didn't get due to family pressure. Just us on our own somewhere lovely.

nocoolnamesleft · 02/06/2017 16:15

I'm afraid I'd also tend to presume that if a couple are needing to renew vows that were taken until death do them part, it would mean that someone had broken them... It might not necessarily be the case, but it is where logic leads.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/06/2017 16:39

I never thought of it as cheating. I always hoped to have one in the future when we got skinny so I could get a wedding dress I actually like 😂 Might be a bit odd at an anniversary party

DonkeyOaty · 02/06/2017 16:42

Yes I would think someone has cheated, too.

Just have your party #kneesup

yorkshapudding · 02/06/2017 16:43

Another one here who associates vow renewal with infidelity I'm afraid..I thought everyone did Confused

OP, I think your DH is just probably trying to spare you from experiencing the disappointment you felt about your wedding all over again. Unless your relatives have undergone a dramatic transformation, they are likely to be just as badly behaved at (or in the run up to) this event surely? Unless you can just not invite the people who made the first wedding so fractious?

PeaFaceMcgee · 02/06/2017 16:47

Yep, vow renewal = the vows have been broken and need to be 're-done'.

They don't expire or get weaker over time. You want an anniversary party, have one. Wedding vow renewal seems a bit showy and crass to me.

But in your case OP, it's the warring factions that's your problem, I agree with your DH x

PeaFaceMcgee · 02/06/2017 16:49

Wedding dress MiddleClassProblem ? Is that what the wife normally wears to a renewal?! Shock

Seems even more crass now... Sorry Smile