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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vow renewal

40 replies

princesspinkypants · 02/06/2017 14:04

My husband and I have been married 10 years. I'm his longest relationship and marriage (there were a few) We always said we would renew our vows. He has adult children who I am very close to and we have 7 grandchildren. We have them to stay a lot and they mean the world to us.

When we got married we went abroad and paid for 10 adults and 1 infant. This is the wedding he wanted. It wasn't great as everyone argued and their were huge conflicts, the 2nd week on our own was bliss!! I hate looking at the photos and all I feel is sadness when I think about our wedding.

We have always had to keep certain family members apart and also certain friends from family and certain friends from other friends. Birthdays and Christmas are exhausting! We often have 5/6 desperate christmases.

So to celebrate 10 years we want to renew our vows. I want the big party with a fairground etc, grandchildren to be fully involved, friends children to be involved. I want new wedding photos with all those we love in them especially the grandchildren. A big affair with everyone we love, it's one day, surely they can't all cause unrepairable damage in one day. I just want the wedding I didn't have.

DH disagrees and thinks the whole thing will be a nightmare and too stressful, he knows I have to have everything perfect and I will want it to be a perfect day but he says this is unrealistic with those we love! They will not behave and it will be months of bitching and backstabbing before we even get to the day.
He wants to go away just the 2 of us.

I don't need to renew my vows, we are very much in love, I feel like we renew them everyday. I just wanted us all to be together for a really fun day and make it special with new memories and new pictures. Not just family but everyone we love. AIB a spoiled little madam. Reading it back I know I am but I can't help but still want it. I have told him we will go away just the 2 of us and renew privately but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
princesspinkypants · 02/06/2017 17:17

Oh gosh!! No infidelity here! I didn't realise people viewed it like that. I always thought it was just a reaffirmation of your love. We just always said we would do one at 10 years.

We would not be celebrating that I was his longest marriage, I agree that would be crass, it was just so as not to drip feed.

It's not just family, we have friends that need to be seperate both from each other and members of the family as well as members of the family that need to be seperate. Both mine and his. It makes for a real nightmare every big occasion. Although we normally manage with small groups but we couldn't really exclude any of the incompatible because they are very important to us and I couldn't do 6+ partiesGrin

What DH is saying is that whatever we wanted to call it by the time we have paid for it, organised it, spent money on accomadation etc etc, ( I said about the festival feel but he pointed out that at least 10 family members / friends would refuse this and I would then pay for them to stay somewhere because I would want them there) food, fair etc etc it's the same cost as a wedding and as a pp said I will probably want to do it again because it would go wrong again!

I just wanted a redo, I just wanted our grandchildren involved, our friends there, memories and photos I could cherish. Party or renewal makes no difference really it's all the same problems and outcomes.

Feeling very sad as it's all dawning on me that I do so much for everyone and we can't even get one day. I think just the 2 of us it will have to be. I'm fighting a losing battle to argue it because I know he is right. Which I hateGrin

I guess it doesn't really matter, as long as we have each other that's all that's matters.

OP posts:
Laiste · 02/06/2017 17:47

I guess it doesn't really matter, as long as we have each other that's all that's matters.

Plus now we've found out that it's taken as a sign that one of the couple has cheated it kind of takes the shine off! humph.

2014newme · 02/06/2017 17:49

Just have a big party. You don't need to renew vows, they don't run out.

Original poster
princesspinkypants · 02/06/2017 17:53

No I don't mean it like that. I was just trying to see the positive in something that has really upset me. I just wanted to make a new memory with everyone around us, new photos, have all the grandchildren involved in some way. Just a redo really. If that's what people think about vow renewals fair enough, I have never seen it that way. regardless renewal or party it clearly wouldn't work and would just be the usual shit show we try desperately to avoid so yes, I guess the 2 of us will have to suffice and I'll have to be happy that we are happy.

OP posts:
MyOtherNameIsTaken · 02/06/2017 17:55

I guess it doesn't really matter, as long as we have each other that's all that's matters

This. 🥂

Original poster
princesspinkypants · 02/06/2017 17:56

Sorry laiste, I just re read your last post. I thought you were being a bit narky but now I see you were being funny. I'm very tetchy at the moment! SorryFlowers

OP posts:
2014newme · 02/06/2017 17:59

Your issue op is that your guests can't be trusted to behave and there is a risk they will spoil the event

Original poster
princesspinkypants · 02/06/2017 18:11

The event, the lead up, the after. We still have issues from our wedding that are brought up.

I have conflicting friendship groups to. 4 of my close friends all dislike each other and then they all dislike one or more of my step children and vice versa. Then some of the siblings don't get on and then some of the partners don't get on with the siblings. Then you add in jealousy passed down from children to grandchildren and my family issues and then cousins etc the whole thing is a mess.
Then wider friends don't like close friends etc. It makes life very hard.

I'm just upset that I do a lot for everyone and we put things on hold to help people out weather it be financially or with childcare or emotional support and I know I'm being selfish and petulant but I just want to stamp my feet and say I want a redo/party whatever!

I would just for once like everyone to come together and be happy. But DH says I'm asking for the impossible and so I'm making him look at holidays now and we will just do a nice meal and toast to us. It really isn't about the vows, it was more about having a redo, I've lost 4 stone and I just wanted to have nice photos with everyone in that I could look back at and smile. Without feeling sad but I don't think that will ever be possible. I am still shocked that the view on renewals is infidelity though! I just wanted a big party with photos I could be happy about and new happy memoriesSmile

OP posts:
2014newme · 02/06/2017 18:13

I think in your case it's not worth all the aggravation and stress.

Have some new photos taken with your dh if you want.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 02/06/2017 18:17

Vow renewals are weird. Doing another "wedding" won't magic away the bad memories you have around your original one either.

An anniversary party sounds like a great idea. You can probably exercise more control over the guest list, and there are fewer things to organise and have go wrong. Make it as fancy as you like. I like the idea of an anniversary ball. There aren't enough balls these days.

Floralnomad · 02/06/2017 18:22

I would look at how much money you would have spent on this day and either go on a lovely holiday or buy yourselves something lovely , not worth the aggro.

Original poster
princesspinkypants · 02/06/2017 19:04

Thankyou everyone. I do think it's not worth the Agro but it doesn't make me want to do it less. I love the ball idea. I think DH is right and is just trying to spare me upset and wasting money on something that prob will not end up being the great day I was after. I really wanted to do something special with everyone but I just don't think it's possible.

I think we just going to scrap the renewal as that was not really what it was about. There is no point doing a party or anniversary because everyone we would want there are who causes all the problemsSad

So I think DH and you all are right. A really nice getaway for the 2 of us and we may or may not do a little ceremony thing on the beach with sparklers or something beach friendly just to mark 10 years. He says we are better off keeping seperate Christmas, birthdays, bbqs etc as every time we try to bring everyone together it blows up on me usually and we are better being stressed over doing 6/7 seperates of the same day than getting them all together.

So a lovely sunshine holiday it is. Still a bit sad about it all but I think there is no other option. Thanks for all your advice!

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 02/06/2017 19:35

PeaFaceMcgee you can wear what you like as you do for a wedding, plenty go for the dress, some wear their old dress, some wear a non wedding dress. I don't give a crap if you think it's crap. I had body issues due to my health and could wear a dream dress so if I want to do it I bloody well will.

OVienna · 02/06/2017 23:07

OP your situation sounds complicated but I am v curious about how they all developed!

I regret not renewing my vows with DH in Vegas with our girls, just the 4 of us, girls in outrageous bridesmaid costumes. No infidelity! But DH thought it would be weird. Sad

OVienna · 02/06/2017 23:09

I think you should go for your big do and the renewal is what I am saying.

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