intrusive thoughts

[musicmomma]

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I've suffered with ocd my entire life and have had counselling, cbt, psychotherapy and medication. I finally got it under control last year, and we began to try for a baby.

My son is now 8 weeks old and the fucking ocd is back. I obsess over the idea that I might hurt him in some way, all sorts of awful things and this leads me to have panic attacks and not want to be left alone with him.

I've spoken to my hv about this and she said this can be common for new mums even without a history of ocd. Have any of you experienced anything like this before?? Please let me not be the only one I feel so disgusted with myself and like I don't deserve my baby

Its not unheard of but I think you need to seek assistance from a professional as soon as possible.

I'm going to counselling next week for this. I would never hurt him I love him so much but why do I get these visions

Poor you, it sounds very distressing
Remember though that you have had this under control so obviously have the inner resources to manage it. Try not to panic, because as horrible as they are, they are just thoughts (and intrusive thoughts are surprisingly common) Are you able to use any of what you learnt from your CBT sessions?

Yes thankfully I am drawing on my coping mechanisms. I don't feel any kind of urge, just a what if kind of dread. I just came on here for some reassurance that I'm not evil.

I've had thoughts like this my entire life and I've never hurt anyone ever. Or animal. My sister used to have a punch bag and I could barely bring myself to hit that! Babies are so fragile and it would be so easy to hurt them through carelessness or accident so I suppose this must be why my thoughts are going off the scale. I have post natal anxiety I'm constantly worried about his health etc I think this is some kind of extension of that??

Go and chat with your GP as soon as possible. It is so common.

I don't have ocd, but I did have terrible intrusive thoughts after all of my children. I still have them now, but I don't suffer with them if you see what I mean. I have learned to let them come and go.

I won't tell you some of the things I thought because they are really quite disturbing. I know that they are not real and they are not me. They were like nightmares I had while awake. I never felt like I wanted to hurt my children or felt that they were in any danger from me. I didn't trust anyone else with them though.

Mine were made worse by hormonal contraception. I am so much better since I stopped taking them.

I hope you feel better soon and congratulations on your new baby.

Thank you homely xx

I have my post natal check up on Tuesday I will mention this then hopefully my Dr can help me x

I had the same when my youngest was a baby. I'd think of the most awful scenarios and not be able to stop the thoughts. I'd torture myself with the intrusive thoughts. Someone I worked with admitted to the same. It's horrible but is passed with me. I don't think it is unusual.

Thanks bonnie xx why does our brain do this to us?? As if things aren't hard enough at this time??!!

I don't have OCD but I had awful intrusive thoughts with my newborn, it didn't last long and I didn't harm my DD, you are doing the right thing in speaking about this and keeping company.

Keep doing what you are doing, lack of sleep doesn't help but it will get better. Mentally try out the coping mechanism that worked for your OCD, you got that under control and you can do the same now.

If you feel overwhelmed but this then speak to your HV or midwife, whoevers contact details you have. Are you on medication now? if not could you consider speaking to your GP about getting some, your hormone are having huge peaks and drops, your body is going through a lot, this is causing this reaction, you are not a bad person, you love your DS very much to be asking for help.

It is common, but so rarely talked about. So many women go through this, but actually hurting a child due to these thoughts basically NEVER happens. I know the fear is overwhelming but it does not mean you will hurt your baby - on the contrary, you will be going above and beyond to keep your LO safe. These thoughts say nothing about you as a person because all sorts of women suffer this. You can get through this.

I suffered from this too and it does get easier. I used to be paranoid about waking through doorways while holding him incase I accidentally hit his head on the frame, I'd worry about pushing him in the pram on a pathway incase a lorry drove past and the wind sucked the pram into the road because im not holding the pram tight enough etc.... I was a wreck and it was all totally irrational. I still worry now but I am much more relaxed as he is less delicate and a bit older. The best thing I can suggest is have good chats to your friends and unload a bit. I'm sure you will see they feel the same at times.

I felt exactly the same. Its really important to get help as soon as you can. Glad you have good comping mechanisms

My counsellor said they don't know why people get intrusive thoughts but everyone does. Sleep deprivation and anxiety make them worse. So does OCD.

Feel free to pm me if you want, I have a six month old and am in CBT counselling for anxiety and OCD. I've also had some horrifying intrusive thoughts. The reassuring thing is the horror you feel at them. If you genuinely wanted to hurt your baby then you wouldn't feel this way.

It's great you are going to counselling. I've found CBT really is helping.

You are not alone. You are not your thoughts. I found mindfulness coupled with CBT the best for intrusive thoughts. If you can, try to self refer for CBT. For immediate help, there are mindfulness for OCD videos on You Tube (or "pure-O" as some people call intrusive thoughts). Also look on the OCD action and OCD uk websites.
I know it is hard now, but you have recovered before and you will recover again. OCD is a big nasty monster, but it can be defeated.

It's absolutely classic as a theme. Hopefully that is some comfort at least.
It's a horrible thing to be in the grip of though. Do you exhaust yourself thinking of proofs of why you wouldn't but it never actually comforts you?

I echo all of the above. I'm a mental health professional and work with lots of clients with OCD. This is extremely normal. They are JUST thoughts. Research shows that all of us have repugnant, intrusive thoughts at some time in our lives. Your are absolutely not evil. There is no correlation between these thoughts and acting on them (in fact, those with OCD have the thoughts because they're so repugnant, and it's actually the last thing that person would do).

The treatment is typically focussed on changing your relationship with your thoughts i.e. learning that they're nothing to be frightened of/ they're normal, rather than getting rid of the thoughts. However a side effect of changing your relationship with the thoughts is that the thoughts often reduce / cease.

Speak to you health visitor or GP if you feel it would be helpful, and ask to be referred for a few sessions of CBT. You will be fine - these thoughts usually resolve naturally within a few weeks.

To re-iterate, it's so common for new mothers to have terrible/horrifying thoughts about what they might do to their newborns. The thoughts are horribly distressing but they mean NOTHING.

No history of OCD here, and yes babies triggered intrusive thoughts in me - usually stepping on the baby or dropping the baby.

Very scary until I heard about intrusive thoughts and how it didn't mean you want that to happen, or even thought they might happen. I still get them very occasionally, but just let them wash over me and pass (I picture a corridor and the thought floats down and out the door).

Our brains are weird, why would they do this?

Hi. Mental health worker here. I've had several female patients with the same symptoms. Intrusive thoughts are awful, scary however never a suggestion of your ability or intentions. It's as though your mind picks the worst possible scenario and makes you believe you're capable. You're not! Ultimately it's an extension of your anxiety so counselling or some more 'top up' therapy may help.

Always remember that no matter what you're thinking, you are in control of your actions. I consider myself quite normal yet when I'm walking over a bridge in sometimes think 'what if I jumped off' or when I'm driving: 'what it I just drove full speed into that car'. I'm never going to, just like you're never going to cause any harm.

It may be worth writing down the thoughts you have each with a counter argument. Pinterest can be great for positive affirmations too.

My partner is going through this and it is so horrible. He feels like such an awful person for having the thoughts and feels so guilty. I had never heard of it until he started experiencing it but it is so common.

What I can tell you is that it does get better you just have to remember that they are simply thoughts and that you wont act on it. Its normally because it is your worst possible nightmare which is why your brain is picking up on it.

I hope it gets better for you and that you have lots of support. It really does help to talk to someone.

I think it your mind's way of testing/challenging your love for your baby. The thoughts are unbearable, but that just reinforces your sense of horror at the idea that you would ever hurt your baby. It's like you are being forced to think about the worst thing just so you know precisely what that is and why you would never do it. Or something like that.

Trifle I think you're right. For me, it was a way of preparing for the worst. I used to imagine the most awful things, (and then imagine the detail until I was quite distressed) and then think to myself, well at least I won't be completely shocked if that happens. I'm a bit prepared for it. Almost a trial or test.

It sounds crazy but I used to think that the worst thing would be the shock, and if I could prevent the shock then I could cope with anything. Or even that I might be able to prevent something bad happening if I could see it coming.

OP, I have an almost constant internal monologue. I question myself and talk to myself. I re-run conversations I've had or might have or will never have! I imagine I'm being interviewed by the police or I'm the feature of a newspaper report and I imagine what people would comment about me. I'm sure I'm not quite right but I've been like it since I was a child. I'm used to it now. It doesn't worry me anymore. I just let the thoughts come and go. I know they don't mean anything.

My most repeated scenario was leaving the pram outside a shop and then forgetting them. I would imagine the shame of having to return to my baby with a crowd gathered around wondering where his awful mother was. I could never run fast enough to get back to him. I used to wake up with my heart pounding. It is exhausting and upsetting.

Please don't think you are alone. I was 17 when I had my first and I was so ashamed that I felt like this. My GP said it was an unfortunately common side effect of the incredible love and huge responsibility of having a baby. He said it was my mind's way of dealing with my worst fears and the best thing I could do was talk about it.

Intrusive thoughts are horrible.

You might want to google your local mental health crisis out of hours phone number in case it gets bad, it may make you feel better knowing you have a plan for if it gets worse.

I have phoned mine in the past and spoken to a mental health nurse and it helped me a lot. Sometimes just talking to a professional will make you feel better, and if not then they can help you further.

Obviously GP is a good idea too, but it's good to have the out of hour number just in case.

It's horrible isn't it. I had this with my first. It's a particularly grim type of ocd. It does get better, my ds is 32 now!
There are some quite good books by Claire Weekes that are worth taking a look at , and maybe get the gp to take a look at medication. If it's any help at all, 1)ds and I are really close 2) You are very unlikely to hurt your son. 3) It's a really, really common phenomenon.

Yes i had/have them. We lived on the 3rd floor and I'd constantly worry about throwing tiny newborn DD over the balcony At the time I'd never heard of intrusive thoughts - but I'd kind of always had them so accepted it as my weird twisted brain gone into overdrive.

Nowadays I think of it as an unfortunate side affect of my safety radar, e.g. My brain senses there's a danger so jumps to an image of the worst consequence possible to warn me.

I still have them but they're not nearly as disturbing. I hate one to one meetings at work as I'll constantly imagine punching/making an inappropriate pass at my colleagues

Take care of yourself OP