intrusive thoughts

[musicmomma]

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I've suffered with ocd my entire life and have had counselling, cbt, psychotherapy and medication. I finally got it under control last year, and we began to try for a baby.

My son is now 8 weeks old and the fucking ocd is back. I obsess over the idea that I might hurt him in some way, all sorts of awful things and this leads me to have panic attacks and not want to be left alone with him.

I've spoken to my hv about this and she said this can be common for new mums even without a history of ocd. Have any of you experienced anything like this before?? Please let me not be the only one I feel so disgusted with myself and like I don't deserve my baby

I'm a mental health worker and would just add that these sorts of thoughts are very common. Something which can help when you feel distressed by these thoughts is to think about and act on the other end of the scale. So for example if your thought might be "what if I pick baby up and throw her out the window" to actually challenge that with "what if I give her a lovely cuddle and kiss her head"
Evidence can also help, so remembering and maybe even writing it down, instances where you've had these distressing thoughts but never acted upon them. When you feel afraid it can be helpful to look at this evidence.
Be kind to yourself and seek support where you can. Your HV may be able to refer you for some additional therapy to help you through this. Best of luck x

Meant to add, with the challenge to act upon it too. So cuddle/kiss baby in this instance. This can begin to help to reassure you that you are a connected and loving mother who has no desire to hurt your child and these thoughts are just thoughts.

I don't have OCD but I also had these thoughts after DD was born. I would wonder what would happen if I threw her down the stairs or against a wall. Obviously I would never have acted on these thoughts and they eased as the crazy hormones settled. Do seek help if you think it might be a manifestation of your OCD but as evidenced here it is very common so please don't think you are strange or feel bad about yourself

OCD is the shittest thing ever and especially the intrusive thoughts. Been there. You will never ever hurt your child. OCD personalities tend to make you extra conscientious and as a result diligent, loving, kind parent. You're afraid of fucking it up. (Not saying other parents without OCD aren't like that)
People like us are cursed with the thoughts but we never act on them. It's just not in us.
The stress of no sleep and the anxiety of being a parent sadly gets diverted into the realms of intrusive thoughts.
You'll be doing a great job. Have these, I never give em out ...xxxxxx

Actually I just realised that I have these in everyday life - every time I look at the bath I imagine slipping over in it and banging my head! The brain is a funny thing

I had horrible intrusive thoughts when my son was tiny. Most frequently it was throwing him out of the window. I work in mental health and a colleague told me that there was a theory that our minds do this to let us know that we can have these thoughts and to show us that we won't do it, it that makes sense. As in we then think after 'I thought that and I didn't do it. Therefore the thought has no power'. I found this very helpful. I have no history of anxiety or any other mental health problem.

I still get intrusive thoughts about my son, but not that I would hurt him, more that he would fall in front of a bus or something.

It is common and will pass. Just try to take into account that you are not doing these things and recognise what a good job you are doing.

I'm currently battling these also. Apparently they are very common www.medicaldaily.com/ocd-symptoms-more-widespread-you-think-94-people-have-intrusive-thoughts-275440 it's just that a) not many people admit to them and b) for a lot of people, they have them and then give it no more thought, just get on with their day. What is key with OCD is that we follow the thoughts and make ourselves distressed by thinking "Why am I thinking this? What if I actually did it?".

Two things are currently helping.
Firstly, saying to myself "Oh! That's a funny thing to think" seems to help me stop ruminating on why I'm having it.

Secondly, remembering that the ITs people with OCD ruminate on are usually the most intolerable to them. So I obsess over ITs about harming DD because my own mother was abusive and it's causing me to be hyper vigilant, even paranoid, about any signs that I might be anything less than a perfect mum.

I had this too albeit in a slightly milder form,I'd be carrying him downstairs and the image of me tripping and dropping him down the stairs or falling down stairs with him and squashing him to death would come into my head or I'd be driving and imagine a car crashing into us and injuring him. I used to almost feel him dying from SIDS was inevitable and lie awake at night watching him breathe. I did and still do to some weird extent feel he's too good to be true and he's 1 in two weeks,I'm much,much better now but still get the anxiety stabs if he's poorly.

I used to worry i would drop one of them out of a window, despite this being impossible to do in our house. I've heard others with similar intrusive thoughts.

Yes I get this a lot. I get random images popping into my head of really horrific things including with my children so many times a day.

I have never spoken to anyone in real life about this but I wanted to post so you know you are not alone!

I have six children and have been a mum for 13 years and pretty much everyday for those 13 years multiple thoughts like this have popped into my head.

I have NEVER acted on them, I have never harmed my children, myself or anyone else.

There's a book by an American author called Brain Lock. Well worth a read for sufferers of Pure O.

Did you have a difficult birth? My son was born with the cord round his neck and he stopped breathing briefly. I got thoughts about something awful happening to him which I did not with my daughter ( who didnt have the cord round her neck).

I still do get these thoughts sometimes and i do think it's because i needed to consider i might have lost him. I don't get them as often and i know why and what they are.

Ironically, it is my daughter who has ocd and saw a psychologist who also said these thoughts were normal and said many people get them and learn to say its just a thought and brush them away.

Do seek help. I did not. It did right itself though for me but they are distressing you. You are not weird and no one will take your baby

I had these with my newborn. So, so horrible.
I had OCD tendencies as a child but not so much as an adult so it was a real shock. Sometimes I still have them, but as other posters say you can deal with them better in time.
Also, I have them at work. I can be in a meeting and think "I am going to throw this glass of water at x" - it's HORRIBLE! What if I really did that?! But I have been told it's your subconscious imagining the worst thing that could happen and you won't act on it.

Hope you are ok OP and try not to let it spoil those precious newborn weeks.

Does your local NHS have a specialist peri-natal mental health service? Can you ask to be referred?

Oh thank you all so much for your supportive replies and not judging me xx

I am trying to get all the help I can, as I don't want to end up like I used to be. I've suffered with these my whole life ' what if I stabbed that guy/said something wildly innapropriate/stole that watch' etc. One thing I sometimes get is 'tell your husband you're having an affair. Go on. Do it. See what he says. Lets see' wtf? I'm not having an affair and my marriage ending is my worst nightmare! But you're all right- I've never acted on them. I guess I know I'd never act on these, but I think I get the feeling that my baby is too good to be true and I'm bound to ruin our somehow. I've always wanted to be a mummy and my son is a dream come true even though its hard some times. I worry I don't love him enough/he doesn't know I love him, so on!

Thank you all so so much for your support it had really helped me through today

I've had this with all three of my babies when they were new born and I don't have OCD, and have quite a few friend who experiences the same....I think this might be relatively normal and to do with hormones being very up and down. It was terrifying at the time so I really feel for you...but it did stop after a few months.

Hi everyone I thought I'd just update you with how we're doing! Baby music is 16 weeks old and 16 lbs! He's ebf and I'm feel really proud and really lucky I've been able to feed him myself. Anyway I'm feeling much much better. I'm really glad I reached out to you guys it's such a horrible horrible feeling when I have an intrusive thought, but they've pretty much all gone, apart from I'm still terrified he's going to fall out of the window! But I've seen a few of you say that that's what you are scared of too, so I feel much less crazy now, thank you! Zippedydoodah I didn't have a traumatic birth but it was very very sudden and I couldn't believe he was here it just seemed far too good to be true as I'd got myself all worked up and convinced I was going to die in childbirth O_o

Anyway thank you all so much xxx