AIBU to ask how you'd split household chores in an ideal world?

[Lozzy5790]

Hubs and I at a standoff. We both feel like we're doing more than our fair share of household chores, when probably neither of us are actually doing enough. I work evenings and weekends and hubs works long (really long) days M, W, Th, F.

We have a 7 month old baby so when one of us is working the other one has the baby to deal with. Neither of us really gets any alone time which isn't helping - we're either at work or with the baby, and when we're both off work at the same time we try to make the most of it and do things as a family.

Obviously it's difficult to tidy/clean when you're looking after the baby so we try not to put too much pressure on each other but something has to change.

How do you split up household chores? How would you change things if you could?

I've never understood why people say its difficult to tidy and clean with one small baby. It's not at all.
You sound like you both need to do more.

Sounds like your both off on a Tues? So use this as a proper cleaning day, take it in turns each week, one of you looks after the baby the other cleans. Everyone tidies as they go along, take in turns to cook, wash up etc? Or get a cleaner?

I do find it more difficult to get stuff done with the baby, not impossible just takes longer. In our house I do all the cleaning and DP does the washing up, I'm happy with this set up because he doesn't clean properly.

I never understand people who make judgements about other people and how they should be coping better with the cleaning and tidying with a new baby!

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea you sound condescending and judgemental.

Do I? From one whole sentence? How clever of me!

You need to make a distinction between the stuff that needs doing every day (washing up etc) / most days (laundry etc) / when necessary (cleaning the bathroom sink, hoovering etc) / regularly (mopping the floors etc)

Whoever is at home does the every day and when necessary stuff, and both of you have to commit to tidying up after yourselves whenever possible (so change the loo roll when you finish it AND put the roll into the bin). Decide how frequently the other stuff needs doing, and who is going to do what. Some couples prefer "his and her" jobs, some just take it in turns - work out what is best for you, provided that yo both agree to it

If your house is grubby now, can you run to a deep clean by a professional company, so that you are starting afresh? (I'm assuming that a regular cleaner isn't possible?)

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea Yes, in three sentences actually

Get a cleaner for a few hours weekly or fortnightly to do bathrooms and floors. This is most of your work done.

Whoever is home first does dinner. Other person can do it days off.

Each night before bed do a load of washing, dishes, general tidy of living area, garbage out. This should take more no more than 1 hour for even one person. If you're both home do it together then have a glass of wine.

We split chores to inside and outside jobs (yes. Really). I do laundry, ironing, most cooking and clearing up. He does the lawns, sorts doggie do, cuts hedges etc. Ultimately I do more (I believe) but I do have a cleaner as well who comes and does a once over each week.

Like you, we get little time together due to work commitments so the last thing I want to do is think about the crappy chores when we do actually see each other.

My advice, if you can afford to get a cleaner to help out with vacuuming, bathroom, polishing etc (mine changes my sheets once a week too) then do it and take some pressure off yourselves.

Fairest way is 50/50 if both work the same hours, if one works less then they do the extra hours on the house.

It's very possible to do housework with a baby unless they are sick.

Either do the housework when the baby is napping or put the baby in high chair / playpen with some toys and get it done. 30 minutes a day plus a couple of hours at the weekend should be enough and very doable.
Make a list of all the jobs to be done and if you're both working the same hours split it in half.

Seems like you're doing less hours? If so you would need to do more housework / childcare than dh to make it fair.

"I've never understood why people say its difficult to tidy and clean with one small baby. It's not at all."

Are you fucking kidding? Well done for being so perfect, I think many parents would find working full time then looking after a baby quite hard. Either way, not really being helpful are you?

OP we have a colour coded spreadsheet for the week :-) DW loathes routine, so it was quite hard to work together when DD2 first came along. Having the jobs and (approximate) times laid out visually really helped.

It will also allow you to negotiate who's doing what, so there is less dispute about each person's contribution.

In an ideal world I'd leave 100% to someone else. :-P

I'd probably make a list of all jobs and sit down and agree who does what.

I think quite often both partners believe that they are doing loads and are unappreciated for it.

I've not cracked this problem but side-stepped it by ending the relationship. So now I do it all but don't seeth with resentment as a result.

In an ideal world, the split would be equal. Of course it never is. People have a tendency to remember the things they are doing and forget the things the other person is doing as well.

I think you should add up hours spent working and commuting and see if it is roughly equal, then come up with a rota so that no-one always does cooking, no-one always does cleaning etc. If not roughly equal, the rota should reflect the difference in hours worked.

I've never understood why people say its difficult to tidy and clean with one small baby. It's not at all.

I don't understand how people do anything when they have a small baby or even a small toddler to deal with. Where was your baby while you were cleaning? Do you scrub baths and floors with a baby in a sling? I don't get it...

Go easy on yourselves and get a cleaner if you can afford it.

In an ideal world my handy Jetsons-style robot maid would do the lot! DHand both utterly loathe cleaning so bare minimum gets done. If I could afford a cleaner I would get one. Don't feel bad, I guarantee your house is probably in a better state than ours. Fortunately we are now moving to a cleaner house...wish that was always an option!

*DH and I

I'd shop and cook, ideally.

Because some small babies are very demanding and others are not. I've never understood why people find this difficult to understand

But none of them are so demanding that they don't ever nap, or sit in a playpen or chair while you do ten minutes here or there?

I mean, its none of my business and I would never comment (although OP did specifically ask) but its a bit defeatist to simply say you can't get anything done when you have a baby.

LiveLongAndProspero

Getting 10 minutes isn't the issue. The issue is getting 10 x 10 minutes...you know, enough time to hoover stairs, clean the bathroom, eat a bit of lunch, do a poo, transfer money between two accounts, call the GP's surgery, wash some dishes, change a bed, have a cup of tea, fold some washing. Some babies are that demanding.

But none of them are so demanding that they don't ever nap, or sit in a playpen or chair while you do ten minutes here or there?

Yes. Yes they are. Ds didn't sit in or on anything other than me for the first six months and for the next six months if he sat in his bouncy chair for 10 minutes once a day that was a MIRACLE and I would use the time to shower. He would only nap for max 20 minutes at a time either while breastfeeding or in the car or in his pram. Bizarrely at 12 months old he suddenly started nappy for an hour once a day in his cot and I suddenly had this amazing insight into what maternity leave could have been like...

In an ideal world? DP would do all of it
In the real world, tends to be whoever gets home first does it so they can get a little round of applause when the other comes in. Competition cleaning, I calls it! Also the reason I frequently visit family straight from work so DP gets home first.