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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sisters Hen Do/Wedding - am I overreacting?

29 replies

LittleRed321 · 01/06/2017 23:54

So, my sister gets married in a couple of months and so far we (my sister and bridesmaids) have been on a little holiday and have arranged a second 'proper' hen do in a few weeks time. Well, I say 'we' have arranged, but one of the bridesmaids has completely taken over every single little aspect of arranging the hen dos, even down to personalised t shirts. I'm maid of honour and in the beginning I said that I was grateful for her help, but would really like a more hands on role in the arrangements and wanted to be the main contact for the other hens and have the majority of responsibility. Even my sister spoke to her about it. Well, this fell on deaf ears because she ended up arranging the holiday away (I had to cancel the villa I reserved for us all), she's completely arranged the second hen do, booked every little event, arranged transport, has arranged goodies she's taking down, emailed all the hens and even taken all the payments. She even has her own personalised folders, notebooks and spreadsheets! I don't know whether I'm just taking it too personal or something, but I'm actually fuming with her. At no point has she really consulted anyone about it either, when we've contacted her about arranging stuff she's already looked in to it, or just done it. I would have liked the opportunity to arrange it for my sister myself, especially as we lost our brother when we were younger it means so much more. My other half says I should say something to her, but I'm so annoyed I just don't know what to say! Plus literally everything has been done now so it's not like I could even ask to do something (again) but I shouldn't even have to ask!! It's my sister!!im just going to feel so silly arriving to meet the other hens as maid of honour when I've done literally nothing for the hen, and I just feel like I've really let my sister down.

Any advice??

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 01/06/2017 23:56

Why are you letting her dictate the plans? If you're supposed to be organising it, tell her to back off.

Have you actually said anything to her about overstepping the mark?

McTufty · 01/06/2017 23:58

It sounds like she's taken over and I do understand your nose being out of joint given you are maid of honour.

But don't say anything. This is about your sister and it sounds like she has gone to a lot of effort and planned something your sister will enjoy. It will taint it for your sister if her sister and one of her best friends fall out over her hen do.

Is there any scope for you planning some games e.g. Mr and Mrs, or adding in a couple of your own touches to the weekend?

MaidOfStars · 02/06/2017 00:00

Does your sister dislike what she's organised? If not, let it go. Who wants to volunteer to coordinate that stuff??

TheMysteriousJackelope · 02/06/2017 00:02

It sounds as if all the arrangements have been made and paid for. I would imagine there could be lost deposits as well as a ruckus if you tried to change things now.

I would talk to your sister and explain what has happened. Is there anything you can do for the wedding or reception that would help your sister and allow you to give your personal touch to something to make it special for her? I have seen things like blown up photos of the bride and groom where guests can sign the matte, or books for guests to sign with nice comments for the bride and groom on married life. Is there anything that needs to be organized in the days before the wedding such as hair appointments on the morning of the wedding?

I would talk to your sister soon before the other bridesmaid shifts focus to the wedding once the hen dos are done.

Original poster

LittleRed321 · 02/06/2017 00:03

Right in the beginning when we initially met to discuss ideas she arrived with a special notebook and loads of print out for quotes and things she had looked in to. She even thanked us for coming! So it was then I said she was overstepping the mark and as sister and MOH I wanted to arrange it. We spoke and she apologised, and we agreed that I would look in to the holiday away and arrange the little details (personalised bits, bits for the hens, transport, taking payments etc) for the second hen do. Now one way or another she has ended up booking every little detail despite everything that has been said. The other bridesmaid and my mum have just been so laid back that I feel anything I say is just like I'm spitting my dummy out, and I look like the one in the wrong. I don't know what else I can say? It's all booked and paid for, all that's left to do is just go to it!

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 02/06/2017 00:07

That sounds bloody annoying. But - You are maid of honour because she's your sister and you love each other. More than any over enthusiastic irritateing friend. Yes, she's butting in and trampling all over your toes. And at some point you can gently point out her tendency to take over - and not actually talk to anyone. Preferably when she's expecting to be basking in everyone's gratitude :) Or not. Honestly, everyone who goes will be there to celebrate your sister. They won't care who organised it.

Maybe she's practicing for a job as a travel agent?

Original poster

LittleRed321 · 02/06/2017 00:07

My sister doesn't know anything at all about the second hen do, it's all a surprise. My sister has basically arranged the wedding herself (hair, make up, venue decorations, etc) and my mums booked her wedding car.

I've bought a photo charm for her bouquet as a memorial thing for my brother as a little something, but what else can I do to make it a special day for her?

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleRed321 · 02/06/2017 00:10

She used to be a travel agent actually! lol

I don't think I'll say anything to her or my sister (maybe just rant to my other half!)
I do appreciate that she's probably saved me a lot of stress, but I guess it would have just been nice to be more involved with ideas.

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 02/06/2017 00:16

If she didn't ever ask what her customers wanted, and just railroaded them into whatever holiday she though was best she probably had a lot of unhappy ones! :)

MiddleClassProblem · 02/06/2017 00:22

As it's all booked, payed for etc it's a bit late to say too much but I would maybe organise a quiz about your sister maybe with a childhood picture round etc some of that stuff only you can do and it will be a bit effort to get it all sorted and obvious to hens that it's you.

I would also see if DSis had a spare day you could book in and have a day just the two of you (or other family too) for a bit of quality time.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 02/06/2017 00:24

The best thing my MoH did for me on the day was keeping me stress free - just being there, knowing me well enough to know when I needed a few quiet moments, or a cup of tea, or redoing my hair when it fell down. How about a small photo album of you both and your family growing up, with space for more?

JayneAusten · 02/06/2017 00:29

She's a taker-over (yes it's a real word ). I know plenty of them. It's a special kind of arrogance.

I'm surprised you let it get this far though. Why didn't you say, 'Just to remind you, Gemma, I'm organising the hen night so please leave it to me'. Or 'Thanks for putting that together, Gemma, but as maid of honour I really don't feel right about you doing all this so please don't do any further planning and let me take it from here'. She's a big old bossy boots and has been allowed to railroad all over this because noone told her no!

CondensedMilkSarnies · 02/06/2017 00:36

At least you won't get the blame if it's all a bit rubbish ! I'd be annoyed too , she sounds like a real control freak. I'd let her get on with it and quietly seeth .

crazywriter · 02/06/2017 00:36

It's thoughtless of the bridesmaid but less work for you. My sister was grateful I didn't ask her to arrange my hen do.

Could you arrange a day for just you and your sister (and mum maybe)? Has your sister arranged a guest book or something else for guests to sign. I personally love these things at weddings as I get to leave a wee note and I loved having ours at our wedding to look back on now.

It is too late to say anything now but YANBU to be pissed off about it. What's done is done. Try to enjoy the day. Maybe have a few of your own games to play.

Inertia · 02/06/2017 00:53

Good idea to arrange a small family mini hen do. There's no point getting cross- just try to take the view that this woman has used her contacts and knowledge to do the legwork while you have taken a more managerial role.

The wedding day is when you really need to be there for your sister..

Tartyflette · 02/06/2017 00:59

I think you have to let the issue of her taking over the hen weekend go, it's done now, but I'd be having a firm word about her not taking over any more, especially on the big day when it will be your job as MOH /Chief Bridesmaid to take care of the bride etc.
Say that you will be doing whatever is necessary, including delegating chores jobs to the other bridesmaids and deciding who will be going what.
Perhaps she could be tasked with looking after frail Great Aunt Mabel at the reception? (Evil)

Catlady45 · 02/06/2017 00:59

littlered how about a broach bouquet ? That way she will be able to keep it ? Sounds such an awkward situation and i would be so mad too, i would speak to her though, before the hen do. I could imagine if this is how ur feeling now, and you dont say anything, it could all come tumbling out after a few drinks which may come out the wrong way.

WidoWanky · 02/06/2017 01:07

This happened to me!!!

I would leave it for now as it's all arranged. But before the wedding I would have a word, thank her for her efforts blah blah, but point out she overstepped the mark despite being asked not to and tell her she is expected to keep her place on the day itself. It's difficult tho, she obviously just wants the best for your sister, which is lovely for her.

Motoko · 02/06/2017 02:40

Did you lose any money when you had to cancel the villa you'd reserved? If you did, then she should pay that back.

If not, then it's too late to do anything about it now. I would have had strong words with her about having to cancel the villa at the time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/06/2017 03:19

Oo, I think I'd be pretty cross too!

I think all you can do now is to just maybe take a few extra things for your sister, things that somehow commemorate your brother, if that's what you want to do, and things that are special to you and her that the Interloper knows nothing about.

That way you can still feel as though you have done something for your sister, included the memory of your brother, and (a low point) chalk one up for the family connection against Miss Bossyboots.

BeeThirtythree · 02/06/2017 03:20

I think as pp have said, friend is one of those who wants the medal! Maybe friend thinks she is most 'qualified' at getting a good travel deal. A little note to say thank you for arranging it, or when on the hen do a little speech about how friend was so good arranging, it almost felt like she was one responsible for organising it...a bit too PA?
A private family meal/spa day or even girls night in with mum and your sister, maybe a photo book or 'sister journal' that your sister can add too?
Is there chance on the hendo for an afternoon/evening for just you and sister to go get a drink/food/walk on beach/take the journal with you, present that...as it is both personal and thoughtful.
Friend can not 'take over' the relationship you have and if you feel a bit 'usurped' then just you being there for your sister and sharing memories will be good for you both.

Hope you do have a lovely time and get to spend time with sister.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/06/2017 04:44

If you really want to get PA on the bossy one, you could always get out Bridesmaids to watch... although I don't think the lead character comes out of that too well, so maybe not!

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 02/06/2017 08:05

Does your sister actually want a second hen do?

BlondeB83 · 02/06/2017 08:09

If what she's arranged is good the quite honestly I would just suck it up! Let her have the pressure!

Chickenagain · 02/06/2017 08:40

Why not organise (& pay for lots of sparkling wine/champers at the property together with a massive cake. Then you have organised something lovely.
TBH it sounds like you have been very 'laid back' but now it is all done, money in (no mean feat), you are thinking "I could have done that". Easy to moan now, but if you had really wanted to organise the HP II, you would have done.

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