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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a text to SIL who has taken against me?!

47 replies

AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 22:26

Me and DH are breaking up and it is sad and horrible. He just finished with me out of the blue a couple of months ago and moved into SILs house temporarily.

We have a special needs young child and tbh I have been really angry as I felt that he has just ran away from our marriage and family without giving us any time to work through any problems.

The thing is, his family have always seen our house as DHs, as it was his before I met him. Also, he has two sons from a previous relationship. One lived with us for 6 years and then got cross with me because he was ignoring my son and only speaking to DH - and moved back into his mums. He never visits now. The other son argued with DH and also never visits.

SIL - I understand she might be fed up of DH living there - but that's nothing to do with me. He could rent somewhere if he wanted. I have no work as full time care of special needs child.

SIL has been very vociferous in telling DH he shouldn't have moved out and that he should be able to keep living in his house. Even though I have nowhere to go. I moved near him and now family/friends.

SIL has also been 'distraught' at how awful it is for DH and being away from his special needs son. Even though it was DH who wanted to finish and I gave him plenty of chances to try and resolve anything.

SIL also spoke with her nephews, DHs sons and asked why they never visited us for the last year. Step sons said DH 'did not make them feel welcome enough' and that 'I did not like them being there'.

So SIL is now blaming me for cutting off DH from his own sons, our son (no he sees him every other day) and from his house (where does she suggest I go). This all came out from DH who said that his family now 'hate me' and that he has had to defend me constantly to them.

I feel alone, down and depressed but this ganging on and blaming me for everything has totally got me down and I sent a text to his SIL saying that I felt very judged, and would like her to stop stirring up any extra ill feeling as it was hard enough having to go through a break up. I was polite but clear.

AIBU? She messaged back that I should never ever text her again and that the whole family were 'distraught at what DH is going through'.

I'm sorry but I know that families will often support 'their own' but I am struggling big time. I am on my own, DHs family give me NO support with special needs child even though they know I am here with him 24 hours a day every day with no respite at all.

OP posts:
PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 01/06/2017 22:29

I wouldn't trust what your man says, he could be making it all up. she might not have said a word about you.

Underthemoonlight · 01/06/2017 22:30

It's difficult to really comment without hearing the POV of your dh sons it sounds pretty clear not one but both have similar feelings and have both distanced themselves because of their DF and yourself so I can understand sils feeling on her nephews.

Underthemoonlight · 01/06/2017 22:30

As for the house I would see a solicitor and see where you stand and avoid engaging in conversation with his family.

NoSquirrels · 01/06/2017 22:34

However hard it is, however unfair it is, you have to harden your heart to them. They are not your family, and they will never be on your side.

Why is your 'D'H telling you of the shit-stirring and bad-mouthing? He should keep it to himself if he wants to spare your feelings. There's a reason he's told you - he wants to twist the knife. Or he wants you to feel sorry for him! Neither are the actions of a decent bloke.

Keep your head up. If you can, investigate if there is any support you are entitled to as a single parent. Don't focus on anyone else but you and your DC.

Flowers OP.

MovingtoParadise · 01/06/2017 22:38

Nope. Your ex wants his house back and wants to look the poor bastard to his family. He's rewriting history, in a few months you will have 'made it impossible for him to have lived with you' or some such shite.

Trust nothing he says.

Picklepickle123 · 01/06/2017 22:38

In the middle of a break up, especially one that doesn't sound particularly amiable, I think YABU to think your husband's family are going to support you (helping out with child or mediating relationship with ex). They are obviously going to 'stick with him'.

I understand that having a SN child is a full time responsibility - are there any groups either online or locally that you could join to support yourself emotionally? Although it seems you live some distance away from your family/friends - have you asked them for support? They could come visit you, or you could take a weekend with them? You sound very alone whilst dealing with an awful situation.

I'm not an expert, but is this the right time to start thinking about splitting assets and maintenance? Not sure how salvageable you think the relationship is.

BuzzBuzzBuzzLightyear · 01/06/2017 22:39

Why do you keep referring to your son as "special needs child"? It sounds...odd to me Confused

Original poster
AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 22:40

I have sent one text and left it at that. I think I just couldn't stay silent and let all these ill feelings directed at me just go unanswered.

Underthemoonlight well that's a whole other story - the sons. I was good enough to do their washing, cooking, care for them while they were sick for 6 years - without ever once being appreciated for it. They are not awful just all about themselves and trying to cope with one of them and his obvious disregard for me while bringing up a baby was pretty tough. The other son still sends nice messages to me every now and then, we get on fine, but he's not above 'punishing' his Dad who dared to ask him to do some housework!

But I really don't think it's any of the SILs business to be flying in at this point and judging - she hardly sees her nephews, has told me several times she finds them both rude and has no idea about our family. Of course if you ask the sons why they don't come around - neither of them are going to say 'because we aren't mature enough to make an effort'. Which is my own POV.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 22:42

Sorry... not that they were sick for 6 years!!! Unfortunate typo. One lived full time with us for 6 years and the other every weekend. Now they are 19 and 20 so can make up their own mind, and they both now live at their mums.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 22:44

Buzz I guess I'm trying to make the point that I feel it is especially nasty to be spreading ill feeling when I really am struggling here with my child as he has so many needs. DH has left me - which is hard but I'm trying to accept it now. SIL getting family to be nasty and blame me feels like a low blow when instead they could have actually helped out once in a while. I've helped them in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 22:52

No squirrels That's true I have had to become quite hard hearted.

I'm not naive enough to think his family would support me. It's the shock that so much of this situation is my fault in their eyes - even down to 'poor DH who can't live in his own house or see his own kids' - that's just crazy. I just want a bit of breathing space to work out my own needs.

Especially sad when I did open up to SIL a while ago and just admitted that I was beginning not to be able to cope. DHs ex wife was sending the sons as teenagers to me all the time because I was at home and it was all too much - I couldn't respond to everyone's needs.

I think most of all I feel deeply gutted that I put a LOT of energy into what I hoped was building up a relationship with DHs family - his sons - and his SIL was the nicest one - it's been years and I do think now. What is the point? When the shit hits the fan I'm the enemy and all that energy and time is totally wasted.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/06/2017 23:00

You have absolutely no idea what DH's family think of you. The man who ran off has told you that his family hate you and that he defends you to them. Was that supposed to make you feel more kindly towards to him?

Do you always believe everything your DH says? Is he usually 100% truthful?

Even if it is true, why would he tell you? In what context did this come up?

BeepBeepMOVE · 01/06/2017 23:01

I would definitely not be on your side if that's how you spoke about my nephews and forced them out of their home for a new baby. No wonder.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 23:05

Because we were talking about what to do with the house, and he got emotional and said that his family felt so strongly he shouldn't leave 'his house' that he was constantly having to argue with them. I got upset and and said why are they saying that? And then he came out with the rest.

I guess I don't know exactly. However I sent a calm and polite text to his SIL - outlining what DH had said they'd said about me and asking her to back off while we sorted the break up. Her reply was clearly 'How dare you text... how dare you single me out and that ALL of DHs family felt distraught by what he was going through'. So she did not deny any of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 23:07

Beep I'm not aware I've said anything awful about my step sons! Or that I ever forced them out! That is a leap. One of them stopped coming around because DH wanted them to stop ignoring the baby and asked him to read the toddler a story and he told him to get lost, and never visited again.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/06/2017 23:12

I think you need to shut the door on his family, at least for now. You don't really need to be in touch with them. If your stbx starts telling you what 'they' are saying, simply say you don't want to hear it.

pottered · 01/06/2017 23:12

Boohoo for him I say. You should shut down communication with them - treat them like people you have to work with when you have to bump into them and otherwise ignore. It's not fixable with his family.

pottered · 01/06/2017 23:13

All that stuff about how his family feel is an attempt to manipulate you to a worse settlement - get advice and get what you are entitled to.

HorridHenryrule · 01/06/2017 23:15

You met a selfish family move on and be strong for your son. If you are doing 24/7 care for your son and they have never helped it means they are selfish. You are not the enemy its easier for them to be a selfish cunt than a caring human being.

MorrisZapp · 01/06/2017 23:16

It's awful but she's entitled to her views. My own brother has recently lost his home due to a break up, he's an adult of course and we're all very civil with his ex but we will just never side with her. It's not a realistic expectation, sorry.

JaneEyre70 · 01/06/2017 23:17

I'm slightly confused as to why her opinions and thoughts mean so much to you? Let's face it, they are his family and they aren't ever going to see any other point of view in this than his...... few families stand on neutral ground sadly when a split happens, and they're looking out for him as your family would no doubt do for you. I think you need to focus on you and your son for now, what other people are tittle tattling about behind your back and not to your face really doesn't matter jack shit in the scheme of things. I hope things get better for you soon.

HorridHenryrule · 01/06/2017 23:19

MorrisZapp Is there kids involved in your brothers break up?

MorrisZapp · 01/06/2017 23:24

Yes there is. It's all very complicated and it isn't about right or wrong but in my view if you want to slag off your ex (and who doesn't), you don't choose their family to offload to. Your own friends and family have got your back.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 23:26

I guess I feel a double loss. I had felt pretty miserable actually over my step sons - I felt rejected when I had cared for both of them - 6 years is a long time. And now all the rest of DHs family too. It's just a bit much and I feel totally, utterly isolated.

I'm at home all the time with our child and literally no one has ever helped me out. His mother babysitter very rarely, and that's it. No one to talk to.

I think I'm a bit down! I need to pick myself up.

I haven't told my family at all, I don't want to get them 'on my side' and bitch about DH. And they are going through a rough time with illness so I want to protect them from my woes just at the minute. Feeling too sorry for myself I do need to wake up and realise DH and his family - they are not my friends it is just me and the kids.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 01/06/2017 23:26

I think it's your husband who is stirring!

Your Sil may not have denied what was said about her and what she's been saying about you but that doesn't mean that she did say those things,she could be trying to save face infront of you and she could be ripping him a new one at the same time for lying to you.

If you husband trys to talk to you again "about what he reckons his family are saying about you"tell him that you don't need to know and don't want to know.If he still trys to carry on tell him that your sure his family wouldn't appreciate him repeating everything they say about you.

Reach out to your family and friends for support and practical help and get youself some legal advice as well.