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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send a text to SIL who has taken against me?!

47 replies

AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 22:26

Me and DH are breaking up and it is sad and horrible. He just finished with me out of the blue a couple of months ago and moved into SILs house temporarily.

We have a special needs young child and tbh I have been really angry as I felt that he has just ran away from our marriage and family without giving us any time to work through any problems.

The thing is, his family have always seen our house as DHs, as it was his before I met him. Also, he has two sons from a previous relationship. One lived with us for 6 years and then got cross with me because he was ignoring my son and only speaking to DH - and moved back into his mums. He never visits now. The other son argued with DH and also never visits.

SIL - I understand she might be fed up of DH living there - but that's nothing to do with me. He could rent somewhere if he wanted. I have no work as full time care of special needs child.

SIL has been very vociferous in telling DH he shouldn't have moved out and that he should be able to keep living in his house. Even though I have nowhere to go. I moved near him and now family/friends.

SIL has also been 'distraught' at how awful it is for DH and being away from his special needs son. Even though it was DH who wanted to finish and I gave him plenty of chances to try and resolve anything.

SIL also spoke with her nephews, DHs sons and asked why they never visited us for the last year. Step sons said DH 'did not make them feel welcome enough' and that 'I did not like them being there'.

So SIL is now blaming me for cutting off DH from his own sons, our son (no he sees him every other day) and from his house (where does she suggest I go). This all came out from DH who said that his family now 'hate me' and that he has had to defend me constantly to them.

I feel alone, down and depressed but this ganging on and blaming me for everything has totally got me down and I sent a text to his SIL saying that I felt very judged, and would like her to stop stirring up any extra ill feeling as it was hard enough having to go through a break up. I was polite but clear.

AIBU? She messaged back that I should never ever text her again and that the whole family were 'distraught at what DH is going through'.

I'm sorry but I know that families will often support 'their own' but I am struggling big time. I am on my own, DHs family give me NO support with special needs child even though they know I am here with him 24 hours a day every day with no respite at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

AlphabetSoup3 · 01/06/2017 23:33

Yes he may well be wanting to paint himself in a good light. Rather than leaving me for no good reason (my own POV!).

I think his SIL asking his sons why they don't come around has made me angry though - if she was that bothered why didn't she get involved with us or her nephews years ago? She has made things worse by going to talk to them at the point - the worst point when emotions are high. She has no idea as she doesn't have a relationship with them herself and sees them about once a year!

OP posts:

WidoWanky · 02/06/2017 00:38

Blood will out. Everything he says will be putting him in a good light and you in a bad one. Your relationship is with your dh not sil, so do not engage with her, it will only muddy the waters. And get a soliciter, they will fight tooth and nail for the house but your child needs to be the priority.

Good luck. It's not easy.

Original poster

AlphabetSoup3 · 02/06/2017 12:06

Thank you wido

They do not want me in the house. Already I found out that DH has left the house in his will to his sons and not to me and named SIL as guardian. I'm whitewashed out and my poor young son, could be homeless or living with an aunt who has never looked after him if we both died.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/06/2017 12:17

When did your DH make his will? If it predates your marriage then it is invalid anyway? Also your son would have a reasonable expectation of support so your DH's will could be challenged if it was made after marriage.
I know these aren't major points now but I just wanted to show you that just because your DH has done something doesn't mean it is correct or will give the result he wants. You really need proper advice. Don't engage with his family and do see a solicitor.

Original poster

AlphabetSoup3 · 02/06/2017 12:26

Recently.

I know it could be challenged but it depresses me now. Especially him naming his SIL as guardian. She works full time and has never looked after our son and now doesn't like me! Not the guardian anyone would like for their child if anything happened. Apparently she'd share it with one of the sons who has dropped out of college - who also has no clue.

I feel like walking off somewhere and just trying to forget this part of my life completely and just taking care of my son elsewhere.

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/06/2017 12:46

This is why you must get to a solicitor and get an interest registered against the property if it is just in his name. Even if it is you will be entitled to a share of assets within a divorce so he won't be able to just cut you out or his son ( as you would have a claim as you and he are wholly or partially maintained by him).

Please go and get legal advice as soon as possible.

kaitlinktm · 02/06/2017 12:56

Well if (God forbid) you died Alphabet surely you would have the right to name someone else as guardian to your son. Your DH isn't the boss of you is he?

I think you should ask your family for some support (even though they are going through difficult times, surely they have time for a chat) and also take advice from CAB or a solicitor - just to see what your rights are regarding the house (and other stuff). If you can, take someone with you so you have some support.

Original poster

AlphabetSoup3 · 02/06/2017 13:03

Thanks kait. I was trying to come to an agreement with DH about a guardian. One we both felt happy with. However this warring sides business - it's so rubbish. Him wanting his SIL because it's 'his' family. Rather than what is best for our son.

I did get some advice and I don't want a fight through courts. I just want to get on with my life. And my sons. No one is going to help us.

OP posts:

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 02/06/2017 13:07

Without sounding nasty.
He has a right too leave and he doesn't have to give you a "good" reason or a reason that you agree with. As long as he still participates in the child's life that is all that matters.

I get you're angry, but it seems like you are finding it easier with being angry with SIL about something she may or may not have said. It's easier too feel anger towards her because you still love DH.

emilybrontescorset · 02/06/2017 14:09

Blood Is thicker than water. His family will see things from his point of view.
Divorce and separation is awful.
Seek legal advice and allow your h to have your ds alone, ensuring you get a break.
As for his sons, looking from their point of view, children are selfish. They will not feel the same about their half brother as you do. You can't make anyone feel anything. You can only control your actions.
I

HorridHenryrule · 02/06/2017 16:36

I did get some advice and I don't want a fight through courts.

Its a roof for your son and money to get a new place. You will be letting him down if you do nothing and thats what he wants. I know its tough but feeling sorry for yourself and blaming his sister is not going to help your son.

HorridHenryrule · 02/06/2017 16:38

Your husband don't want you so take what you can get so you and your son can survive.

notanevilstepmother · 02/06/2017 17:39

Sorry, but with him behaving like this you do need to get legal advice as soon as possible.

There are people who will help you but I'm afraid that just getting on with your life and not going to court won't be the answer if you want to do the best for your son.

I'm sorry that he and his family are acting this way, but at the moment I wouldn't engage with your sister in law. Maybe in time it will settle but right now I suggest respecting her wishes and leave her be for a while.

Witchend · 02/06/2017 17:55

I would just reply of he says his family are saying xyz about you with a shrug and "my family are saying worse about you, but I'm bot rude enough to repeat it"

One thing I would just wonder though. If he owned the house before he met you, do you legally have any right to it? Morally, obviously, but legally it might be worth checking.

Original poster

AlphabetSoup3 · 02/06/2017 18:42

Thanks. My family wouldn't be roasting DH it just isn't what we do. Maybe I should get more advice legally. I feel very insecure regarding a home.

I did send a text to SIL as I said but have left it at that. She sent one today wanting 'a truce'. But I'll just back off and not contact her ever again - it's not a fight I never attacked his family.

DH is wanting to spend time with me but again we are breaking up, the focus for he is my son and our future.

OP posts:

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/06/2017 18:46

Shes likely just looking out for her brother. From her point of view, the house he bought is his and his children no longer visit of you. What would you think if this was your son?

Squishedstrawberry4 · 02/06/2017 18:50

Ask your DH not to discuss this with you. It's quite natural for them to feel protective of DH. Just don't give it any thought

Original poster

AlphabetSoup3 · 02/06/2017 18:54

If my son had left his marriage the last thing I would be doing is wading in to ditch the dirt. Especially if I had done nothing to aid or support the marriage or my grandkids/nephews like look after them.

I don't get at all that 'looking out for blood' crap - aren't we all a bit more mature than that?

I cared for his children for 6 years - much of it on my own as DH works long hours - I didn't get any appreciation for that so I suppose I'm doubly cross that I can be judged so severely.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/06/2017 18:56

I know it's hard to think about a battle but remember you are not fighting against your DH; you are fighting to protect your son's rights.

Original poster

AlphabetSoup3 · 02/06/2017 19:01

You are right, my son is a little lost in all of this. I remember thinking that when everything was all about the older sons - who at 18 and 19 were just being all about their own lives and complaining a lot.

DH was forever bending over backwards to do everything for them and still gives them a lift twice a DAY even though they are now 20 and 21.

Whereas NO-ONE asks if they can give a lift to me and younger son to hospital appointments while DH is in work. Not his mother who lives around the corner, not his SIL, not his sons. No-one is concerned about where we are to live. I don't have a car or a house in my name.

OP posts:

emilybrontescorset · 04/06/2017 10:01

Op- divorce and separation is unpleasant.
People don't always behave nicely. It is not a case of what people should do, are you not aware that 1/3 of all non resident parents pay absolutely no maintenance towards their children?
I don't mean to sound for harsh but you will have toook out for yourself and your ds.
You say that you looked after your h's dcs whilst he left for work- well many would question why that happened and quite frankly he had show you where his priorities lie.
No wonder your sil is o cerned for her nephews.
Strangely enough plenty of mothers ( and some fathers) would like to have better careers but can't because we have put our dcs first.
From your posts your h is not one of those.

WatchingFromTheWings · 04/06/2017 11:36

You absolutely must get legal advice and fight him through the courts. Your son has additional needs and must be looked after. He's needs are what must come first, as well as yours being that you are his main carer. At the very least I would think you'd be allowed to stay in the home until he's 18.

It may have been 'his' house before you met but it's now a marital asset and a family home. Get legal advice asap. X

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