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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to pay into joint account proportionally?

39 replies

auberginefrog · 01/06/2017 21:38

Married with 2 under 3s and currently on maternity leave. I noticed on another thread that someone is having a hard time with their other half insisting on bills being paid 50:50 out of joint account.

I am the main earner usually in the relationship although a bit less now on maternity pay obviously but we have always had separate bank accounts which we transfer money into to pay bills - basically sum of all bills divided by 2 gets paid in by each of us each month and we keep the rest ourselves. Neither of us are skint after this and we each have our own spending money but I have substantially more. Am I being selfish for not paying proportionally? (Have offered but he has said no and also have used savings to offset drop in salary on mat leave and to help fund a house paying in proportionally more on that but equal share in property if that makes sense)

I feel if I were a man and posted this here the response would be that I was awful and mean. Am I?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 21:41

You offered.

rhinorocks · 01/06/2017 21:43

You are married. Just pool everything. I don't get his and hers money at all.

carjacker1985 · 01/06/2017 22:00

DH earns considerably more than me, he pays more than I do into joint bills account so we're both left with the same amount of money for our own personal spending (clothes, hobbies etc). We both agree it's the fairest way, as otherwise I'd just end up with nothing. If I was the higher earner I'd do the same for him.

PaperdollCartoon · 01/06/2017 22:02

Not selfish if you've offered but you should really have equal spending money. The partner with more contributes more. Why did he refuse? Is he worried about feeling 'kept'?

PaperdollCartoon · 01/06/2017 22:04

RhinoRocks we pay into a joint account but have separate accounts too. I'm bad with money, DP is good, I need a separate account that I know is spending money, and all the bills/food/travel etc comes from the other account.

NoSquirrels · 01/06/2017 22:05

I think it is very odd indeed. As you get older, and the DC get more expensive, and the disparity widens, what then?

When you say you pay for "sum of all bills divided by 2" is that just regular household expenses, or does it also cover e.g. clothes for DC, holiday expenses, food shopping, leisure activities "as a family" where it's not one or other of you choosing the outing. Who will pay for DC haircuts, for household maintenance, etc etc. There is a lot more to sharing finances fairly than Bills Divided By Two...

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 01/06/2017 22:06

Am I being selfish for not paying proportionally?

Yes. If you end up with a lot more personal spends than he does every month, its simply not fair.
But if its working for you its your own business.

eurochick · 01/06/2017 22:09

We do it proportionally. So I pay more for our joint costs, but I also have more left over to spend as I like (although in reality most gets saved).

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 01/06/2017 22:12

I think it also depends a bit on how great the disparity is. The other thread was 13k v 48k.

On something close like 25 v 27 I don't suppose it really matters.

caffeinestream · 01/06/2017 22:13

You should have equal spending money after all bills. It's not fair for one person in a marriage/partnership to have less money.

Original poster
auberginefrog · 01/06/2017 22:14

Well in answer to the question I tend to pay more (or all) of holiday expenses more of house deposits and children's clothes etc and as stated have used my "spending money" to top up my drop in income while being off on mat leave. I am also much better with money than my other half - he wouldn't shop around for things whereas I would and it would annoy me if he was frittering away my money I think.

Also I work much harder than he does longer working hours and terrible work life balance in adddition to doing most of the house stuff whereas he does his 37.5hrs and that's it. Why shouldn't I get to keep proportionally more of the money if I work more for it and no one is left short?

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 01/06/2017 22:14

When I started work I earned about double my husband (for 4 times the hours as a junior doctor) eventually he earned more than me. It was "our" money if we needed more in the joint account for the bills one of us put it in. We were a partnership it didn't matter. As long as we were doing what we wanted it was fine. As a marriage it's teamwork.

user1495707114 · 01/06/2017 22:17

auberginefrog

if you feel that the money is there to compensate for him being a crappier partner, I suggest you don't have any more kids and get ready for it to really stink when you're paying him in the divorce.

In other words, fix the relationship to one where you feel equal but don't for one second believe that you having more spending money is going to fix it in the long run.

NoSquirrels · 01/06/2017 22:18

Why shouldn't I get to keep proportionally more of the money if I work more for it and no one is left short?

Because it's a slippery slope? Sounds as if you could do with more discussion about how you organise family finances. As you have DC, things shift. What worked as a couple with no kids, unmarried, seldom works as well when you add family responsibilities to it.

No harm in being open to the idea of change.
The "you do all the housework and work harder than him" is a separate issue which you should absolutely tackle - but is not a justification for keeping more of the cash, I personally don't think. Resentment can breed on both sides, and it's best to nip it in the bud as early as you can.

caffeinestream · 01/06/2017 22:23

If you dislike him as much as it appears you do, why are you still with him?

Rollonbedtime7pm · 01/06/2017 22:23

I earn just over half of what my husband dies - we each keep the same amount of 'spending money' each and just pool the rest.

We have some each because I like to buy lots of tat for myself and I didn't want to run out of joint cash for food because I had bought lots of shoes Grin

We all benefit from sharing it all - if he had to wait for me to contribute my 'share' to things then we would never do anything cos I don't earn as much!! And who pays for the kids (we have 3)?!

We're a family so we have a family pot of money.

Rollonbedtime7pm · 01/06/2017 22:24

does not dies!! Grin

thebookeatinggirl · 01/06/2017 22:26

My DH earns substantially more than me, so he contributes a much larger proportion to the joint account. We both still have our own a/c, into which our wages are paid. That's just the way we do it. But any money left in our own accounts is still 'joint' money - we're a family, and all money is shared.

Original poster
auberginefrog · 01/06/2017 22:34

It's funny how most threads on mumsnet usually end up with someone suggesting that a relationship is over based on three paragraphs on an internet chat forum...

Interesting to get opinions - thanks

OP posts:
Lostinaseaofbubbles · 01/06/2017 22:37

Personally we did 50:50 when we earned similarly. Proportionally when one of us started to earn significantly more than the other. And shoving it all (bar an equal amount of "spends" each) in together once we had DC.

And when one of us earned significantly more than the other, that came with the long hours of which you talk. Doing it proportionally meant that if 75% of our income was for joint expenditure, the higher earner had 25% of their higher salary at their disposal. 50:50 really isn't fair when there's a significant disparity in wages.

hettie · 01/06/2017 22:37

However you organise it both of you should have the dance amount of spending money left for Hi/herself each month

rhinorocks · 01/06/2017 22:42

I don't get why you need your own money. We just pay both salaries into 1 account. No hassle- no his money or my money- just family money.

helenfagain · 01/06/2017 22:47

We do 50/50 also. We are not married, he pays the mortgage (but it's his house in his name). Everything else is 50/50 I earn about 50% more than he does (although we earned around the same when the arrangement started). We are looking at buying a house together at some point, then everything will be 50/50 across the board. He doesn't want to get married and I suggested proportional a while ago and he said he was happy with current arrangement.

user1495707114 · 01/06/2017 22:50

It's funny how most threads on mumsnet usually end up with someone suggesting that a relationship is over based on three paragraphs on an internet chat forum...

I think it's funny how people create threads in which everything they say about their partners is laced with contempt and somehow think the people predicting relationship decline are the blinkered ones.

dun1urkin · 01/06/2017 22:52

I'm always intrigued by why so many people think that there should be equal 'spending money' left over.
We pay pro rata into the joint account for all joint expenses. We both have money left over, but obviously this isn't equal, and is proportional to our incomes.
I think on the surface you are 'getting a good deal', but maybe if you added up all the extras you pay for on top it might be more proportional. Depends on the income splits (60/40 in our house)

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